Friday, July 13, 2012

At the Center of the Crossroads . . .

At times, you just don't know what's true and what's not. There are things that could be either, 'cause nobody said it was true, nor did anyone say it was not. So you just assume. But what DO you assume?
One of my closest friends, and definitely my wisest one, tells me all the time that we, human beings, always tend to assume the worst. In that way, we're prepared for the greatest blow. Anything better than the worst is just a bonus and that makes us happy. 
I have always agreed and believed in his theory, and I still do. But what happens when you don't know what  would be the worst? What if you aren't sure whether it would be worse if the answer to your unspoken question was a positive or a negative? What if you drew up a mental flowchart and then it just got stuck at one point and stopped flowing any further? What if there was a dead end? Which branch, which tributary, which path of the crossroad would you take then? What would you have assumed when you hadn't known what could be the worst?



Friday, June 1, 2012

Awesomeness

Vacation? So far so good :D
December? Not exactly repeating yet :D
Life? Awesome :D

Monday, May 28, 2012

Back to December? -_-

Shit happens. I've heard this way too many times. I've known this way too well. So, yeah. I don't see why there's any need to panic or become emo. I'm not exactly emo though. I'm not panic-stricken either. I don't even know the word for it. Maybe I'm just tired. And scared? No, not really. Or maybe, yes, up to an extent.

Whatever. Shit happens. But, really, what the hell? Back to December? No, thank you, I'll pass. Oh, wait. Fate doesn't really care about my opinion. It just went ahead and played its cards. AS USUAL -__-




Recurring Shit?

Great. Just what I was afraid of. Precisely what I didn't need. There goes my vacation!
-__-
Life may be beautiful. Actually, I'm sure it is. But, at the moment, NO.




Monday, May 14, 2012

In The Zone

Two-thirteenth done! Eleven more exams to go. I've got exams everyday of this week, and two on Friday! But I'm in the zone now, it's not so bad :D



Friday, May 11, 2012

And, then, it's here...

Maths exam in just a few hours!
Suffering from nausea.
Oh my God! Now I'm officially panicked!



Monday, May 7, 2012

Perfect Pampering

One good thing that has come out of the upcoming exams is that,all those around me are treating me like I'm royal (my brother would be an obvious exception, naturally).
For the past few days, my parents have been allowing me to wake up at around 10:00 in the morning because they know I'm not really a morning person. Once I retire to my room after breakfast, my dad asks me if he could get me tea or any other beverage. I politely decline because I like to make my own tea when I want it. Yesterday, I was hungry at around 9:00 pm, but not hungry enough for dinner. I casually mentioned this in front of my dad, and he hurried down to the nearest CP outlet to get me something to eat, despite my million protests. And then they're constantly trying to make sure I'm as comfortable as possible. It's really nice, you know. I mean, I've always known how my parents care for me unconditionally and I don't want them to worry too much, but they're really trying to keep me calm and relaxed. It's just so thoughtful, I can't help but appreciate it. These things are often taken for granted. And this treatment is not just coming from my parents, but also extended family members, specially my amazing grandmothers and my aunt. They keep asking me whether I need any stationery or other stuff, what I wish to eat, what they can cook for me, whether I want to go anywhere, etc.
As for my parents, they are now more concerned about keeping me in good spirits. They're giving me my space. They let me watch all my favorite TV programs, they allow me sufficient social time for Facebook and communicating with friends, they let me throw the house into chaos with loud music, and my family even goes on long drives about twice a week just like we always used to before the exams knocked on the door.
When I legally have time for all these, I don't really find it necessary to take time out of my studying hours to engage in such leisure activities. So, even if I do spend a smaller amount of time with my textbooks, I pay undivided attention to the revision during that time. And above all, I'm in a constant good mood, and that always helps!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Last Minutes

I got my statement of entry yesterday. It's this weird greenish paper and I'm supposed to treasure it till the exams are over. I also got all the timetables and the list of examination centers and some other shit.
Okay, I have like.. a week.
I just want to get this over with.

So, the last few days I had been feeling a little down, and surprisingly my irksome younger brother noticed it. He came up to me, being all annoying and saying stuff like "Awwh, my poor little sister's feeling all upset?" 
And then he starts singing the song "She Will Be Loved" to me. That was totally sweet of him.. Except, there's this part in the song that goes "Look for the girl with the broken smile".. He transformed that into "Look for the freak with the creepy eyes".
Yeah, I just feel SO loved. And he's the sweetest little thing that has ever walked on this earth.



Sunday, April 29, 2012

You were once wild ; don't let them tame you . . .

We often see movies where they teach us about the importance of being ourselves and not trying to be somebody we're not. However common this theme may be, it is not one to be ignored. Being yourself is the key to growing independently as an individual. And it is not always easy to be who you really are. There will always be people who will try to alter you into something you're not. It's not always because they wish to harm you; it may be because that's who THEY are. There will be people who will try to demoralize you, make you feel inferior and parasite upon your confidence. They will make you feel insignificant, hold you below themselves at all times, and eventually persuade you to do the same.
But you do not have to give in to this disdain. You always have a choice, and no one can deprive you of it until you let them do so. The choice may be a difficult one, but it's there. Allow people to advise you; it's okay to let others help. But you must be careful while distinguishing help from harm. Respect others' opinions while voicing your own. Your view is just as important as anyone else's, no more and no less. If you're against something, stand up for it, speak against it. Don't become a victim of somebody else's condescending opinion just to avoid the chaotic consequence of a disagreement.
I've learnt one thing in life. You can never be true to someone else while you're being untrue to yourself. If you deceive yourself, you are deceiving all those around you. Know yourself, love yourself. And change only the things where YOU believe you require improvement. You aren't bound to be what others want to see in you. 
I'm not saying that you should be selfish or self-obsessed, but you must care about yourself. When you don't care about yourself, it gives a message to others: I don't give a shit about myself and you shouldn't waste time bothering about me either. 
But when you do make an effort and investment on yourself, it tells others: I care about myself and my own good, and you should do the same because I'm worth it.
You will miss out on a lot if you don't set your spirit free and keep it that way.


When I think about all that I've been through - the inferiority complex, the lack of confidence, the constant fear - I happen to regret the turning point that occurred in my life precisely three years ago from today. Growing up, always being surrounded by the most loving family and friends, it was no easy feat when I plunged into a completely different universe where none of those were allowed to exist - your universe. You were insecure, weren't you? You were scared that I would leave because you considered yourself unworthy? Well, why couldn't you just be straightforward about your problem? Why did you have to convince me that I'd gotten more than I deserved, just so that I would never seek anything else? Had nobody ever taught you that you must set your loved one free? Sometimes you have to take chances. I had given up everything, hadn't I, just so that I could fit myself into your lonely little world?
I'm glad I realized the mistake before it was too late. When I came back to my senses, I still had a little time left to hurry back to my realm and try to regain all that I had thrown away because of you. I will always be eternally grateful to those few people who helped me rebuild the bridges that I had burnt: all the bridges that led back to my world, which has always been full of people I love: people who love me for who I am.

When I look back on all of this, I'm overcome by mixed emotions. But don't you ever think that I'm blaming you. I'm not. That's who YOU are. It's my fault that I'd given you that power to tame me and make me lose myself. But then again, no regrets. If it weren't for this experience of nearly two years, I wouldn't have completely known myself and my capacity. I've learned never to limit myself, all thanks to you. You taught me the hard way, but a lesson is a lesson, and a lesson is always valuable. And I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you about my opinions, but trust me, I was lying to myself as well, trying to convince myself all the while that our opinions were the same. I don't know how you're doing now, but I can proudly say that I'm better than ever before, and I sincerely wish the same for you. If you hadn't tried to alter me into you, I wouldn't have known who I really was. The difference between the two of us was a real eye-opener. Thank you.


~ It is commonly said that the person worth your sacrifice is the one who'll never ask you to give anything up. However common this saying may be, this is something else that must not be ignored. It's very true, no matter how cheesy it may sound. When you find the right person who is worth the forfeit, that certain person will never ask you to do so. Only then will you ever have a win-win situation.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Reaching For Dawn

When you feel that you're falling away
Exhausting your reserve of endless strength
Everyone around you is running a race
Yet you are left behind, frozen in your place
I'll pause, I'll wait
I'll even battle against fate
I will do all that I can
Just reach out for my hand
And once you catch your breath
You will know where I stand.

Time will erode and it will pass you by
Perhaps you must rise to give it another try
If you feel the world weighing down on your back
Burdened by the shame of all that you lack
And if it seems to you that the final scar has been drawn
Remember that the night is always the darkest before dawn

When there's not a soul around
Everyone is on his destined way
You can feel that hopeful tune begin to cease
Haunted by the ghost of all the memories
I promise to stand still
And I'll be waiting there till
You're able to catch up with me
And hold on to all that remains
We can take time to rest our eyes
If it helps to easy your pain.

Time will erode and it will pass you by
Perhaps you must rise to give it another try
If you feel the world weighing down on your back
Burdened by the shame of all that you lack
And if it seems to you that the final scar has been drawn
Remember that the night is always the darkest before dawn.

When you're worn out, lying low
Buried beneath all that you know
Just remember what I said
And you'll know where I wait,
Not very far away.



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Cherished

~ Just one of those times when I feel very lucky, appreciative and inspired...

Cherished

Look into the crowd, so many faces all around,
Some bear frowns, others wear a smile,
A few just break down and cry for a while;
Each with a different past, a unique story left behind.

See that little girl with the tangled hair,
Tattered clothes, her tiny feet bare,
Walking along the road, through the pitch and sand,
Pretty flowers in her tender hands?
She stops by a car, a smile upon her face,
The precious flowers held in a dear embrace.
But the passenger wants no flower today,
And without a second glance, waves her away.
So she speeds off to the next car
Perhaps they'll buy a rose from her;
As the day wears on, she runs hither and thither
While her smile and flowers slowly wither.

Do you see the fragile man in that old home,
On the balcony, sitting all alone?
He looks up to the sunny sky, and after one long sigh,
Remembers the red kite he once used to fly;
Those were the golden times, the fresh village air,
His boyhood passed without a single care;
Surrounded by all those he dearly loved,
Flying his beloved kite high above.
He's still a lucky man, as he will tell you,
He's got sons and daughters, and grandchildren, too.
But he hasn't seen them in a thousand days,
Since they all live a thousand miles away.

Look, there's that young man, rushing off to work,
Won't be returning home till it's after dark.
As he drives by, it will be clear to you,
That he's prosperous, very well-to-do.
But those dark shadows beneath his bloodshot eyes
Tell the tale of a sad man dwelling in joyful lies.
He hates every moment spent in his grand home,
Where he is left utterly on his own.
A long decade ago, he lost the love of his life
Ever since, he's been locked up in his lonesome hive.
He had the most flawless future planned out in his head,
And now he's haunted by the ghost of the dreams long dead.

Look around and see the faces in the crowd,
The sun will find a way out through the clouds.
So don't be weary, 'cause life will carry
All that's beautiful is temporary.
Now just live and love all that you've been given,
We all lose, gain, and sometimes break even;
You've got more luck than many out there,
So why not cherish all that's in your share?



Sunday, April 22, 2012

Proscrastination

Eighteen days to go. I was just looking at the exam routine and it freaked me out. I'll have no time to revise during the exams. I'll barely have time to get enough sleep! There'll be three days on which I'll have exams in the morning as well as the afternoon. And there's almost no free days in between the others. Oh my God! Talk about stressful! But on the bright side, it will be over in a flash.
It's weird how all I think about is "after the exams" instead of focusing on revision. Some things never change. Now isn't that comforting? Where's the pressure?! I mean, sure I feel pressurized, but not enough to do anything much about it.
People who think I'm not studying because I'm emo will be sort of mistaken. I'm alright now. It's not the emoness. It's the devil perching on my shoulder in the form of idleness and procrastination.
The reason why I don't update my blog as much as before is quite valid. I don't spend as much time in front of the computer now. Not because I'm doing anything productive during that time, but simply because my parents freak out when they see me at my leisure these days. That's very natural. I'm lucky to have such cool parents who aren't kicking my ass yet.
Anyways, life is still beautiful. I should get back to my Chemistry now. Yes, I'm talking about the subject.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Doom

Nineteen days ago from today, I was just being emo about the beginning of April. And nineteen days later from today, I will be giving my first 'O' levels exam. Wow, time flies!

I.
Am.
Officially.
Doomed.




Thursday, April 19, 2012

Just Another Beginning...

I just re-read an old post: "Journey within the (Yellowish) Walls". And it feels sad to think that I will not be seeing much of these yellowish walls anymore. Yesterday, we celebrated the last day of our school-life. Well, maybe it wasn't exactly the OFFICIAL last day, but since our school is not going to make any sort of occasion out of this, we just took the responsibility on our shoulders. Sure, the administration kicked us out before we even did anything; but then we began our day on the streets outside the yellowish walls. We did get to prepare within the walls though. By preparation, I mean filling balloons with water and all.
Once we were outside under the sunny sky, the color fight began! I don't remember being in such a big color fight ever before. And I couldn't have wished for a better group of people to share this experience with. A lot of our people were not present though. This was very unfortunate, but oh well, life carries on. 
In one of my previous posts, I talked about my fear of changes. I mentioned my first friends, two girls, who don't even speak to one another anymore. This had been troubling me for a long time because my first real school memories revolve around these people, and so finally, I decided to do something about it. At first, I approached one of them and asked exactly what had happened. Then, after long conversations with both of them, they were convinced that they should be on good terms at the end of this journey. This may or may not later evolve into the awesome friendship that they once shared, but for now, friendly terms is good enough. I cannot begin to describe how great this made me feel. And even if this does not work out at all, I will know that I have tried. And that does mean something.
Yesterday turned out to be one of the most memorable and amazing days in my (little more than) sixteen years of life. I keep telling myself that it's not the end, but just another beginning. When I started going to school, I didn't know what I was stepping into. And now, once again, I'm not sure of what is about to begin. Maybe that IS the beauty. The only certainty in life is uncertainty. But whatever is beginning for myself, I want all these special people to be in this with me once again. All these people who made the yellowish walls so tolerable, so memorable, and even so lovable. I don't like changes, as I've said a million times before, but it's time to accept the fact that there will always be changes. One more wonderful than the previous, or maybe more painful than all the ones before it. But in the end, life is beautiful: as beautiful as you make it, and as beautiful as you let others make it for you.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Dread

~ This was written by me in August, 2011. The inspiration came from the song "The Last Cigarette" by Bon Jovi. This writing does not reflect my life in any way. It's just supposed to be something creative. Also, this is from a guy's point of view. And yes, my best friend suggested the title for this writing, so the title selection credit goes to her  =)


Dread

Crawling through dark passageways
Past the cobwebs inside my head,
Splashing in pools of lies,
Staring out of bloodshot eyes.

I fight to find peace in my mind,
Ignorance was far too kind;
Though I know you're on the move,
Can't believe you're gone for good.

Smoke rising from yet one more cigarette,
The music playing used to be your favorite;
I've tried to create our atmosphere,
Was isolation all I feared?

My exhausted eyes play tricks on me,
I'm seeing you where I think you should be:
Sitting by the cackling fireplace,
The flame reflecting off your tired face.

I can hear your voice in the air,
Radiating from the concrete layers;
It haunts, it taunts, it mocks even more,
And I regret not hearing your cries before.

Looking round my stagnant room I see
All the objects that witnessed you and me,
I wonder if they could ever tell
That you would leave before farewell.

And the old wall clock still ticks by,
Its hands are tired, but never die.
Don't you think they're a lot like me,
Circling in a frame, never free?

In parts of me, the stubborn memories linger
How delicate your hair felt beneath my fingers;
The old visions fade, but they leave a trace,
Like the ashes that lie in my fireplace.