~ I've Got Some Imperfections, But How Can You Collect Them All And Throw Them In My Face?

I figured that the reason why I kept getting so afraid of you, haunted by you, is because, I believed you were right when you said all that you said about me.

But you were wrong.
You always have been wrong about those.

And, THAT, is what I believe.

Shattered glass is shattered glass, yes; but nobody is condemned for life.

Powerlessness.

Do you ever feel that, in order to make someone understand who you are or what you do, you need to give them the details of your story? But you think that they wouldn't want to know. And, well, you aren't exactly wild about saying all that either. Then how do you explain yourself? What metaphors, similes, idioms are powerful enough? None.

Music

"I'm willing to let you in if you promise not to let anyone else in on it," he said.

I gave him my word. He believed me, but said he would wait until he thought I was ready.

I was afraid he would change his mind. I also wondered if he would even remember.

Days passed.

The songs did not reach me.

But he gave me something else, not any less precious. I cherished it. I am cherishing it now. His words written beneath the hard cover. His signature. And the story that lies within. Not just the writer's, but of our own shared time and space. At least that was what he said.

The next day he told me he had left a little surprise for me. And that was the last time I spoke to him. I typed in my all too familiar username and password. There it was. Seventeen tracks. Seventeen secrets that we were now sharing.

I drown myself in them everyday. I have them on repeat. And when I don't, I'm absorbed by the story. I take it slow, not wanting it to end. Now I'm seeing true music, not just in the songs, but in the words that form the story in the book.

And I miss him, needless to say. The other day, I realized that he is my third favorite man in the whole world. That is a big deal, isn't it? I just wish he would be here again.

~ You put me on a shelf, and kept me for yourself, I can only blame myself, you can only blame me. ~

The 9th of December came to her for the fifteenth time. She was looking up directly above her, at the ceiling-fan, which was being forced to rotate even on such a wintry day. When he spoke, his voice, as intended, was muffled by the relentless groaning of the fan.
"Your tone and expressions are a lot like - " he trailed off a bit before he found the word he was looking for. He compared her to a fictional character from a book, a movie. Immensely satisfied with the comparison he had just made, he smiled widely. She knew he was trying to say more than just that; in a way he had just made a jab at her own character, but she pretended to remain oblivious to the indication and simply smiled back. It was the easiest thing to do. He said a few other things, but she was no longer listening. She was still looking above her, watching the rotations, as her mind kept venturing back to earlier that day, to a setting completely different from the one she was currently in, with people completely different from the one who was accompanying her now.

..................................

They had had a few things to say, specially him. She couldn't remember the last time she had had an actual conversation with him, but now, thanks to one person in the middle, they had been made to talk. He sounded puzzled, bewildered... guilty, even. Of what, he had wanted to know. Rightfully, too. No, he was not guilty. She told him she, herself, was. But a part of her knew it wasn't her either. Nor was it the one sitting in between them, trying her best. She just didn't want to name the person who came to mind while they were pointing fingers. She was trying to protect him from the pointers. Why, she wondered  for a split second, and then dismissed the pondering. This was just how it was, how it had been.

...................................

Deciding that she had finally seen enough of the rotating fan, she rolled on to her side, still silent. He raised an eyebrow, as if waiting for her to say what was on her mind. She hesitated slightly, almost told him about her conversation from that morning, then decided against it. Naturally. Instead, she just smiled again, pulled herself up, tied back her hair and stepped into her shoes.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

So, what is it that drags me out of whatever crappy impotence I was going through? =P

Well, the perfect place. The perfect evening. The perfect weather, yes. The perfect time of the day. But, above all, the perfect company. That one person who makes my life Infinite, amazing beyond comprehension. My best friend. MY PERSON. So, if you are reading this, thank you. For this evening. For EVERYTHING. You ARE everything. I'm blessed. And, I love you.

So, this is it. One year and four months. Ninety-four posts and one missing post. Not bad, huh?

The Girl Next Door

She's isn't literally the girl NEXT door, but she lives close enough. =)
And I swear, if I'm sad or something, talking to her REALLY helps. And she just finds her way to talk to me perfectly even with me being emo, and soon enough, I'm back to normal. =D

This is kind of a weird post, because the two of us have functioned like this for years now, and this is nothing new. But I just want to make sure I'm appreciating it enough, you know? =)

So, yes. This person definitely makes it to my list of most loved people. :D And, my god, I love her. =')

The World Can Kick You When You're Down.

^ True story.

On the bright side - GOOD MUSIC, MAN! =D
The Winery Dogs. \m/

Unconditional? No, thanks.

We had great times together. A fraction of those times have actually been recorded in my blog. I just hope it's not over, you know? I hope that one day we can resume all the crazy stuff we'd do together, laugh like mad people, talk for hours and just be there in each other's lives. 'Cause, honestly, I miss having that friend with whom I'd end up talking about stuff even after I told myself that I wouldn't. And I miss having that version of this one friend. I miss all of it. Sometimes I think of certain happenings from the past and I get so mad. I feel as if a lot of it is unfair. Who am I kidding? I always knew that it was unfair. But sometimes a person is just worth taking the shit for. What do you do, though, when s/he seems to lose the worth? Do you just let go 'cause it was overdue anyway? Or do you try to keep holding on like you always did? What if you've always been the one going the extra distance, trying to hold on.. and now there just isn't anything to hold on to? I say, you let it go. Whatever happens will just happen.

Charlie-esque.

I read about his sister. I read about the two people who stumbled upon him at his brother's party when he was young. I read about the pretty girl with the green eyes. I read about the talkative girl who fought causes and talked about women's rights. I read about the best friend who killed himself. I read about HIM, the main protagonist. And I connected to all of it, all of them. It's when you can read about fictional people and REALLY want to tell them, "It's okay. I know how you feel."
But they are nothing more than two-dimensional characters, trapped in the pages of a book. However, someone had to create them, right? Someone had to construct the plot, dictate and decide what happens to these people. And if someone came up with all this, then there must be other people who live through all these experiences. And, in the end, we are not alone. We are just similar individuals scattered all around the world. And, when we want to relate, it doesn't always have to be a method involving physical presence.

Upturn

Honestly, I started my post-exam holidays with ZERO enthusiasm. I expected nothing of it, and surely enough, the beginning lived up to the expectations. But magic happened when my parents began to worry that I was turning into some socially-retarded freak. They started going out of their ways to send me out and make me plan activities and all. That I finally did. Not so much planning, though. But I eased up a little about the idea of dragging myself out of home. And things turned out amazing.
An awesome sleepover with a group of old friends made the entire holiday-time worth it. And then, believe it or not, there were EVEN better days.
But, I'm not going to say that I got nothing out of locking myself up at home for the first five days. I got to read this amazing book that moved me in ways unimaginable. If I were to describe the book in one word, I'd go for "poignant". It broke my heart, honestly. But it made me realize my field of passion. And, right after I finished the book, I woke up the next morning KNOWING that my main SAT II subject was definitely going to be Biology. I even ended up researching chronic illnesses, out of interest and also need, but I'm telling you that these were not even in the syllabus. When I very briefly summarized the plot of the book to my mom, it brought her to tears. I guess that's just how powerful it was. My Sister's Keeper.
When ("if") I go to school next week, I'll be proud of the past two weeks. I truly will. And I'll feel really good about this time.

Chasing Cars. < Yes, that's the song. (H)

So, I'll keep this short.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! xD

Tuesday. <3

So, ummm, I just had a REALLY nice evening after a REALLY long time.

Okay, bye.

The Tide That Left And Never Came Back

For a few seconds, I had my friend back. It's not what you said, but the way you said it. Haha. :P
No, seriously, it was nice. And even if it was, like, just two sentences, it made me feel like you're still here, you know? =) And that was Infinite enough.
It would be wrong if I said I don't know what has happened ever since the last time I've felt like you were here. I know, you know, other people know what it was. But maybe it's just you and me who know exactly what it has been like. Or maybe even I don't know to the full extent. I'm not trying to tell you that it's fair. I'm just saying that, sometimes, it's just how things are.
Maybe you're being you now. Maybe who I used to know wasn't the genuine friend you really are, but it was definitely the person I had gotten used to. Maybe you have barriers around you now; not against me or anything, but just barriers in general. Hard to imagine, knowing you. But these happen. We've all felt the necessity to put these fences up from time to time. I had barriers too, several times in my life. I had barriers with you at a point, but they were for a different reason. Not to keep you out, I'm telling you. But just to keep you from wishing to reach here. It was important for you to retaliate and swing back. You did. And now I don't have to do anything. It just works out. So, that's great, I suppose. =)
Moments where I feel that you've always been here are good too. It has been long enough and now it's okay to feel positive about these random instants, instead of freaking out all the time. Well, there you go. Those two sentences of yours were powerful enough to bring me to this and lead me to directly address a blog post to you for the first time. (H)

Preachershock.

So, he returns home, stays undercover for a month, and then surprises us as soon as we're done with our exams. Who else could pull this off other than the very Preacherman? My vacation enthusiasm has been fully restored. It is scary though, to think of having another "End Transmission" at the end of August. Saying goodbye ONCE was heartbreaking enough. But, the truth is, I wasn't even expecting to see him in the next few years. It will be a true miracle to be able to see him again, hopefully next week. And I know there were times in the past four months when I felt like I'd do anything to see him once more time and just hear a few inspirational words. So, this is it. I feel Infinite.

Help Me Leave Behind Some Reasons To Be Missed?

There are people I love, appreciate and cherish. And they are amazing people. I find myself constantly seeing all the wonderful things about them and always hoping that others will do the same for them. But, when these very people cause me to feel inferior and make me look bad in front of others, it really sucks, even if they didn't really intend to cause any such effect. I'm not saying I've never faced this before, BUT THAT'S THE THING. I thought I had left those days far behind me. But, I suppose some things just find a way to catch up to you, in one form or another.