Raised Bars and Pretty Autumns

You write me a long mail, and I write to you here before mailing back an actual reply. Funny how this is probably the more intimate reply when this is the one you will never even read.

You are missed.

I have said this a million times, a fraction of which I have even said directly to you - You were never just a teacher. Not even for a second. You have been the friend, the older brother, the parent-figure, the idol and the guide that one might always want. And I'm lucky I know you. I really am.

I have told you before that you've spoiled us. You've spoiled me. Raising my expectations incredibly high, so high that I could never find another teacher to teach me your subjects after you left the country. Well, as it turns out, you have spoiled me in many more ways and I'm only starting to realize it, one year and a two-third after you leaving.
You were one of ("one of" just to be extra-cautious) the funniest, craziest, most open-minded person I knew. You most definitely beat all the other grown-ups in each of that. And we all loved you for it. What I never fully realized before is how you managed to be all that WHILE also being one of the most mature, most sensible, and above all, most respectful.

I guess it's because of you that I have come to feel this way. I constantly keep thinking about how it was possible for you to be such a complete person, so effortlessly maintaining all these things that made you so incredible. I suppose that is why the bars are so greatly raised. And that is why I keep thinking how a person can be all of it at the same time. And that is why I often find myself being disappointed. Even with the almost-perfect ones.

Of course, I myself want to become like you before I start pointing my finger at others who, in my eyes, are failing to be so. I just wish you were here to be a constant reminder of what one can be all at the same time.

Thank you for sending me pictures of the beautiful autumn that you are having the fortune of witnessing at the moment. It is my favorite season. And it always feels good to know how life is for you. I just hope it is offering you everything you deserve.

Love,

B(h)uri. :)

Eighteen.

I'm never going to forget that night. Awake at 3:00 am, talking to a little girl about everything, starting from the deteriorating quality of cornflakes to financial crises.. Finding things in common, like how we both really, really want jobs in ice-cream parlors where they give you two free buckets as welcoming presents. We talked about all that. Everything to keep my mind working and not focusing on..well..yeah. She didn't know what was up. But we talked. About ice-cream and cornflakes and paatishapta pithas.

I'll never forget that night. Or maybe I will. Maybe one day it won't even be at the back of my mind. It will just be ..gone. I won't remember it.

The next day was far more extreme. Little girl had bigger stuff to do than keep me busy with vibrant talks of ice-creams, cornflakes and paatishapta pithas, of course. But she called. She asked if she should drop by. I said no. I don't always like..sympathy (is that it?). I will never forget that day. Never.

But, then again, who knows?

A few days later we found a word. Lypophrenia. We self-diagnosed our pathetic selves. God bless you, kid. You're not pathetic. But we were, in that moment; we both really were. And a lot of people are. We figured that out too. But there was a choice. I made one.

And I went into..remission (note: improvised vocabulary).

I'll never forget the measures taken. But..who knows? Maybe I will struggle to place a finger on the memory one day. Maybe it'll be like an annoying itch out of  reach. Maybe then I'll stop trying to remember. And one day it'll be gone. Just like the results of the measures are gone right now. Relapse.

If there's one thing I've learned, one day you will not be seventeen anymore and things will just be .. gone.

~ I Need Inspiration, Not Just Another Negotiation.

Dearest Preacherman,

You are missed. You know that, right?

You told me that you had to get a second copy because you lent the first and didn't think it was appropriate to go back to ask for it. As dumb as it sounds, I kept thinking this over and over the other day.
Now, I know it wouldn't go that way in my case because at least I'M nowhere near as sensible or mature as you must have been. But I considered it anyway. Several times.

Anyways, our shared time and space mean a lot to me, sir. So yeah. For you, maybe?

If you were to ever read this, you'd have no idea what I'm saying, would you? That saddens me now.
Well, maybe you'd guess. As the most arrogant friend of mine once said, your wisdom teeth were probably the first things to develop in the fetus.

You are missed. Always.

Love,

B(h)uri.

~ 'Cause Now You're Trying To Pick A Fight With Everyone You Need.

Why do this every time?

You're fragile, explosive. Silently explosive. The worst kind. I'm often afraid of you. Maybe not as much as others are, though. Well, you will get help if you ask for it. If you want something, you need to say it. If you don't want something, then you need to say that too.

Why make yourself go through this? What are you trying to get out of this? Or, more importantly, what are you trying to get away from?

Tell me. Tell us. Tell someone. Anyone. Somebody who might be able to help set this straight. Because, if you tell me that nothing's wrong now, I'll laugh. And you know you'll be lying too.

This wasn't how this is supposed to work. We had plans. Big plans. Long-term plans. Right?

If things are going to be like this, then why have I been seeing you as one of the people always present when I'm picturing my most important days? What was the point, then, of setting a place for you by default?

This sucks.

I miss you.

~ I Want To Make A Ray Of Sunshine And Never Leave Home.

Do you ever go through a time when you keep thinking of a specific person repeatedly? Whatever you do, whatever you see around you, the train of thoughts ultimately leads you to the same person?
Like, when your mom is talking to your dad about his job, and you remember the time your mom texted you to tell you about your dad's promotion, and then you think of how happy you were when you received that text, and that in turn makes you think of the person who was standing next to you at that moment.
Or when your dad sees something on TV and makes a childish joke and you all laugh, does that in some way take you back to a place, perhaps to the memory of a different joke? And do you find yourself once again thinking of that specific person? And do you freak out because it's a bit scary? And do you wonder if it's just you? And do you wish you weren't away? And wish you were just talking right then? Or something like that...

Happy Holidays.

So, it's the summer of 2010. Minus the temperature, and the vitamin and calcium supplements. Uh, yay?

Shiny-Hairman-Pathetic-Nerdy-Weirdo-Doodle-Doo

Happiness is:
Having a friend who calls you up in the middle of the night suspecting something is wrong just because your text included the words "Am I disturbing you?", who stays on the phone for hours despite you having a crappy network coverage and him having to repeat his words multiple times, who makes you laugh while you say sad things, who keeps accusing you of crying when he hears you laugh over phone, who can be extremely sexist and blames female hormones for being the source of all trouble in the world, who pisses you off by saying that although you think you're mature enough you're just a girl at the end of the day, who says you should never cry because you're the strongest girl he knows, who says you read too many books and you suck because you have a vocabulary like Stephen Hawking's, who says you're actually mature after all, who leaves the conversation for a while because he really needs to pee, who repeatedly asks if you're sure it's not just a severe case of PMS, who says "Haaireh, your poetic words can stab, you know!?" when you're trying to make a point, who tells you things you already knew but needed to hear again, who has been there for you through everything.
Yeah.

Dead Starshine.

I have a friend. We haven't been friends forever, but he is one my closer friends at the moment. He's really dumb. He doesn't know what's good for him, he doesn't know how to deal with certain people (well, person) who treat(s) him like crap. And I get so mad at him for the way he is. No matter what you tell him, the guy just doesn't grow a vertebra where he needs it to grow. -_-
But I love him. And I feel sorry for him. And when I talk to him, it makes me wonder about how things work. I'm the one advising and all, but at times I just listen to what he says with no reply. Because I don't have anything to say.
I hear him complain about how it's unfair that people kind of just get over the magnitudes of feelings and how it sucks that he's the only one who never outgrows these things. I just listen to him. And wonder.
Never liked changes. Still don't.

:S

Oh, dear God. I used to maintain such formal and decent language on this blog.
Right after my last post, I realized that that's broken now. :S Either I'm more impatient or people are just bigger assholes these days. Ughh.

Piss-off.

Seriously. Stop doing stuff like that and being such a fuckin' piss-off.
Are these things people grow out of?
Or do these stay for life? Because, then, we have a problem.

Because stressed spelled backwards is desserts.. and Preacherman is Preacherman.

When it's really late in the night, and A2 Chemistry is close to making you cry, and you're thinking that you've got no chance at all... And you see that Preacherman has mailed you a photo of what he's having for dessert, you feel as if it's going to be okay. Yeah.

Nightmare

There was a thunderstorm that night. I was lying awake in bed, unaware, as the closed windows and drawn curtains gave nothing away. You laughed at me and informed me that nine people had died somewhere in the storm. I, on the other hand, selfishly had different thoughts on my mind. Or was it so selfish? I don't know. I remember everything you told me but not a word of what I said in reply. I only remember not being of much help. But, then again, what was there to say? Words from "The Kite Runner" kept flooding back to me. Something about the fear of being profoundly happy. Something else about fear, about life. Does it really matter? May God bless us all.

Ughh.

The bottom line is that they are all assholes in their own, very unique ways.

Scraped Knees And Lost Toys.

I'm entirely capable of being reasonable about certain things that a lot of people wouldn't be willing to consider. But it's kind of funny how the part that actually saddens me is the most childish one, the one a kid would be upset about. But, knowing me, knowing us, I guess it makes complete sense. I know there are people who would fully understand why, out of all that, this comparatively most trivial part is making me tear up every now and then, but I just don't feel like talking to them about it. I don't know. I hope I get over this soon enough 'cause, till then, I'm not going to be the kid I usually am.

Unsaid, Unwritten, Unrevealed.

If I had to run out of a burning house with only one object, it would most probably be this.

To Bruises And Sunburns

It was the best, to say the least. This two-day experience of participating and volunteering in the annual school sports of 2014 easily makes it to my list of most memorable events. The feverish feeling, the cramps, the wounds, the fatigue and the dehydration were all entirely worth it. I'm grateful to have had this experience in my last year of high school. Here's to ending with a blast, with the group of people I love so much. =)

Company

This is the most fun I've had in days. It feels good to be with all these people. :)

Heroes

It's hard to see your heroes fall. Yes, it is. It's like having to take that poster off, the one you've been looking up to for too long. Or like folding it's edges, or just shifting it to the back wall. Whichever way it's done, it's always hard.

Is There Ever Really A Right Time?

I guess I'm going to have to do this on my own. You're not here and, believe me, it has been anything but easy. The afternoons are the emptiest of all. How long has it been anyway? What's the point of keeping count when there's nothing to wait for?

I don't know how it is that you do what you did, but, well, you set the benchmark a bit too high. And then I ended up on my own when you left. I need your guidance, your presence, just like several others need you out here. I don't know if I'm weak or stubborn or simply spoiled; all I know is that it's either you or none. And that is that. It's just me.

~ I'm Shining Like Fireworks Over Your Sad, Empty Town.

"Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone tonight,
Well, I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why..." (8)

Yes, I know I have outgrown Taylor Swift, but, at times, she is still perfect to listen to.

Anyways, here's to growing up and not being under fifteen anymore.

Polarity

I had this post in mind once before, but, back then I was in too good a mood to write it down. Now, here I go.
Years ago, I had once told a friend that things are always in the extremes. You need to make a choice between two options. Each has its flaws; you just need to select the one that has less. It gets hard at times, carrying around this mental weighing balance all the time.
Once again, I am reminded that it is, in fact, very true. You can have this or that. Black or white. Heatwaves or blizzards. Why is there no intermediate? I KNOW that nothing, nobody, will be a perfect balance. Everything and everyone WILL tend to lean more towards one side than the other. But why must things be so much in the extreme? Too much this or too much that? Why is there nothing in the middle? And, if there IS, then why can I not see it?

2013 in the rear-view.

So, 2013 is over. And I thought I should reflect a bit. This blog is something that's going to stay, and it'll probably be nice to look at years from now. I don't know if it was the best YEAR overall or anything, but the best thing that has ever happened to me has definitely happened in 2013.

Well, the year began weirdly. The first event of 2013 for me was a trip to Movenpick with one of my best friends. It had been pending and long-awaited for. Things were starting to look up, but there will always be some things that I'll probably never really say even when they're on my mind, bothering me. But, let's just put all that aside. After the first day, I began to look forward to the rest of 2013. There were some changes to be made, some traditions to let go of. And I did so. I'm not going to say it was a piece of cake, 'cause I hate changes, but what I was trying to prevent was a bigger, devastating change. And you just need to move on with life, I guess. I'm thankful to all the people who have been so nice to me, so supportive, all throughout.

The days were going well, until one fine afternoon, Preacherman said he'd be leaving. I don't have the words to put that day into description. I don't even have words for the days that followed, when we made all our efforts into organizing a memorable farewell for him. Maybe that's when it really began. During those days, I found myself in the company of one particular friend, again and again. And it was never enough. It's not like I wasn't aware of this before, but I stopped fighting it completely and just made the best of it.

Preacherman left. All we had was each other, the Preacherwave family. And we made it through, most of the time.

March had a lot in store. Exams were near. We were trying to fill the void left by the absence of Preacherwave sessions. And I constantly kept spending time with that one friend, who made my world go around. It had to happen at SOME point, didn't it? US, I mean. 29th March changed my life, gave a whole new meaning to Infinite. Thank you.

Then came the exams. We were as screwed up as ever. I never even got to the question papers. The exams passed. Vacation began. Couldn't have been any better. Preacherman was here to visit. Sure he was all thin and looked really weird now ( =P ), but he was still the inspiration he had always been. Two months of Preacherwave made me even closer to this unbelievable teacher. And it was harder to watch him leave, again.

Things changed. People grew apart. At first it probably just started with physical distance. But sometimes that gets in the way, brings mental changes. People were busy with their own lives, their different priorities. But I guess somewhere inside, everyone's still there. I don't know, really.

The results brought disaster upon us all. Unexpected for the most part. Things changed further, but this time it was hardly our choice. 

Twelfth grade is supposed to be the year that you spend with everyone because you're all going to be scattered the next year. But we were already pretty scattered, without much warning. We got used to it eventually, I guess.

Sometimes you feel like you know a person for years, because you literally HAVE known her for years, but then suddenly it seems like you had gotten her all wrong. And not in a good way. I don't know. I don't want to judge. I just hope that the people I care about can figure out who they truly are and what they want in life. It sucks to see them lost like this. Yes, I'd like to use the term "lost", 'cause I don't want to think that this IS their place.

I had great moments this year. My family has been beyond wonderful. About the result disaster, about everything else. They have been endlessly supportive. Recently my dad was diagnosed with a block in his artery and needed to get a stenting done. It was a horrible time. Somehow it made realize all over again how my family defines me in so many ways and just how important it is. My dad's doing better now. I just hope everything remains okay.

I don't know if anything can be better than being in love with your best friend (and not being unrequited =P ). My year has been made amazing by this best friend, the best thing that has ever happened to me. And it has been nine Infinite months. =)

Yesterday, on the 31st, as per tradition, I called up the friend with whom I make resolutions each year (knowing that it'll all be in vain :P ). And though time has created a gap between us, it felt great to be able to speak to her in the exact same way as I used to. I guess that's the thing with such old friends. You can put aside the interval and just talk.

My 31st evening was nothing extravagant. But I spent it with the person I most wanted to be with. A long, aimless winter walk with him was enough to give me a great ending to 2013.

I hope 2014 treats everyone very well. God bless us all. =)