Burial Backfire

"That was a long time ago, but it's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out."

The above lines are from the book I've just read, The Kite Runner. It might just be the best individual book I've come across till now. Well, I can't say that I completely disagree with those lines. The thing is, you CAN bury the past, to an extent. You can bury all that is tangible - photos, objects, surroundings. You can get rid of certain things, distance yourself from a few others. It is the intangible that is tricky to deal with.

Memories. That's what they are in a vast sense. But, whoever said you cannot shove memories away and leave them to fade out gradually? You can bury memories too, but once again, to an extent.
There are entities, intangible ones, that you possess and that is yours to give away when you choose to. Along the way, you end up spending these, distributing them at particular points. But, the thing is, these are such that cannot be restored, cannot be retrieved. Once given, they are gone. You cannot regain them, you cannot take them back to give out at a different occasion. The simplest, and perhaps the least personal, example of such an entity is time. You never get it back. These entities (or loss thereof) are what make memories so recurring, so vivid.

For instance, you are doing a good job in burying the past. And then, suddenly, you reach a significant point in the present and you feel that it seems to be the perfect place to plant one of those landmarks, those milestones, only to realize that it is no longer among your possessions. You have already given it away, at a far less appropriate, perhaps even WRONG, instant. The realization causes your mind to drift back towards that time, to wander around the contours of the past that you have been burying so successfully. And it begins to claw its way out.

Always Tuned In To Preacherwave

Today was supposed to be a very difficult day. And, as expected, it wasn't easy. The institution people made me teach in the ex-Preacherwave room for a short while due to the unavailability of my usual classroom, and it almost brought tears.
But I had waken up to a text from the Preacherman, asking me the usual "Buri, ekta gaan shunbi?".
And I knew that it would be okay. He was at the airport, past immigration, yet he was preaching his music to me, just like he always did. It was all good. For now, no change. The rest I'll deal with slowly. Baby steps.

Because You Teach, Preach and Reach.

There comes a time when people just have to part ways, turn around and walk in a different direction. And this, I mean literally. Despite always having known this, it is inexplicably heartbreaking to part ways with the Preacherman - a philosopher, a mentor, an idol in whose hands I could lay my life down without hesitation, completely trusting him with it. Of course, this is no final goodbye, because, it's a small world after all (and God bless technology). But, to be oceans apart, to know that I will no longer have to spend (tolerate) at least six hours of him every week, to accept that I will not be seeing that lovable, bearded face and those animated eyebrows raised at me, claiming homework - Now how is that easy in any way?
And, every time I let my thoughts flow freely in this direction, it always had the same affect, I still cannot get past the throbbing in my head and the blurred vision.

But I know that he just has to go to the other side of the world, pick up the new building blocks and design for himself the next stage of his life full of hard work, success and happiness. And with the amount of faith I have in this man, I know that he will try his best to retain as much of his current life as possible. And that includes us.
I also know that I will never be able to accept any other Physics or Chemistry teacher. Ever. It will always be him, no matter who I'm officially taking lessons from. I will always be a student of the Preacherman. This man not only taught me science, but also life. And how can anyone else ever beat that?

The least we could do for the person who has given us so very much was to bid him a cherishable (and hopefully temporary) farewell, letting him know that he is loved beyond measure. And the most we could do in such a limited amount of time was, well, not as much as we would have liked to. But it was worth everything, though it included some of us working our asses off.

It was a beautiful evening. A large crowd of people, thirty-seven of his eleventh-graders and one very helpful, involved tenth-grader, gathered to make the occasion truly memorable for him. Suddenly, it didn't matter which school you went to, which friend circle you belonged in, what kind of student you were, how long you had been around, how different (or how uncomfortably similar) you were to whomever - People were brought together by that one thing in common: A wish to make it special for the beloved Preacherman. Of course, everyone's degree of urgency was nowhere near equal, but its mere existence within each individual was enough.

And, as we gave him things to remember us by and reasons not to leave, he shed tears out of sentiments I cannot even explain. But we knew that he knew. He knew that he was going to be permanent part of us. And, in that infinite moment, it was enough. But, then again, almost.

Reaching Out

Throughout the years, I have been close to quite a few of my teachers, but I had never imagined such a level of propinquity. The Preacherman takes this to a whole new level. In times of severe distress and/or stupefaction, when nobody else seems to make much sense, or some people just keep telling me things I don't want to hear while others choose to say nothing at all, it is this Preacherman I resort to, for help and advice. He never tells me what and what not to do, but simply asks me questions that lead me to where I should be headed. Initially, his direct questions infuriate me and I begin to feel that I have made a mistake by talking to him about things. But then the answers are right there, flowing from my own mind, and I'm thinking in the right direction once again. At the end of the day, when my troubles are under control and I've figured out what I have to do for the moment, I take some time to thank him.
And, to that, he always says, "These are the intrinsic rewards of teaching. The tuition fees, the classes and the notes may all be materialistic, but it feels priceless to reach out to someone at a completely personal level."

I probably never understood completely the degree of truth behind those words before. But when a student of my own fidgets during class, waiting for a chance to speak to me, and approaches me right after the lesson to share with me some of the hurdles she has been facing in life - it really starts to make sense. When she pours her heart out, listens intently to what I have to say to it and claims that she feels a lot better after speaking to me, I feel truly blessed. And I fully understand the meaning of the words the Preacherman tells me every time I show my gratitude towards him. I can finally comprehend the sheer magnitude of it. It all falls into place and I feel unquestionably rewarded.

Pointless Pondering

So, you wear your straight face and listen to everything everyone says, thinking, "Do they even hear themselves?" And you know that they do. But that's all they'll ever say. No more and no less. Just enough to make you wonder.

Infinite

And in that moment, I swear we were Infinite.

Bleh.

So, it's just another winter vacation. I'm done with my midterms. The exams didn't go anything near as good as they should have. But, with little preparation and much procrastination, how much can one ask for in the first place?
Whatever. That's not even important. At least not until the moment when a parent goes to collect the results.
I don't have any plans yet, except for the lazy indoor ones. But then, again, all the fun that ever happens around me are the most random stuff. So, with hopes of an enjoyable vacation, I am just going to be lazy and cherish freedom for the moment.

Also, a side note: This blog post is a retarded one where I just write stuff 'cause it's been a while since I did that here.
Life's just uneventful and all.
Yeah, right! I wish! :P

October, 2012.

So, the month of October is finally coming to an end. I thought that I'd blog about the whole month at the very end of it, but then there were a few things that I just HAD to note down from time to time before forgetting.

The thing is, I always wait for October because it's my birthday month and the weather's really pretty. Truth be told, this was my best October and I thank the Almighty for it. My seventeenth birthday was undoubtedly one of the few best days of my seventeen years of life, if not the VERY best. The effort that was put into it by my dearest and not-so-dearest friends was unimaginable. I was given the most amazing surprise party, the most heartfelt wishes, the most creative presents.
When your friends work hard to give a tune to a special poem that you once wrote, and it gets turned into a beautiful song, you can't help but get teary-eyed at the thoughtfulness of it all.
And then I received the best birthday present I have ever had, 'cause God knows how much I really wished I had it - the hard copy of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".
The best part? The cover's blue in color, with yellow writing, and has Emma Watson on it! <3 EEEEEEEEEE! :D
Truly blessed I am.

So, birthdays are supposed to make you feel special, and luckily, the entire month has treated me that way. Parts of it were philosophical and practical, of course. Though I was reminded all over again, during discussions and notes, that things will one day change and friends will drift apart, both physically and mentally - I was also left with the belief that this doesn't have to happen today. And until the day arrives, we can keep on trying. I had pondered upon the idea of Nothing Lasts Forever, but then again, had I really found anything worth making an exception for? And now I look at my friends, and I just know that they are worth every fight.

"I know that one day we will be in different parts of the world, you doing whatever it is that successful genetic engineers do and, I, perhaps wiping the floors of NASA. And we'll be married to people we won't even know before a few years from now. Even then, I hope that you will call me up sometimes, just to complain about PMS or tell me that you're on your period."
^ When your best friend tells you that, how can you not have hopes of Forever?

Also, while Autumn leaves and makes way for yet another winter, I realize that it's okay to take chances, to stop thinking collectively for a moment and to live certain parts of your life without the walls.

More Than Mere Metathesiophobia?

I tell myself that this sudden sadness is just due to the fact that I hate changes, whatever it is. And, against all odds, I sincerely HOPE that I am right.

When you're stuck in the moment while the world moves too fast ~ There's no word for it.

Every once in a blue moon, I get to think over this beautiful blessing known as life and can't find a word to describe what I feel about it. But if I describe the situation and surroundings, maybe you'll understand and view life in the way I saw it during those moments.

It's when you're sitting on a park bench late in the half-wintry evening, gazing up through the gaps in the foliage, and seeing the moon, while your friend sits next to you, drinking Coca Cola. This friend is a person with whom you're always very crazy and animated. But not on this evening.

Eventually, she follows your gaze up towards the moon, and you two just sit there n silence, for several moments. Until...

"I want to cry," you state. 

And she says, "Me too."

But it's not weird to either of you. And so you cry. Then she offers you coke, because if she drinks too much of it, she'll need to pee. And you can't drink because you're laughing too hard. And you're crying too. And spitting out coke into the dark evening surroundings. Then your friend tries to help you out, but you cannot believe the situation. You end up grabbing her hand and making her feel the tears escaping down your cheeks, just because you find them so impossible and want a witness. She says she'd have stored those special tears but they've already evaporated. And you tell her to shut up because science cannot begin to explain the moment in which you two found yourselves suddenly. She obeys. It's silent again.

It's the moment when you're listening to "The Only Exception" playing on your phone, and you're wondering who it is. Or who it will be. 

Then you discuss with your friend about the generations before you and wonder what life has done to them to make them who they are today. You tell your friend about how this mutual best friend of your parents recently came over to visit a few days in a row, and at one point, your parents found it odd. And you thought that there must have been a time, decades ago, when these three friends would die to see one another every single day. Then you wonder what life will one day do to you.

Eventually, you end up leaving the park and settling down in an empty balcony attached to a crowded classroom. The air conditioner drips on you and the mosquitoes buzz their somnolent drones all around, but you can still see a part of the sky, and in that moment, that is all you really need. 

You end up listing some of the silly little things you want to do before you die. 

You want to ride on the back of a pick-up truck, feeling free.

You want to gatecrash some strangers' wedding and hug the bride before you leave.

You want to sneak up on a random busy pedestrian from behind, clap your hands over his/her eyes, and ask "Guess who?"

You want to instantly kiss an unknown guy (preferably unmarried :P ) just because he said something supportive about feminism.

You want to sway to a musical moment with someone on the roof of a high-rise building.

You want to lie flat on your back on a rooftop and spend an entire night looking up at the sky.

The wishes are endless.

Then you talk to your friend about all the people around you, all those who matter and all those who never will. Your friend helps you make a list of all those who have already had their reality-checks and all the ones who need one badly. You talk about another friend and the relationship she is in. You wonder who she'll become when she marries the guy. Or who she'll become if she never gets to marry him. And you talk about another friend who'll probably end up having an arranged marriage because no girl will ever be able to cope up with the way his mind works. And then you both laugh and promise to be present on all your friends' weddings, including each other's.
After that, you shift your thoughts in the direction of your siblings. You two wonder what your respective oh-so-annoying little brothers will turn out to be in the future. You try to picture what your brother's face will look like when he goes out with the first girl he falls in love with and what it will look like if he never gets to go out with her. And you wonder who these kids will become once life has happened to them.
Next, your friend helps you figure things out. You realize that some people will appreciate you because they love you, instead of loving you because they appreciate you. You realize that some people will love you so much that they will never even want to be with you. You realize that some people who once loved you will end up being only a memory to be recollected while you're having an ice-cream. You realize that some people, despite having a disliking towards you, will accept you publicly, just because you seem to be loved by others. And you realize that you don't really want any of that. What you actually want is what you really need. And what you need takes time. And that's okay. That was always okay.
With the world changing at a breakneck speed , and being taken over by overrated modernization, you realize that sometimes all you need is an old-fashioned Christopher Columbus who will help you discover yourself using the most genuine, natural methods. And that's when you gaze up one more time and thank the Almighty for such an evening with such a friend.

Phases

At times, it seems that certain people are not there for you. Like, they abandoned you for no good reason. And you miss them and start getting scared because you think that everything has changed permanently.
But then, one day, when you're in a horrible state, they are suddenly there again. They help you out in the most subtle way, giving you moral support, defending you in front of others and making you laugh about the very things that may have been bothering you. And they ask you to be emo just because they miss taking care of you. Now, that is special. And such people are special. It just feels good to know that, for once, nothing at all has changed, and the dear ones never really left. People go through phases, and that's okay. 'Cause in the end, what matters is that they are there for you when you need them the most. What more could one ask for? :)

Resistance

You know, at times you just want to do something. Some random thing. And you feel all unsettled till it's done. You want to do it just because of the circumstance that presents itself in front of you right at that instant. That's what it is, really. A spur of the moment. And you know, in that instant, it is THE thing to do. But then, fortunately or unfortunately, your rational side dominates and you think of the consequences that will result later on from the action. You then consider what they'll say, do, and worst of all, think. And then it's gone, the moment. You wonder if it will EVER recur in exactly the same manner and whether you'll then have the chance to fulfill the sudden whim you just experienced. Will it be okay to go along with your impulse the next time? Or will it just be the same? And if the old rational realization strikes you once more, will you resist and back off from your instincts again? Or will you want to make a difference and not think collectively, but ONLY for yourself, once in a lifetime? If you do, will it really be worth the consequences?

Autumn

I have always loved the fact that my birthday is in autumn. Autumn has this amazing feeling of a junction, where you switch from the summer's warmth and prepare yourself for the beautiful winter. It's a buffer, somewhere in the middle, a very comfortable zone. And the weather is lovely too, most of the time :)

As tranquil as autumn is, I always seem to get all nervous and fidgety as my birthday approaches. This has not been so since forever, but maybe for a while. It's just that my birthday comes once in a year, well, obviously. And although it is just another day, it IS my birthday. And that's supposed to mean something to me. While my birthday draws nearer now, as thrilled as I am, I have this sense of edginess, because, what if this ONE day of the year turns out to be no special than the rest? Sure, I'd still appreciate life and all, but even then, shouldn't this day stand out, just by a bit? I have had good birthdays, and for that I am grateful. I have also had a horrible one that I wish to forget. But the majority was good, and hence, I feel blessed :)

So, as I anxiously wait for the 12th of October, I pray that it goes well. If not special, I hope that it's at least like any other good day and that nothing goes wrong. That'll be enough for me, really. And I hope that I'm ready to be seventeen by then, 'cause right now, it feels quite far away.

Ambiguity

If I were to talk to an old friend right now, with whom I have not talked in a while, and the friend should ask me what has been up with me, I would simply answer with a nonchalant “Nothing much” and talk about ‘A’ Levels for a bit. But the truth is, a lot is actually up. Cascades of incidents are happening, and very fast, too. The problem, however, is that I cannot name the things that are occurring ; I just cannot put a finger on the precise words. Nor can I describe accurately what is currently going on with me, and maybe that’s because too much is being kept in the dark while a bunch of other things are being brought forth, all too quickly. And I hardly know which is which, or, what goes where.

Perhaps this is one of those times when I can say that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

Rise and Fall and Rise, and Then?

It’s been over a month since my last blog post. And, as weird as it was to abandon it at ‘Panic!’, I just did not feel like blogging until right now. Maybe my sudden desire to blog again is due to the fact that I realize that I have SO much to study right now, and I’d rather do something else, ANYTHING else, instead.

As for the panic, it ended well. Achieving an ‘O’ Levels result of seven A*s and one ‘A’ was something that I could only dream of ever since my cousin’s results came out last year. Managing to secure the exact same grades in reality was nothing but a dream that came true last month, and I could not have asked for more. The one 'A' grade is quite an achievement, since it was gifted to me by the subject Further Pure Mathematics, which had been my phobia. So that is enough for me. And I’m just happy that I could manage to keep an A* in English. It is, after all, the most disaster-prone subject and also my pride :) So yeah.

I, myself, was freaked out by the way I literally SOBBED when I FINALLY saw my grades online at 6 a.m. on the 23^rd of August. It wasn’t happiness, well maybe only partially, but mostly it was tremendous relief.  And the instant my mom joined in with me, I knew that I needed nothing more. Not at that moment, at least. This was followed by a wonderful visit from my beloved grandmother and aunt at 6:30 a.m., congratulatory phone-calls, gift money (:P), various other presents, celebratory outings and dinners, etc.

And I could not be more grateful to the Almighty for letting me live up to the expectations of SO many people who happen to be SO concerned about me. But, above all, my parents, God knows how much I disappointed them repeatedly at one point in time. Not just disappointed, they were hurt by what I’d do and how I’d be most of the time. They would lose hope again and again, thinking I was a lost case, but refusing to believe so. And a lost case was exactly what I had appeared to be at that point. This is something I never discussed too openly with anyone. Only strong beings like parents would have the strength to reconstruct dreams that had been so dreadfully shattered, and that’s what mine did, time and time again. I can only imagine how much my rapid academic deterioration in the 8^th and 9^th grade affected them, when they were so used to seeing me excel at academics all throughout my school life. What good would admirable elementary school results do me if I would be declining in high school, a pivotal point of my life? ‘Cause all is well that ends well.And I’m happy that I could give this to my parents in my final chance.

I know that I still have VERY far to go, and that this is only the top of the first flight of stairs. Amidst all the celebration, no one failed to remind me of that. And I’m glad that they did bring this up again and again while congratulating me. Because, as well aware as I am of this fact, it is often easy to forget the impending journey while you are basking in your own glory for a prolonged period of time :P

Educational matters have suddenly become SO demanding that I have grown a little tired of it already. Continuous pressure, pissed-off teachers, failed deadlines and anxious parents are already revolving around me, and it’s only the beginning of the term! :O -_-

All of this has now been topped with increased expectations, but I believe that is a blessing. Time, however, is VERY limited now and I’m already procrastinating more than ever before. Seriously, this blog post itself is a result of my procrastination in studying! :P
I must really pull myself out of this. But not today. Tomorrow maybe? :)