Company

This is the most fun I've had in days. It feels good to be with all these people. :)

Heroes

It's hard to see your heroes fall. Yes, it is. It's like having to take that poster off, the one you've been looking up to for too long. Or like folding it's edges, or just shifting it to the back wall. Whichever way it's done, it's always hard.

Is There Ever Really A Right Time?

I guess I'm going to have to do this on my own. You're not here and, believe me, it has been anything but easy. The afternoons are the emptiest of all. How long has it been anyway? What's the point of keeping count when there's nothing to wait for?

I don't know how it is that you do what you did, but, well, you set the benchmark a bit too high. And then I ended up on my own when you left. I need your guidance, your presence, just like several others need you out here. I don't know if I'm weak or stubborn or simply spoiled; all I know is that it's either you or none. And that is that. It's just me.

~ I'm Shining Like Fireworks Over Your Sad, Empty Town.

"Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone tonight,
Well, I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why..." (8)

Yes, I know I have outgrown Taylor Swift, but, at times, she is still perfect to listen to.

Anyways, here's to growing up and not being under fifteen anymore.

Polarity

I had this post in mind once before, but, back then I was in too good a mood to write it down. Now, here I go.
Years ago, I had once told a friend that things are always in the extremes. You need to make a choice between two options. Each has its flaws; you just need to select the one that has less. It gets hard at times, carrying around this mental weighing balance all the time.
Once again, I am reminded that it is, in fact, very true. You can have this or that. Black or white. Heatwaves or blizzards. Why is there no intermediate? I KNOW that nothing, nobody, will be a perfect balance. Everything and everyone WILL tend to lean more towards one side than the other. But why must things be so much in the extreme? Too much this or too much that? Why is there nothing in the middle? And, if there IS, then why can I not see it?

2013 in the rear-view.

So, 2013 is over. And I thought I should reflect a bit. This blog is something that's going to stay, and it'll probably be nice to look at years from now. I don't know if it was the best YEAR overall or anything, but the best thing that has ever happened to me has definitely happened in 2013.

Well, the year began weirdly. The first event of 2013 for me was a trip to Movenpick with one of my best friends. It had been pending and long-awaited for. Things were starting to look up, but there will always be some things that I'll probably never really say even when they're on my mind, bothering me. But, let's just put all that aside. After the first day, I began to look forward to the rest of 2013. There were some changes to be made, some traditions to let go of. And I did so. I'm not going to say it was a piece of cake, 'cause I hate changes, but what I was trying to prevent was a bigger, devastating change. And you just need to move on with life, I guess. I'm thankful to all the people who have been so nice to me, so supportive, all throughout.

The days were going well, until one fine afternoon, Preacherman said he'd be leaving. I don't have the words to put that day into description. I don't even have words for the days that followed, when we made all our efforts into organizing a memorable farewell for him. Maybe that's when it really began. During those days, I found myself in the company of one particular friend, again and again. And it was never enough. It's not like I wasn't aware of this before, but I stopped fighting it completely and just made the best of it.

Preacherman left. All we had was each other, the Preacherwave family. And we made it through, most of the time.

March had a lot in store. Exams were near. We were trying to fill the void left by the absence of Preacherwave sessions. And I constantly kept spending time with that one friend, who made my world go around. It had to happen at SOME point, didn't it? US, I mean. 29th March changed my life, gave a whole new meaning to Infinite. Thank you.

Then came the exams. We were as screwed up as ever. I never even got to the question papers. The exams passed. Vacation began. Couldn't have been any better. Preacherman was here to visit. Sure he was all thin and looked really weird now ( =P ), but he was still the inspiration he had always been. Two months of Preacherwave made me even closer to this unbelievable teacher. And it was harder to watch him leave, again.

Things changed. People grew apart. At first it probably just started with physical distance. But sometimes that gets in the way, brings mental changes. People were busy with their own lives, their different priorities. But I guess somewhere inside, everyone's still there. I don't know, really.

The results brought disaster upon us all. Unexpected for the most part. Things changed further, but this time it was hardly our choice. 

Twelfth grade is supposed to be the year that you spend with everyone because you're all going to be scattered the next year. But we were already pretty scattered, without much warning. We got used to it eventually, I guess.

Sometimes you feel like you know a person for years, because you literally HAVE known her for years, but then suddenly it seems like you had gotten her all wrong. And not in a good way. I don't know. I don't want to judge. I just hope that the people I care about can figure out who they truly are and what they want in life. It sucks to see them lost like this. Yes, I'd like to use the term "lost", 'cause I don't want to think that this IS their place.

I had great moments this year. My family has been beyond wonderful. About the result disaster, about everything else. They have been endlessly supportive. Recently my dad was diagnosed with a block in his artery and needed to get a stenting done. It was a horrible time. Somehow it made realize all over again how my family defines me in so many ways and just how important it is. My dad's doing better now. I just hope everything remains okay.

I don't know if anything can be better than being in love with your best friend (and not being unrequited =P ). My year has been made amazing by this best friend, the best thing that has ever happened to me. And it has been nine Infinite months. =)

Yesterday, on the 31st, as per tradition, I called up the friend with whom I make resolutions each year (knowing that it'll all be in vain :P ). And though time has created a gap between us, it felt great to be able to speak to her in the exact same way as I used to. I guess that's the thing with such old friends. You can put aside the interval and just talk.

My 31st evening was nothing extravagant. But I spent it with the person I most wanted to be with. A long, aimless winter walk with him was enough to give me a great ending to 2013.

I hope 2014 treats everyone very well. God bless us all. =)

=)

I had a particular thought in mind, but right now I'm too happy, hopeful and thankful to write that kind of a post. Maybe some other time. Or better yet, NOT. =D

~But They're Back Again, Just Like A Long-Lost Friend, All The Songs I Loved So Well.

On the days when I would be really early, I could get the same glimpse of this empty space. But the room seems smaller now, which is weird 'cause God knows I haven't grown an inch taller than I was back then. -_- The arrangement is still the same, but the podium is on the side of the window now, instead of being near the entrance. The view outside the front window is completely different, though. No open yard for a bit of farming. No old man sleeping on a wooden plank. I remember one of my friends wondering how good-looking that man must have been in his youth. Haha! Crazy days. :'D
The window at the back holds the same view. Tin roof. Climber plants. Clothes laid out to try.
But I think there are six chairs in the last row now. There used to be seven. And, my God, we needed every single one of them.
The most amazing part? Still no curtains on the window. The same scorching sun on the chairs. Wow. Just, wow. =P
I will miss this whole place, I tell you.

All The Same

I wrote a hundred lines; no more, no less. And I still remember precisely what you said after I had finally gathered the courage to bring it in front of you. But I'm thinking, it wasn't your fault or anything. Maybe quite a few things weren't your fault. Maybe, over the years, I've blamed you for some things that I shouldn't have held against you.
Because, if all of that was your fault, then I'd have to say that, in the end, in one way or another, everyone's the fuckin' same. But I really don't believe that. I don't want to. The only other conclusion is that there's something about ME. Something that pulls all these towards me over and over again. Maybe I'M inviting it unknowingly. Maybe it's something I can't ever get rid of, and hence, the repeats, the deja vu.
Well, if that's the case, I might as well start learning to live with it, right? I love doing what I love doing. I'm not going to change that. The one thing I can change is how much I share.
So, there you go. Here's to your newly-discovered partial innocence. I still don't like you, though.

Hey There Delilah

That short car ride still comes to mind now and then, sometimes more frequently than other times. Now would be such a phase. Maybe that's why I haven't been very regular in returning their calls, haven't been getting enthusiastic with them. I guess a bit of me does not want to take any part in it.

I remember two of my friends sitting with me in the car. One of them offered me his phone, saying that I could listen to music on it if I was too bored. I felt guilty for being a buzzkill. I WAS trying not to let it show, but I guess I was doing a pretty lousy job at that. After a while, none of us was speaking. One of my friends was flipping through the radio channels, the other one had his earphones plugged in, and I was just.. sitting. From time to time, a few words were exchanged, about sports, traffic, school. I felt responsible for the dull mood, but I was saving up my strength for faking cheerfulness later on.
While my friend in the front seat flipped around, "Hey There Delilah" came up on the radio. I rolled my eyes, this was surely God's way of trolling with me. I wondered how to interpret it, but I'm not superstitious or anything. The irony, however, was incredible. I checked my phone, I was almost completely out of credit. I sent the last possible text to the only significant person who didn't hate me at the moment, just to say what song had coincidentally come up on the radio.
.....................................................................

I excused myself, got up from my seat. She was enjoying her day, I guess. She looked at me, and asked in the most joking tone whether I was about to go and cry. I laughed at the absurdity of her funny question, though that was exactly what I had wanted to do. Then I sat back down, because I didn't want her to be right.

~ I've Got This Friend , I Don't Think You Know Him...

He's nineteen, capable of acting both three and thirty-five. He's shy, introverted, but that's only till you really get to know him. Amazing friend. THE VERY BEST. He'll ALWAYS be there to help you, but will SUPPORT you only when you're RIGHT. He's great in difficult situations, both his own and in that of others'. He is modest, often TOO modest, but you can tell that it's genuine and NOT an over-act. He's hilarious, always making me laugh till my tummy hurts, literally. He's sweet, passionate. Sometimes he has trouble expressing his feelings/thoughts, both in quality and quantity, perhaps because he's hardly very vocal. But when he tries, he can be the most convincing. And I feel special beyond words when I see him going out of his way, trying for ME. He makes me feel like I matter. He makes me feel things I've never felt before. Oh, and he's a great liar, but he'd never take UNFAIR advantage of it. And I'd trust his principles with me LIFE any day. He's one of a kind. Truly unique. Loyal. His wisdom denies the number of his years, as does his priceless childish madness. He is cute, lovable, caring. Amazing beyond words or any form of description. He showed me that love can be fun, exciting and meaningful, all at the same time. Doesn't just have to be one or the other. He taught me that it's REAL. He's a great boyfriend, not in the conventional way. He's the best guy, yes. But most girls would be unable to figure out the unusual boyfriend side of him. But, honestly, it's my favorite part of our relationship. He CAN be very cheesy, much to my surprise. And, well, I have an issue with cheesiness. But THIS, however, is a whole different thing. That's because I KNOW he MEANS everything. All of it has depth. And that really matters; it's beautiful. He's extra-ordinary, a superhuman. But he doesn't know that. I wish he did. Well, I am the luckiest. I don't know what I'd do without him. This isn't just the cliche sentence. It's LITERAL. And, well, it's still weird referring to him as my BOYFRIEND. :P And I LOVE that.
He takes the word "Infinite" to a whole new Infinity. And, I love him. Infinitely. :)

And Afterall (8) ... No, it's just the wordplay. :P

You totally did it. You made me go from that crappy pissed-off mood to a perfectly good mood. The only difference is that, this time, you did it without trying at all, let alone tying THAT hard. :P It was actually even more effective, though completely effortless. :O
This is so much better, no? :D
Circumstances change, yes. Minds change, certainly. And so do a lot of other things. But none of that changes the fact that you have a way with words, even when you aren't speaking to me, or to anyone at all in particular. Well, you aren't as skilled as I am (me being the ESPECIAL one and the master of wordplay xP), but you ARE pretty good. And, no, I shall not compare marks or grades with you. -_-

Oh, and, thank you, yeah? =)

~ I've Seen It All And It's Never Enough, It Keeps Leaving Me Needing You.

This time, all I want is you,
There is no one else who can take your place -

This time, you burned me with the way

You see past all the lies,

You take it all away. (8)

^ True story.
And I'm as certain as I can ever be.

~ And That's Why Every Time I Roll The Dice I Always Come Undone.

You gather up your courage and take a shot, but then you're the one who's shot down. Are you supposed to shut yourself up? Or keep repeating what just happened? Is it ever going to be any different? Probably. Someday. Better believe someday's worth it.

~ Stop Whispering, Start Shouting?

No, I need to stop thinking out loud.