Resistance

You know, at times you just want to do something. Some random thing. And you feel all unsettled till it's done. You want to do it just because of the circumstance that presents itself in front of you right at that instant. That's what it is, really. A spur of the moment. And you know, in that instant, it is THE thing to do. But then, fortunately or unfortunately, your rational side dominates and you think of the consequences that will result later on from the action. You then consider what they'll say, do, and worst of all, think. And then it's gone, the moment. You wonder if it will EVER recur in exactly the same manner and whether you'll then have the chance to fulfill the sudden whim you just experienced. Will it be okay to go along with your impulse the next time? Or will it just be the same? And if the old rational realization strikes you once more, will you resist and back off from your instincts again? Or will you want to make a difference and not think collectively, but ONLY for yourself, once in a lifetime? If you do, will it really be worth the consequences?

Autumn

I have always loved the fact that my birthday is in autumn. Autumn has this amazing feeling of a junction, where you switch from the summer's warmth and prepare yourself for the beautiful winter. It's a buffer, somewhere in the middle, a very comfortable zone. And the weather is lovely too, most of the time :)

As tranquil as autumn is, I always seem to get all nervous and fidgety as my birthday approaches. This has not been so since forever, but maybe for a while. It's just that my birthday comes once in a year, well, obviously. And although it is just another day, it IS my birthday. And that's supposed to mean something to me. While my birthday draws nearer now, as thrilled as I am, I have this sense of edginess, because, what if this ONE day of the year turns out to be no special than the rest? Sure, I'd still appreciate life and all, but even then, shouldn't this day stand out, just by a bit? I have had good birthdays, and for that I am grateful. I have also had a horrible one that I wish to forget. But the majority was good, and hence, I feel blessed :)

So, as I anxiously wait for the 12th of October, I pray that it goes well. If not special, I hope that it's at least like any other good day and that nothing goes wrong. That'll be enough for me, really. And I hope that I'm ready to be seventeen by then, 'cause right now, it feels quite far away.

Ambiguity

If I were to talk to an old friend right now, with whom I have not talked in a while, and the friend should ask me what has been up with me, I would simply answer with a nonchalant “Nothing much” and talk about ‘A’ Levels for a bit. But the truth is, a lot is actually up. Cascades of incidents are happening, and very fast, too. The problem, however, is that I cannot name the things that are occurring ; I just cannot put a finger on the precise words. Nor can I describe accurately what is currently going on with me, and maybe that’s because too much is being kept in the dark while a bunch of other things are being brought forth, all too quickly. And I hardly know which is which, or, what goes where.

Perhaps this is one of those times when I can say that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

Rise and Fall and Rise, and Then?

It’s been over a month since my last blog post. And, as weird as it was to abandon it at ‘Panic!’, I just did not feel like blogging until right now. Maybe my sudden desire to blog again is due to the fact that I realize that I have SO much to study right now, and I’d rather do something else, ANYTHING else, instead.

As for the panic, it ended well. Achieving an ‘O’ Levels result of seven A*s and one ‘A’ was something that I could only dream of ever since my cousin’s results came out last year. Managing to secure the exact same grades in reality was nothing but a dream that came true last month, and I could not have asked for more. The one 'A' grade is quite an achievement, since it was gifted to me by the subject Further Pure Mathematics, which had been my phobia. So that is enough for me. And I’m just happy that I could manage to keep an A* in English. It is, after all, the most disaster-prone subject and also my pride :) So yeah.

I, myself, was freaked out by the way I literally SOBBED when I FINALLY saw my grades online at 6 a.m. on the 23^rd of August. It wasn’t happiness, well maybe only partially, but mostly it was tremendous relief.  And the instant my mom joined in with me, I knew that I needed nothing more. Not at that moment, at least. This was followed by a wonderful visit from my beloved grandmother and aunt at 6:30 a.m., congratulatory phone-calls, gift money (:P), various other presents, celebratory outings and dinners, etc.

And I could not be more grateful to the Almighty for letting me live up to the expectations of SO many people who happen to be SO concerned about me. But, above all, my parents, God knows how much I disappointed them repeatedly at one point in time. Not just disappointed, they were hurt by what I’d do and how I’d be most of the time. They would lose hope again and again, thinking I was a lost case, but refusing to believe so. And a lost case was exactly what I had appeared to be at that point. This is something I never discussed too openly with anyone. Only strong beings like parents would have the strength to reconstruct dreams that had been so dreadfully shattered, and that’s what mine did, time and time again. I can only imagine how much my rapid academic deterioration in the 8^th and 9^th grade affected them, when they were so used to seeing me excel at academics all throughout my school life. What good would admirable elementary school results do me if I would be declining in high school, a pivotal point of my life? ‘Cause all is well that ends well.And I’m happy that I could give this to my parents in my final chance.

I know that I still have VERY far to go, and that this is only the top of the first flight of stairs. Amidst all the celebration, no one failed to remind me of that. And I’m glad that they did bring this up again and again while congratulating me. Because, as well aware as I am of this fact, it is often easy to forget the impending journey while you are basking in your own glory for a prolonged period of time :P

Educational matters have suddenly become SO demanding that I have grown a little tired of it already. Continuous pressure, pissed-off teachers, failed deadlines and anxious parents are already revolving around me, and it’s only the beginning of the term! :O -_-

All of this has now been topped with increased expectations, but I believe that is a blessing. Time, however, is VERY limited now and I’m already procrastinating more than ever before. Seriously, this blog post itself is a result of my procrastination in studying! :P
I must really pull myself out of this. But not today. Tomorrow maybe? :) 

Panic!

Results! 'O' Levels results! At midnight! I'm freaking out! Help? Please?  :|

Live and Let Live =)

Have you ever made someone's day and known it? The awesome feeling of contribution to someone's happiness, however momentary, is one to cherish.
It doesn't matter whether the person is someone dear to you or a complete stranger, just that moment of fulfillment is enough to give you the sense of achievement that you need.
If you have ever felt like that, then you have truly lived.

Definitions

You know how you read a book, really love it and then relate to it all the time? Well, that's what keeps happening to me ever since I finished reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. I read it a while ago and did not begin a new book even when I could manage the time, because I felt that I was not yet done appreciating the one I last read.

This book has altered my perspectives towards certain issues and enhanced my perspectives of other ones. I often find myself defining different words, situations and stories in terms of the wonders mentioned in this masterpiece.

For example, the definition of the name Sam, in my mindset, is - An unconventionally beautiful, amazing senior who happens to be in love with the wrong person.

Patrick - No, this doesn't make me think of an awesome, homosexual person. The definition of this name is always - A pink starfish! xD
So this is an exception, but Spongebob Squarepants is always awesome! =D

Bill - An intellectual, caring person who loves to teach.

Charlie - A boy who thinks about the tiniest of details, takes a while to fit in, has the kindest heart and suffers socially until he finds his perfect place.

Infinite - The way you feel when you ride a pickup truck in a tunnel, just before you see the lights at the other end  =')

French fries - A day with mom at Mac Donald's  xD

Photographs - Something with which you capture the beauty of a person. No matter who the person is, there is always something beautiful you can find and appreciate.

At the Center of the Crossroads . . .

At times, you just don't know what's true and what's not. There are things that could be either, 'cause nobody said it was true, nor did anyone say it was not. So you just assume. But what DO you assume?

One of my closest friends, and definitely my wisest one, tells me all the time that we, human beings, always tend to assume the worst. In that way, we're prepared for the greatest blow. Anything better than the worst is just a bonus and that makes us happy. 

I have always agreed and believed in his theory, and I still do. But what happens when you don't know what  would be the worst? What if you aren't sure whether it would be worse if the answer to your unspoken question was a positive or a negative? What if you drew up a mental flowchart and then it just got stuck at one point and stopped flowing any further? What if there was a dead end? Which branch, which tributary, which path of the crossroad would you take then? What would you have assumed when you hadn't known what could be the worst?

Awesomeness

Vacation? So far so good :D
December? Not exactly repeating yet :D
Life? Awesome :D

Back to December? -_-

Shit happens. I've heard this way too many times. I've known this way too well. So, yeah. I don't see why there's any need to panic or become emo. I'm not exactly emo though. I'm not panic-stricken either. I don't even know the word for it. Maybe I'm just tired. And scared? No, not really. Or maybe, yes, up to an extent.

Whatever. Shit happens. But, really, what the hell? Back to December? No, thank you, I'll pass. Oh, wait. Fate doesn't really care about my opinion. It just went ahead and played its cards. AS USUAL -__-

Recurring Shit?

Great. Just what I was afraid of. Precisely what I didn't need. There goes my vacation!
-__-
Life may be beautiful. Actually, I'm sure it is. But, at the moment, NO.

In The Zone

Two-thirteenth done! Eleven more exams to go. I've got exams everyday of this week, and two on Friday! But I'm in the zone now, it's not so bad :D

And, then, it's here...

Maths exam in just a few hours!
Suffering from nausea.
Oh my God! Now I'm officially panicked!

Perfect Pampering

One good thing that has come out of the upcoming exams is that,all those around me are treating me like I'm royal (my brother would be an obvious exception, naturally).
For the past few days, my parents have been allowing me to wake up at around 10:00 in the morning because they know I'm not really a morning person. Once I retire to my room after breakfast, my dad asks me if he could get me tea or any other beverage. I politely decline because I like to make my own tea when I want it. Yesterday, I was hungry at around 9:00 pm, but not hungry enough for dinner. I casually mentioned this in front of my dad, and he hurried down to the nearest CP outlet to get me something to eat, despite my million protests. And then they're constantly trying to make sure I'm as comfortable as possible. It's really nice, you know. I mean, I've always known how my parents care for me unconditionally and I don't want them to worry too much, but they're really trying to keep me calm and relaxed. It's just so thoughtful, I can't help but appreciate it. These things are often taken for granted. And this treatment is not just coming from my parents, but also extended family members, specially my amazing grandmothers and my aunt. They keep asking me whether I need any stationery or other stuff, what I wish to eat, what they can cook for me, whether I want to go anywhere, etc.
As for my parents, they are now more concerned about keeping me in good spirits. They're giving me my space. They let me watch all my favorite TV programs, they allow me sufficient social time for Facebook and communicating with friends, they let me throw the house into chaos with loud music, and my family even goes on long drives about twice a week just like we always used to before the exams knocked on the door.
When I legally have time for all these, I don't really find it necessary to take time out of my studying hours to engage in such leisure activities. So, even if I do spend a smaller amount of time with my textbooks, I pay undivided attention to the revision during that time. And above all, I'm in a constant good mood, and that always helps!

Last Minutes

I got my statement of entry yesterday. It's this weird greenish paper and I'm supposed to treasure it till the exams are over. I also got all the timetables and the list of examination centers and some other shit.

Okay, I have like.. a week.

I just want to get this over with.

So, the last few days I had been feeling a little down, and surprisingly my irksome younger brother noticed it. He came up to me, being all annoying and saying stuff like "Awwh, my poor little sister's feeling all upset?" 

And then he starts singing the song "She Will Be Loved" to me. That was totally sweet of him.. Except, there's this part in the song that goes "Look for the girl with the broken smile".. He transformed that into "Look for the freak with the creepy eyes".

Yeah, I just feel SO loved. And he's the sweetest little thing that has ever walked on this earth.