Bleh.

So, it's just another winter vacation. I'm done with my midterms. The exams didn't go anything near as good as they should have. But, with little preparation and much procrastination, how much can one ask for in the first place?
Whatever. That's not even important. At least not until the moment when a parent goes to collect the results.
I don't have any plans yet, except for the lazy indoor ones. But then, again, all the fun that ever happens around me are the most random stuff. So, with hopes of an enjoyable vacation, I am just going to be lazy and cherish freedom for the moment.

Also, a side note: This blog post is a retarded one where I just write stuff 'cause it's been a while since I did that here.
Life's just uneventful and all.
Yeah, right! I wish! :P

October, 2012.

So, the month of October is finally coming to an end. I thought that I'd blog about the whole month at the very end of it, but then there were a few things that I just HAD to note down from time to time before forgetting.

The thing is, I always wait for October because it's my birthday month and the weather's really pretty. Truth be told, this was my best October and I thank the Almighty for it. My seventeenth birthday was undoubtedly one of the few best days of my seventeen years of life, if not the VERY best. The effort that was put into it by my dearest and not-so-dearest friends was unimaginable. I was given the most amazing surprise party, the most heartfelt wishes, the most creative presents.
When your friends work hard to give a tune to a special poem that you once wrote, and it gets turned into a beautiful song, you can't help but get teary-eyed at the thoughtfulness of it all.
And then I received the best birthday present I have ever had, 'cause God knows how much I really wished I had it - the hard copy of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".
The best part? The cover's blue in color, with yellow writing, and has Emma Watson on it! <3 EEEEEEEEEE! :D
Truly blessed I am.

So, birthdays are supposed to make you feel special, and luckily, the entire month has treated me that way. Parts of it were philosophical and practical, of course. Though I was reminded all over again, during discussions and notes, that things will one day change and friends will drift apart, both physically and mentally - I was also left with the belief that this doesn't have to happen today. And until the day arrives, we can keep on trying. I had pondered upon the idea of Nothing Lasts Forever, but then again, had I really found anything worth making an exception for? And now I look at my friends, and I just know that they are worth every fight.

"I know that one day we will be in different parts of the world, you doing whatever it is that successful genetic engineers do and, I, perhaps wiping the floors of NASA. And we'll be married to people we won't even know before a few years from now. Even then, I hope that you will call me up sometimes, just to complain about PMS or tell me that you're on your period."
^ When your best friend tells you that, how can you not have hopes of Forever?

Also, while Autumn leaves and makes way for yet another winter, I realize that it's okay to take chances, to stop thinking collectively for a moment and to live certain parts of your life without the walls.

More Than Mere Metathesiophobia?

I tell myself that this sudden sadness is just due to the fact that I hate changes, whatever it is. And, against all odds, I sincerely HOPE that I am right.

When you're stuck in the moment while the world moves too fast ~ There's no word for it.

Every once in a blue moon, I get to think over this beautiful blessing known as life and can't find a word to describe what I feel about it. But if I describe the situation and surroundings, maybe you'll understand and view life in the way I saw it during those moments.

It's when you're sitting on a park bench late in the half-wintry evening, gazing up through the gaps in the foliage, and seeing the moon, while your friend sits next to you, drinking Coca Cola. This friend is a person with whom you're always very crazy and animated. But not on this evening.

Eventually, she follows your gaze up towards the moon, and you two just sit there n silence, for several moments. Until...

"I want to cry," you state. 

And she says, "Me too."

But it's not weird to either of you. And so you cry. Then she offers you coke, because if she drinks too much of it, she'll need to pee. And you can't drink because you're laughing too hard. And you're crying too. And spitting out coke into the dark evening surroundings. Then your friend tries to help you out, but you cannot believe the situation. You end up grabbing her hand and making her feel the tears escaping down your cheeks, just because you find them so impossible and want a witness. She says she'd have stored those special tears but they've already evaporated. And you tell her to shut up because science cannot begin to explain the moment in which you two found yourselves suddenly. She obeys. It's silent again.

It's the moment when you're listening to "The Only Exception" playing on your phone, and you're wondering who it is. Or who it will be. 

Then you discuss with your friend about the generations before you and wonder what life has done to them to make them who they are today. You tell your friend about how this mutual best friend of your parents recently came over to visit a few days in a row, and at one point, your parents found it odd. And you thought that there must have been a time, decades ago, when these three friends would die to see one another every single day. Then you wonder what life will one day do to you.

Eventually, you end up leaving the park and settling down in an empty balcony attached to a crowded classroom. The air conditioner drips on you and the mosquitoes buzz their somnolent drones all around, but you can still see a part of the sky, and in that moment, that is all you really need. 

You end up listing some of the silly little things you want to do before you die. 

You want to ride on the back of a pick-up truck, feeling free.

You want to gatecrash some strangers' wedding and hug the bride before you leave.

You want to sneak up on a random busy pedestrian from behind, clap your hands over his/her eyes, and ask "Guess who?"

You want to instantly kiss an unknown guy (preferably unmarried :P ) just because he said something supportive about feminism.

You want to sway to a musical moment with someone on the roof of a high-rise building.

You want to lie flat on your back on a rooftop and spend an entire night looking up at the sky.

The wishes are endless.

Then you talk to your friend about all the people around you, all those who matter and all those who never will. Your friend helps you make a list of all those who have already had their reality-checks and all the ones who need one badly. You talk about another friend and the relationship she is in. You wonder who she'll become when she marries the guy. Or who she'll become if she never gets to marry him. And you talk about another friend who'll probably end up having an arranged marriage because no girl will ever be able to cope up with the way his mind works. And then you both laugh and promise to be present on all your friends' weddings, including each other's.
After that, you shift your thoughts in the direction of your siblings. You two wonder what your respective oh-so-annoying little brothers will turn out to be in the future. You try to picture what your brother's face will look like when he goes out with the first girl he falls in love with and what it will look like if he never gets to go out with her. And you wonder who these kids will become once life has happened to them.
Next, your friend helps you figure things out. You realize that some people will appreciate you because they love you, instead of loving you because they appreciate you. You realize that some people will love you so much that they will never even want to be with you. You realize that some people who once loved you will end up being only a memory to be recollected while you're having an ice-cream. You realize that some people, despite having a disliking towards you, will accept you publicly, just because you seem to be loved by others. And you realize that you don't really want any of that. What you actually want is what you really need. And what you need takes time. And that's okay. That was always okay.
With the world changing at a breakneck speed , and being taken over by overrated modernization, you realize that sometimes all you need is an old-fashioned Christopher Columbus who will help you discover yourself using the most genuine, natural methods. And that's when you gaze up one more time and thank the Almighty for such an evening with such a friend.

Phases

At times, it seems that certain people are not there for you. Like, they abandoned you for no good reason. And you miss them and start getting scared because you think that everything has changed permanently.
But then, one day, when you're in a horrible state, they are suddenly there again. They help you out in the most subtle way, giving you moral support, defending you in front of others and making you laugh about the very things that may have been bothering you. And they ask you to be emo just because they miss taking care of you. Now, that is special. And such people are special. It just feels good to know that, for once, nothing at all has changed, and the dear ones never really left. People go through phases, and that's okay. 'Cause in the end, what matters is that they are there for you when you need them the most. What more could one ask for? :)

Resistance

You know, at times you just want to do something. Some random thing. And you feel all unsettled till it's done. You want to do it just because of the circumstance that presents itself in front of you right at that instant. That's what it is, really. A spur of the moment. And you know, in that instant, it is THE thing to do. But then, fortunately or unfortunately, your rational side dominates and you think of the consequences that will result later on from the action. You then consider what they'll say, do, and worst of all, think. And then it's gone, the moment. You wonder if it will EVER recur in exactly the same manner and whether you'll then have the chance to fulfill the sudden whim you just experienced. Will it be okay to go along with your impulse the next time? Or will it just be the same? And if the old rational realization strikes you once more, will you resist and back off from your instincts again? Or will you want to make a difference and not think collectively, but ONLY for yourself, once in a lifetime? If you do, will it really be worth the consequences?

Autumn

I have always loved the fact that my birthday is in autumn. Autumn has this amazing feeling of a junction, where you switch from the summer's warmth and prepare yourself for the beautiful winter. It's a buffer, somewhere in the middle, a very comfortable zone. And the weather is lovely too, most of the time :)

As tranquil as autumn is, I always seem to get all nervous and fidgety as my birthday approaches. This has not been so since forever, but maybe for a while. It's just that my birthday comes once in a year, well, obviously. And although it is just another day, it IS my birthday. And that's supposed to mean something to me. While my birthday draws nearer now, as thrilled as I am, I have this sense of edginess, because, what if this ONE day of the year turns out to be no special than the rest? Sure, I'd still appreciate life and all, but even then, shouldn't this day stand out, just by a bit? I have had good birthdays, and for that I am grateful. I have also had a horrible one that I wish to forget. But the majority was good, and hence, I feel blessed :)

So, as I anxiously wait for the 12th of October, I pray that it goes well. If not special, I hope that it's at least like any other good day and that nothing goes wrong. That'll be enough for me, really. And I hope that I'm ready to be seventeen by then, 'cause right now, it feels quite far away.

Ambiguity

If I were to talk to an old friend right now, with whom I have not talked in a while, and the friend should ask me what has been up with me, I would simply answer with a nonchalant “Nothing much” and talk about ‘A’ Levels for a bit. But the truth is, a lot is actually up. Cascades of incidents are happening, and very fast, too. The problem, however, is that I cannot name the things that are occurring ; I just cannot put a finger on the precise words. Nor can I describe accurately what is currently going on with me, and maybe that’s because too much is being kept in the dark while a bunch of other things are being brought forth, all too quickly. And I hardly know which is which, or, what goes where.

Perhaps this is one of those times when I can say that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

Rise and Fall and Rise, and Then?

It’s been over a month since my last blog post. And, as weird as it was to abandon it at ‘Panic!’, I just did not feel like blogging until right now. Maybe my sudden desire to blog again is due to the fact that I realize that I have SO much to study right now, and I’d rather do something else, ANYTHING else, instead.

As for the panic, it ended well. Achieving an ‘O’ Levels result of seven A*s and one ‘A’ was something that I could only dream of ever since my cousin’s results came out last year. Managing to secure the exact same grades in reality was nothing but a dream that came true last month, and I could not have asked for more. The one 'A' grade is quite an achievement, since it was gifted to me by the subject Further Pure Mathematics, which had been my phobia. So that is enough for me. And I’m just happy that I could manage to keep an A* in English. It is, after all, the most disaster-prone subject and also my pride :) So yeah.

I, myself, was freaked out by the way I literally SOBBED when I FINALLY saw my grades online at 6 a.m. on the 23^rd of August. It wasn’t happiness, well maybe only partially, but mostly it was tremendous relief.  And the instant my mom joined in with me, I knew that I needed nothing more. Not at that moment, at least. This was followed by a wonderful visit from my beloved grandmother and aunt at 6:30 a.m., congratulatory phone-calls, gift money (:P), various other presents, celebratory outings and dinners, etc.

And I could not be more grateful to the Almighty for letting me live up to the expectations of SO many people who happen to be SO concerned about me. But, above all, my parents, God knows how much I disappointed them repeatedly at one point in time. Not just disappointed, they were hurt by what I’d do and how I’d be most of the time. They would lose hope again and again, thinking I was a lost case, but refusing to believe so. And a lost case was exactly what I had appeared to be at that point. This is something I never discussed too openly with anyone. Only strong beings like parents would have the strength to reconstruct dreams that had been so dreadfully shattered, and that’s what mine did, time and time again. I can only imagine how much my rapid academic deterioration in the 8^th and 9^th grade affected them, when they were so used to seeing me excel at academics all throughout my school life. What good would admirable elementary school results do me if I would be declining in high school, a pivotal point of my life? ‘Cause all is well that ends well.And I’m happy that I could give this to my parents in my final chance.

I know that I still have VERY far to go, and that this is only the top of the first flight of stairs. Amidst all the celebration, no one failed to remind me of that. And I’m glad that they did bring this up again and again while congratulating me. Because, as well aware as I am of this fact, it is often easy to forget the impending journey while you are basking in your own glory for a prolonged period of time :P

Educational matters have suddenly become SO demanding that I have grown a little tired of it already. Continuous pressure, pissed-off teachers, failed deadlines and anxious parents are already revolving around me, and it’s only the beginning of the term! :O -_-

All of this has now been topped with increased expectations, but I believe that is a blessing. Time, however, is VERY limited now and I’m already procrastinating more than ever before. Seriously, this blog post itself is a result of my procrastination in studying! :P
I must really pull myself out of this. But not today. Tomorrow maybe? :) 

Panic!

Results! 'O' Levels results! At midnight! I'm freaking out! Help? Please?  :|

Live and Let Live =)

Have you ever made someone's day and known it? The awesome feeling of contribution to someone's happiness, however momentary, is one to cherish.
It doesn't matter whether the person is someone dear to you or a complete stranger, just that moment of fulfillment is enough to give you the sense of achievement that you need.
If you have ever felt like that, then you have truly lived.

Definitions

You know how you read a book, really love it and then relate to it all the time? Well, that's what keeps happening to me ever since I finished reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. I read it a while ago and did not begin a new book even when I could manage the time, because I felt that I was not yet done appreciating the one I last read.

This book has altered my perspectives towards certain issues and enhanced my perspectives of other ones. I often find myself defining different words, situations and stories in terms of the wonders mentioned in this masterpiece.

For example, the definition of the name Sam, in my mindset, is - An unconventionally beautiful, amazing senior who happens to be in love with the wrong person.

Patrick - No, this doesn't make me think of an awesome, homosexual person. The definition of this name is always - A pink starfish! xD
So this is an exception, but Spongebob Squarepants is always awesome! =D

Bill - An intellectual, caring person who loves to teach.

Charlie - A boy who thinks about the tiniest of details, takes a while to fit in, has the kindest heart and suffers socially until he finds his perfect place.

Infinite - The way you feel when you ride a pickup truck in a tunnel, just before you see the lights at the other end  =')

French fries - A day with mom at Mac Donald's  xD

Photographs - Something with which you capture the beauty of a person. No matter who the person is, there is always something beautiful you can find and appreciate.

At the Center of the Crossroads . . .

At times, you just don't know what's true and what's not. There are things that could be either, 'cause nobody said it was true, nor did anyone say it was not. So you just assume. But what DO you assume?

One of my closest friends, and definitely my wisest one, tells me all the time that we, human beings, always tend to assume the worst. In that way, we're prepared for the greatest blow. Anything better than the worst is just a bonus and that makes us happy. 

I have always agreed and believed in his theory, and I still do. But what happens when you don't know what  would be the worst? What if you aren't sure whether it would be worse if the answer to your unspoken question was a positive or a negative? What if you drew up a mental flowchart and then it just got stuck at one point and stopped flowing any further? What if there was a dead end? Which branch, which tributary, which path of the crossroad would you take then? What would you have assumed when you hadn't known what could be the worst?

Awesomeness

Vacation? So far so good :D
December? Not exactly repeating yet :D
Life? Awesome :D

Back to December? -_-

Shit happens. I've heard this way too many times. I've known this way too well. So, yeah. I don't see why there's any need to panic or become emo. I'm not exactly emo though. I'm not panic-stricken either. I don't even know the word for it. Maybe I'm just tired. And scared? No, not really. Or maybe, yes, up to an extent.

Whatever. Shit happens. But, really, what the hell? Back to December? No, thank you, I'll pass. Oh, wait. Fate doesn't really care about my opinion. It just went ahead and played its cards. AS USUAL -__-