=)

I had a particular thought in mind, but right now I'm too happy, hopeful and thankful to write that kind of a post. Maybe some other time. Or better yet, NOT. =D

~But They're Back Again, Just Like A Long-Lost Friend, All The Songs I Loved So Well.

On the days when I would be really early, I could get the same glimpse of this empty space. But the room seems smaller now, which is weird 'cause God knows I haven't grown an inch taller than I was back then. -_- The arrangement is still the same, but the podium is on the side of the window now, instead of being near the entrance. The view outside the front window is completely different, though. No open yard for a bit of farming. No old man sleeping on a wooden plank. I remember one of my friends wondering how good-looking that man must have been in his youth. Haha! Crazy days. :'D
The window at the back holds the same view. Tin roof. Climber plants. Clothes laid out to try.
But I think there are six chairs in the last row now. There used to be seven. And, my God, we needed every single one of them.
The most amazing part? Still no curtains on the window. The same scorching sun on the chairs. Wow. Just, wow. =P
I will miss this whole place, I tell you.

All The Same

I wrote a hundred lines; no more, no less. And I still remember precisely what you said after I had finally gathered the courage to bring it in front of you. But I'm thinking, it wasn't your fault or anything. Maybe quite a few things weren't your fault. Maybe, over the years, I've blamed you for some things that I shouldn't have held against you.
Because, if all of that was your fault, then I'd have to say that, in the end, in one way or another, everyone's the fuckin' same. But I really don't believe that. I don't want to. The only other conclusion is that there's something about ME. Something that pulls all these towards me over and over again. Maybe I'M inviting it unknowingly. Maybe it's something I can't ever get rid of, and hence, the repeats, the deja vu.
Well, if that's the case, I might as well start learning to live with it, right? I love doing what I love doing. I'm not going to change that. The one thing I can change is how much I share.
So, there you go. Here's to your newly-discovered partial innocence. I still don't like you, though.

Hey There Delilah

That short car ride still comes to mind now and then, sometimes more frequently than other times. Now would be such a phase. Maybe that's why I haven't been very regular in returning their calls, haven't been getting enthusiastic with them. I guess a bit of me does not want to take any part in it.

I remember two of my friends sitting with me in the car. One of them offered me his phone, saying that I could listen to music on it if I was too bored. I felt guilty for being a buzzkill. I WAS trying not to let it show, but I guess I was doing a pretty lousy job at that. After a while, none of us was speaking. One of my friends was flipping through the radio channels, the other one had his earphones plugged in, and I was just.. sitting. From time to time, a few words were exchanged, about sports, traffic, school. I felt responsible for the dull mood, but I was saving up my strength for faking cheerfulness later on.
While my friend in the front seat flipped around, "Hey There Delilah" came up on the radio. I rolled my eyes, this was surely God's way of trolling with me. I wondered how to interpret it, but I'm not superstitious or anything. The irony, however, was incredible. I checked my phone, I was almost completely out of credit. I sent the last possible text to the only significant person who didn't hate me at the moment, just to say what song had coincidentally come up on the radio.
.....................................................................

I excused myself, got up from my seat. She was enjoying her day, I guess. She looked at me, and asked in the most joking tone whether I was about to go and cry. I laughed at the absurdity of her funny question, though that was exactly what I had wanted to do. Then I sat back down, because I didn't want her to be right.

~ I've Got This Friend , I Don't Think You Know Him...

He's nineteen, capable of acting both three and thirty-five. He's shy, introverted, but that's only till you really get to know him. Amazing friend. THE VERY BEST. He'll ALWAYS be there to help you, but will SUPPORT you only when you're RIGHT. He's great in difficult situations, both his own and in that of others'. He is modest, often TOO modest, but you can tell that it's genuine and NOT an over-act. He's hilarious, always making me laugh till my tummy hurts, literally. He's sweet, passionate. Sometimes he has trouble expressing his feelings/thoughts, both in quality and quantity, perhaps because he's hardly very vocal. But when he tries, he can be the most convincing. And I feel special beyond words when I see him going out of his way, trying for ME. He makes me feel like I matter. He makes me feel things I've never felt before. Oh, and he's a great liar, but he'd never take UNFAIR advantage of it. And I'd trust his principles with me LIFE any day. He's one of a kind. Truly unique. Loyal. His wisdom denies the number of his years, as does his priceless childish madness. He is cute, lovable, caring. Amazing beyond words or any form of description. He showed me that love can be fun, exciting and meaningful, all at the same time. Doesn't just have to be one or the other. He taught me that it's REAL. He's a great boyfriend, not in the conventional way. He's the best guy, yes. But most girls would be unable to figure out the unusual boyfriend side of him. But, honestly, it's my favorite part of our relationship. He CAN be very cheesy, much to my surprise. And, well, I have an issue with cheesiness. But THIS, however, is a whole different thing. That's because I KNOW he MEANS everything. All of it has depth. And that really matters; it's beautiful. He's extra-ordinary, a superhuman. But he doesn't know that. I wish he did. Well, I am the luckiest. I don't know what I'd do without him. This isn't just the cliche sentence. It's LITERAL. And, well, it's still weird referring to him as my BOYFRIEND. :P And I LOVE that.
He takes the word "Infinite" to a whole new Infinity. And, I love him. Infinitely. :)

And Afterall (8) ... No, it's just the wordplay. :P

You totally did it. You made me go from that crappy pissed-off mood to a perfectly good mood. The only difference is that, this time, you did it without trying at all, let alone tying THAT hard. :P It was actually even more effective, though completely effortless. :O
This is so much better, no? :D
Circumstances change, yes. Minds change, certainly. And so do a lot of other things. But none of that changes the fact that you have a way with words, even when you aren't speaking to me, or to anyone at all in particular. Well, you aren't as skilled as I am (me being the ESPECIAL one and the master of wordplay xP), but you ARE pretty good. And, no, I shall not compare marks or grades with you. -_-

Oh, and, thank you, yeah? =)

~ I've Seen It All And It's Never Enough, It Keeps Leaving Me Needing You.

This time, all I want is you,
There is no one else who can take your place -

This time, you burned me with the way

You see past all the lies,

You take it all away. (8)

^ True story.
And I'm as certain as I can ever be.

~ And That's Why Every Time I Roll The Dice I Always Come Undone.

You gather up your courage and take a shot, but then you're the one who's shot down. Are you supposed to shut yourself up? Or keep repeating what just happened? Is it ever going to be any different? Probably. Someday. Better believe someday's worth it.

~ Stop Whispering, Start Shouting?

No, I need to stop thinking out loud.

~ I've Got Some Imperfections, But How Can You Collect Them All And Throw Them In My Face?

I figured that the reason why I kept getting so afraid of you, haunted by you, is because, I believed you were right when you said all that you said about me.

But you were wrong.
You always have been wrong about those.

And, THAT, is what I believe.

Shattered glass is shattered glass, yes; but nobody is condemned for life.

Powerlessness.

Do you ever feel that, in order to make someone understand who you are or what you do, you need to give them the details of your story? But you think that they wouldn't want to know. And, well, you aren't exactly wild about saying all that either. Then how do you explain yourself? What metaphors, similes, idioms are powerful enough? None.

Music

"I'm willing to let you in if you promise not to let anyone else in on it," he said.

I gave him my word. He believed me, but said he would wait until he thought I was ready.

I was afraid he would change his mind. I also wondered if he would even remember.

Days passed.

The songs did not reach me.

But he gave me something else, not any less precious. I cherished it. I am cherishing it now. His words written beneath the hard cover. His signature. And the story that lies within. Not just the writer's, but of our own shared time and space. At least that was what he said.

The next day he told me he had left a little surprise for me. And that was the last time I spoke to him. I typed in my all too familiar username and password. There it was. Seventeen tracks. Seventeen secrets that we were now sharing.

I drown myself in them everyday. I have them on repeat. And when I don't, I'm absorbed by the story. I take it slow, not wanting it to end. Now I'm seeing true music, not just in the songs, but in the words that form the story in the book.

And I miss him, needless to say. The other day, I realized that he is my third favorite man in the whole world. That is a big deal, isn't it? I just wish he would be here again.

~ You put me on a shelf, and kept me for yourself, I can only blame myself, you can only blame me. ~

The 9th of December came to her for the fifteenth time. She was looking up directly above her, at the ceiling-fan, which was being forced to rotate even on such a wintry day. When he spoke, his voice, as intended, was muffled by the relentless groaning of the fan.
"Your tone and expressions are a lot like - " he trailed off a bit before he found the word he was looking for. He compared her to a fictional character from a book, a movie. Immensely satisfied with the comparison he had just made, he smiled widely. She knew he was trying to say more than just that; in a way he had just made a jab at her own character, but she pretended to remain oblivious to the indication and simply smiled back. It was the easiest thing to do. He said a few other things, but she was no longer listening. She was still looking above her, watching the rotations, as her mind kept venturing back to earlier that day, to a setting completely different from the one she was currently in, with people completely different from the one who was accompanying her now.

..................................

They had had a few things to say, specially him. She couldn't remember the last time she had had an actual conversation with him, but now, thanks to one person in the middle, they had been made to talk. He sounded puzzled, bewildered... guilty, even. Of what, he had wanted to know. Rightfully, too. No, he was not guilty. She told him she, herself, was. But a part of her knew it wasn't her either. Nor was it the one sitting in between them, trying her best. She just didn't want to name the person who came to mind while they were pointing fingers. She was trying to protect him from the pointers. Why, she wondered  for a split second, and then dismissed the pondering. This was just how it was, how it had been.

...................................

Deciding that she had finally seen enough of the rotating fan, she rolled on to her side, still silent. He raised an eyebrow, as if waiting for her to say what was on her mind. She hesitated slightly, almost told him about her conversation from that morning, then decided against it. Naturally. Instead, she just smiled again, pulled herself up, tied back her hair and stepped into her shoes.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

So, what is it that drags me out of whatever crappy impotence I was going through? =P

Well, the perfect place. The perfect evening. The perfect weather, yes. The perfect time of the day. But, above all, the perfect company. That one person who makes my life Infinite, amazing beyond comprehension. My best friend. MY PERSON. So, if you are reading this, thank you. For this evening. For EVERYTHING. You ARE everything. I'm blessed. And, I love you.

So, this is it. One year and four months. Ninety-four posts and one missing post. Not bad, huh?

The Girl Next Door

She's isn't literally the girl NEXT door, but she lives close enough. =)
And I swear, if I'm sad or something, talking to her REALLY helps. And she just finds her way to talk to me perfectly even with me being emo, and soon enough, I'm back to normal. =D

This is kind of a weird post, because the two of us have functioned like this for years now, and this is nothing new. But I just want to make sure I'm appreciating it enough, you know? =)

So, yes. This person definitely makes it to my list of most loved people. :D And, my god, I love her. =')

The World Can Kick You When You're Down.

^ True story.

On the bright side - GOOD MUSIC, MAN! =D
The Winery Dogs. \m/

Unconditional? No, thanks.

We had great times together. A fraction of those times have actually been recorded in my blog. I just hope it's not over, you know? I hope that one day we can resume all the crazy stuff we'd do together, laugh like mad people, talk for hours and just be there in each other's lives. 'Cause, honestly, I miss having that friend with whom I'd end up talking about stuff even after I told myself that I wouldn't. And I miss having that version of this one friend. I miss all of it. Sometimes I think of certain happenings from the past and I get so mad. I feel as if a lot of it is unfair. Who am I kidding? I always knew that it was unfair. But sometimes a person is just worth taking the shit for. What do you do, though, when s/he seems to lose the worth? Do you just let go 'cause it was overdue anyway? Or do you try to keep holding on like you always did? What if you've always been the one going the extra distance, trying to hold on.. and now there just isn't anything to hold on to? I say, you let it go. Whatever happens will just happen.

Charlie-esque.

I read about his sister. I read about the two people who stumbled upon him at his brother's party when he was young. I read about the pretty girl with the green eyes. I read about the talkative girl who fought causes and talked about women's rights. I read about the best friend who killed himself. I read about HIM, the main protagonist. And I connected to all of it, all of them. It's when you can read about fictional people and REALLY want to tell them, "It's okay. I know how you feel."
But they are nothing more than two-dimensional characters, trapped in the pages of a book. However, someone had to create them, right? Someone had to construct the plot, dictate and decide what happens to these people. And if someone came up with all this, then there must be other people who live through all these experiences. And, in the end, we are not alone. We are just similar individuals scattered all around the world. And, when we want to relate, it doesn't always have to be a method involving physical presence.

Upturn

Honestly, I started my post-exam holidays with ZERO enthusiasm. I expected nothing of it, and surely enough, the beginning lived up to the expectations. But magic happened when my parents began to worry that I was turning into some socially-retarded freak. They started going out of their ways to send me out and make me plan activities and all. That I finally did. Not so much planning, though. But I eased up a little about the idea of dragging myself out of home. And things turned out amazing.
An awesome sleepover with a group of old friends made the entire holiday-time worth it. And then, believe it or not, there were EVEN better days.
But, I'm not going to say that I got nothing out of locking myself up at home for the first five days. I got to read this amazing book that moved me in ways unimaginable. If I were to describe the book in one word, I'd go for "poignant". It broke my heart, honestly. But it made me realize my field of passion. And, right after I finished the book, I woke up the next morning KNOWING that my main SAT II subject was definitely going to be Biology. I even ended up researching chronic illnesses, out of interest and also need, but I'm telling you that these were not even in the syllabus. When I very briefly summarized the plot of the book to my mom, it brought her to tears. I guess that's just how powerful it was. My Sister's Keeper.
When ("if") I go to school next week, I'll be proud of the past two weeks. I truly will. And I'll feel really good about this time.

Chasing Cars. < Yes, that's the song. (H)

So, I'll keep this short.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! xD

Tuesday. <3

So, ummm, I just had a REALLY nice evening after a REALLY long time.

Okay, bye.

The Tide That Left And Never Came Back

For a few seconds, I had my friend back. It's not what you said, but the way you said it. Haha. :P
No, seriously, it was nice. And even if it was, like, just two sentences, it made me feel like you're still here, you know? =) And that was Infinite enough.
It would be wrong if I said I don't know what has happened ever since the last time I've felt like you were here. I know, you know, other people know what it was. But maybe it's just you and me who know exactly what it has been like. Or maybe even I don't know to the full extent. I'm not trying to tell you that it's fair. I'm just saying that, sometimes, it's just how things are.
Maybe you're being you now. Maybe who I used to know wasn't the genuine friend you really are, but it was definitely the person I had gotten used to. Maybe you have barriers around you now; not against me or anything, but just barriers in general. Hard to imagine, knowing you. But these happen. We've all felt the necessity to put these fences up from time to time. I had barriers too, several times in my life. I had barriers with you at a point, but they were for a different reason. Not to keep you out, I'm telling you. But just to keep you from wishing to reach here. It was important for you to retaliate and swing back. You did. And now I don't have to do anything. It just works out. So, that's great, I suppose. =)
Moments where I feel that you've always been here are good too. It has been long enough and now it's okay to feel positive about these random instants, instead of freaking out all the time. Well, there you go. Those two sentences of yours were powerful enough to bring me to this and lead me to directly address a blog post to you for the first time. (H)

Preachershock.

So, he returns home, stays undercover for a month, and then surprises us as soon as we're done with our exams. Who else could pull this off other than the very Preacherman? My vacation enthusiasm has been fully restored. It is scary though, to think of having another "End Transmission" at the end of August. Saying goodbye ONCE was heartbreaking enough. But, the truth is, I wasn't even expecting to see him in the next few years. It will be a true miracle to be able to see him again, hopefully next week. And I know there were times in the past four months when I felt like I'd do anything to see him once more time and just hear a few inspirational words. So, this is it. I feel Infinite.

Help Me Leave Behind Some Reasons To Be Missed?

There are people I love, appreciate and cherish. And they are amazing people. I find myself constantly seeing all the wonderful things about them and always hoping that others will do the same for them. But, when these very people cause me to feel inferior and make me look bad in front of others, it really sucks, even if they didn't really intend to cause any such effect. I'm not saying I've never faced this before, BUT THAT'S THE THING. I thought I had left those days far behind me. But, I suppose some things just find a way to catch up to you, in one form or another.

Californication?

There are certain people who, no matter how much they grow up, always remain a kid to you. And you wish that you could always keep them in a world where childish innocence is eternal. But you can't. And you're probably not even supposed to. But that doesn't stop you from wishing you could.

When I Left early This Year, How I Wound Up Here, Is Anyone's Guess.

So, today makes four such Tuesdays of this year so far. That's already four Tuesdays too many for me. There's no getting used to this, ever.

This. Here And Now. With you.

The night before the last was a sleepless one. I was listening to this nice song by The Cure. And I thought of a lot of things. Mainly about how I often pick out the ancient negatives, choose to hold on and let those have the effects. It's pointless. I mean, WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER NOW? It doesn't. Not anymore, not at all. =) Nothing's going wrong now because of what ONCE happened. So, yes. I am a happy person. Because, life is beautiful.

Remembrance

So, I was watching this dumb show on TV. And somehow it reminded me of a movie that I watched before my O-levels exams last year. A Walk To Remember. I never really liked the movie. It was a bit too typical for my taste - Popular jock guy, nerdy girl; guy gets into some detention thing with the girl's club; he finds that she's different from all the cheerleaders he has dated; she keeps him at a distance at first; misunderstandings; opening up to each other - I mean, just how many movies have ALL that? And when the female protagonist gets a disease, it just HAS to be leukemia.
And the marriage part was a bit of a necrophilia in my opinion. But this I'd like to take back.
Well, the thing is, the movie did have really nice parts too. Like, all the wish fulfillment. And I was just thinking, I should watch it again. After my AS exams. Or, maybe during the exams. That sounds better, actually. =)

Hate Is A Strong Word, But I Really, Really, Really Don't Like You.

It was ages ago, but sometimes I can still see those two random, peering faces. And then I can see your face, oblivious to their presence. You knew they were there, didn't you? Yet, you chose to overlook. You didn't care. But I did. And God knows I went through hell for that. You're pathetic, you know? I'm sorry, but I can't always keep up this Oh-I-never-walked-in-your-shoes-so-I-will-still-have-respect.

Latitudes

Love and gratitude are two separate sentiments. Several times they come hand-in-hand, but they're still not the same thing. If people could always distinguish correctly between these two feelings, I think a lot of mistakes could be prevented, a lot of wrong decisions avoided and a lot of hearts left unhurt.

" Sad ."

I had lost a friend a few years ago and then got him back quite recently. It was quite Infinite. But I think I'm about to lose him again. Oh well. It was good while it lasted.

Let Your Heart Hold Fast

Sometimes, NO ONE gets it. And I'm not very used to this kind of thing 'cause I haven't faced much of it before. But I guess that's just how it is at times. And all you can do is try to keep going.

Uhh =/

I am SUCH a procrastinator. I had nine freaking months to study the biology syllabus. But I just HAD to start nine DAYS before the exams. And I had to push myself to finish it all in eight short days. I really don't know what to expect after this. But, well, the exam starts in a few hours. I just hope I can apply all that I HAVE learned last week. I hope I don't black out or something. May Allah help me and all those who are sitting for the exam today.

~ Like Coming Home, Like Coming Up For Air.

2013. Wow. Okay. I'll turn eighteen this October.

So, April just passed by. I have always been afraid of this month for a few reasons, all having to do with bad things happening. But, well, it was different this year, to say the least. I had the best month.
It was... divine.
Yes, that's what it was.
And now, as I type this post, I'm wondering - hey, this divinity, why was it once a bad thing again?
Well, now I know. It was never a bad thing. In fact, it is the best thing that has happened to me. Ever.

Do the right thing.

"Sometimes we know what to do. It's just that, we need someone to tell us what we refuse to tell ourselves." ~ Preacherman, 9th December 2012.

I miss him, really. With the exams THIS close, less than a week away ( okay, just FIVE FREAKIN' DAYS away), I REALLY need him to tell me what I must do. I mean, I KNOW, but it makes all the difference when he speaks to me. I wish he was around, to preach. He still does, obviously, but sometimes he's just so terribly out of reach in the instants when I need him the most. And I know that a lot of people are feeling the same way right now.
Anyways, despite everything, I hope you're having the time of your life, Preacherman. =)

Nothing Else Matters.

I'm happy.
No, not in the hey-I'm-happy-right-now kind of way. I'm just.. HAPPY. In general. Over all.

~ "And nothing else matters." ~

And, again, it's time for it to flash back.

I keep getting those memory flashes. I always did, but right now it actually bothers me. It has been so for the past few days. Staying on my own for the majority of the time isn't helping at all. This is no big surprise or anything, but it simply sucks. It has been catalyzed by a number of other things. I had a very ridiculous, funny conversation with my cousin the other day, where she brought up a lot of things in the most joking manner. I laughed along during the conversation. But, all of it started flooding back to me later on, the next day. I had sort of forgotten quite a few of the dumb details until all that was talked about again. Worse than the conscious thoughts are the fragments of the nightmares I have. They not only involve those times, but also the possible effects of those times on the present and future. This part is a new addition made this year. It's terrifying.
I know this is just a matter of a few days and then it will be over for a very long time. So, I'm not over-worrying or anything. But the timing is really bad, you know? Right before exams. Always. Well, of course. Anyways, I'll get by just fine. That I know. But still, I do hope that one day it stops coming back altogether. Forever.

LOL .

But SUBTLETY is attractive! =O Unconventionally attractive.
God. Help these dumb people. =P

Oh God, all of this is so much beyond perfect. Please, let me keep it? Forever? Please?

Well. =)

I feel Infinite .

Always.

Just last night, I was feeling a little mellow. It had been a while since I had had any communication with the Preacherman. Two weeks seemed pretty long, yeah. I had a really nice evening today and I was feeling a lot better. But then things continued to get brighter. I was walking around peacefully after class when someone called. I looked at my phone to see that the number was unidentifiable and received the call doubtfully.
"Hey buri, what's up?"
I swear I heard those words. It took me a while to believe them. And that was him, the Preacherman. We spoke for twenty minutes. It was just like before; seemed like he had never really left the country. I don't know. It was really nice. And he was infinitely inspirational, as usual, as always.

Magnitudes

Amazing how one does not realize just HOW wrong one had been until one really gets it right. But, by then, it's all good. It's worth everything.

Graduation Glory

A week away from right now, I will be at the graduation ceremony for the O-levels school graduates of our batch. Yes, there's a dress code. Yes, it's very feminine and formal for the female students. Yes, I'm obsessing over the preparations.

Honestly, I'm excited. I don't want to let the fear of approaching exams ruin it for me. I'm planning with my friends, describing my outfit to anyone who would or wouldn't listen. I gave my best guy friend a full account of every bit of description the other day. He groaned and complained, but listened anyway, then even tried to understand.
It's also nice to see the guys getting excited over their tuxedos. And I can't help but think about how everyone will look all grown up. Whether or not we will act that way obviously remains as a whole different question, as usual.

So, yeah. I cannot wait. I hope the evening turns out to be as glorious as it seems in my head. If not more.

Feminism?

I have been meaning to write a post about feminism for a while. And today I just feel like it. No, this isn't a rebellious post where I preach about women's power and rights. I doubt this is even about feminism. This is just a thought, in all its simplicity.

I have seen guys who treat their girlfriends like shit. I have seen them trying to dominate and overpower their significant others, not giving much significance at all.
I have also seen guys who treat their special women very specially. I have seen these gentlemen put their respective special ones above everything else, always trying to grant every wish and make all dreams come true. Then I have seen these very men treat everyone else around them like scum - and in less extreme cases, simply as unworthy inferiors.

If asked, I would fail to decide which category is worse. The first kind is abuse. The second is merely deception. At the end of the day, I honestly don't know which I'd hate more.
When dealing with the first kind, if I was the victim, well, what can I say? It would be like living under oppression every hour of every day. And how can one live like that?
And, as for the second kind, I'd be a lucky girlfriend. But what if I wasn't the girlfriend? What if I wasn't even the crush? What if I was someone who just knew the guy? I'd be treated by him with little or no importance even when I deserved better than that. And if the lucky girlfriend is happy with a man like that, wow, good luck for the future.

I see many people around me - several guys who think of women as their inferiors, and many others who believe in equality.

The thing is, when we women want feminism to be promoted, we're NOT asking you to give us a chance to dominate over you men. We're not asking to be superior to you. All we're asking for is to let us have as much as a chance as you do. Let us be an equal part of the important things. Give us a chance to make a difference, a positive one.

I'm not just talking in terms of affairs and commitments here. But that did seem like a good place to start.

Giggles :P

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! =D

Okay, that's it for today. xD

Everything =')

So, you go out with a guy, jokingly pretending you're just getting to know him, when you've already known him for almost five years. You run around, annoy each other, laugh like maniacs and do crazy shit that make passers-by oddly stare at you. Then you two plan a marriage, a perfect, crazy one, and laugh at yourselves for doing so, but you both simultaneously hope to make it work someday. Then you finally end the awesome date, hoping to see each other again.
And immediately, right from that moment, you begin describing your date to your best friend while he advices you to continue seeing the guy.

At the end of the day, when you think about how it is all that same one person, you can't help but be amazed. If this isn't Infinite, then what is?

~ And would you tell me how could it be any better than this? ~

Us.

And just when I thought I wouldn't dare to dream . . .

You amaze me. Always have. Always will.

Stuck In Reverse

Yes, I'm having a Coldplay fever, and hence, I'm using their lyrics for my titles lately.

I just stalked my blog. It has been exactly a year. Just one year ago, I began blogging, on one not-so-fine day, because I had nobody to talk to. So, I wrote. I do that quite often, actually.

So, has blogging made things better for me? I don't know.
Has it been significant to me? That's a definite yes.

I'm tracing all the way back to my first blog post. Bliss In Ignorance.
Do I still feel that way? I guess not.
I don't know if I've grown ever since that very first post, but I think there HAS been changes in the way I think. Even then, what I'm actually trying to get to is, I haven't really moved from where I was when I first started this journal. I look around me and I'm astounded by all the changes, the little and big happenings. Anyone who has followed my posts with the slightest attention will have known that my greatest fear is that of changes. Now that is something that has, well, changed. I am not going to put a name to my current greatest fear, but I'm more open to changes now. Maybe it's because I've dealt with a handful over the past year, some of them being quite significant indeed. And here I am, and I am okay. And I WILL be. Right?

All I'm saying is that, alterations in life don't always have to be bad. Some, in fact, even happen for the better. Others can be MADE TO result in something better. I once said something about always having a choice. I really do believe that.

Stuck In Reverse? That's a funny title for a post written exactly a year after Bliss In Ignorance. But life IS funny. Often with dark humor. But, then again, choice. And perspective too, I guess.
So, I'm still here. Same place, just a different time. I can't say I never tried leaving. But what happens when your escape route leads you back to Square One? Well, I guess then you just embrace it and remain there. And if you HAVE to move? Simply revolve around Square One. That's what I'll do. So, yeah.

When You Feel So Tired , But You Can't Sleep. . .

But dreams are a luxury. And I cannot dream of affording dreams when I'm out here begging for the bare necessity.

“I'm so afraid. Because I'm so profoundly happy. Happiness like this is frightening. They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.”

~ The Kite Runner.

Everything's Not Lost

A forty-five-minute long walk with a friend. It had been a while. It was nice - talking, laughing and catching up. I needed it. I needed it, specifically, today. It served as a much-welcomed reminder that she's still around, that everything's not lost.

Here Comes The Sun

I have always been used to having those sudden bursts of good moods from time to time . These slices of happiness would brighten things up, lasting for about a few hours, and sometimes, even up to a day. I never exactly tried to explain them. They just felt good.
Now, the prolonged feeling of contentment feels good too. And I'm still not trying to explain anything. Not because I don't want to. Not because I can't. But, simply because, really, what is there to be explained? =)

Yes, you .

Yeah, it was just because I was sort of hoping to find you before that.

Beautiful

Because life is beautiful, particularly for all the small things which we often take for granted. =)

Scribbles

Seeing the mildewed-looking paper still sitting there, bruised and slightly forgotten, I take it out and set it in front of me. Once again, using the pen, I add to it. But not the tiny, neat writings I had carefully inscribed before. I scribble. Not once. Not twice. Not just a few times. But all over it. All over my handwriting.
And then, with a pleasant smile that is suitable upon the face of someone who has just realized something nice, I toss it away.

Confirmation

It's one of those nice weather days that make me think of Vagabonding. Coincidentally, I wake up to a text from my Vagabond friend and can't help but cherish the good times. Also, it feels nice to be assured that it still feels the same kind of good. I sort of needed that.

Dear God .

Who am I kidding?

Wordlessness? <- That's a real word.

Once again, I am at a loss of words. I have a lot and nothing to say at the same time. It's just that, sometimes there are no words, even if you're an English teacher on some level. Yeah, that's about it, I guess.

Eh.

I like Pokemons. Lapras was once my favorite. She was blue, beautiful and traveled so gracefully through water. Just saying.
I liked Swat Kats too. And Oswald. And a few others.
Oh, Pokemon theme songs were the best! :D

Swing

So, this is the first "that kind of day" of this year. A spring day, obviously, as always. The kind of day on which my face switches from one expression to another, a little too quickly. The kind of day on which I'm thinking too much in too little time. The kind of day on which I sleep the entire afternoon away, wake up and see that the day is yet to be over. Yes, we're back to that. 2013, you've been nice in quite a few ways till now. Please, don't do this. And, please, just don't make April a nightmare.

Completion

I've never really given much thought to what completion is. But, I think I know now. And how grateful I am. =)

Burial Backfire

"That was a long time ago, but it's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out."

The above lines are from the book I've just read, The Kite Runner. It might just be the best individual book I've come across till now. Well, I can't say that I completely disagree with those lines. The thing is, you CAN bury the past, to an extent. You can bury all that is tangible - photos, objects, surroundings. You can get rid of certain things, distance yourself from a few others. It is the intangible that is tricky to deal with.

Memories. That's what they are in a vast sense. But, whoever said you cannot shove memories away and leave them to fade out gradually? You can bury memories too, but once again, to an extent.
There are entities, intangible ones, that you possess and that is yours to give away when you choose to. Along the way, you end up spending these, distributing them at particular points. But, the thing is, these are such that cannot be restored, cannot be retrieved. Once given, they are gone. You cannot regain them, you cannot take them back to give out at a different occasion. The simplest, and perhaps the least personal, example of such an entity is time. You never get it back. These entities (or loss thereof) are what make memories so recurring, so vivid.

For instance, you are doing a good job in burying the past. And then, suddenly, you reach a significant point in the present and you feel that it seems to be the perfect place to plant one of those landmarks, those milestones, only to realize that it is no longer among your possessions. You have already given it away, at a far less appropriate, perhaps even WRONG, instant. The realization causes your mind to drift back towards that time, to wander around the contours of the past that you have been burying so successfully. And it begins to claw its way out.

Always Tuned In To Preacherwave

Today was supposed to be a very difficult day. And, as expected, it wasn't easy. The institution people made me teach in the ex-Preacherwave room for a short while due to the unavailability of my usual classroom, and it almost brought tears.
But I had waken up to a text from the Preacherman, asking me the usual "Buri, ekta gaan shunbi?".
And I knew that it would be okay. He was at the airport, past immigration, yet he was preaching his music to me, just like he always did. It was all good. For now, no change. The rest I'll deal with slowly. Baby steps.

Because You Teach, Preach and Reach.

There comes a time when people just have to part ways, turn around and walk in a different direction. And this, I mean literally. Despite always having known this, it is inexplicably heartbreaking to part ways with the Preacherman - a philosopher, a mentor, an idol in whose hands I could lay my life down without hesitation, completely trusting him with it. Of course, this is no final goodbye, because, it's a small world after all (and God bless technology). But, to be oceans apart, to know that I will no longer have to spend (tolerate) at least six hours of him every week, to accept that I will not be seeing that lovable, bearded face and those animated eyebrows raised at me, claiming homework - Now how is that easy in any way?
And, every time I let my thoughts flow freely in this direction, it always had the same affect, I still cannot get past the throbbing in my head and the blurred vision.

But I know that he just has to go to the other side of the world, pick up the new building blocks and design for himself the next stage of his life full of hard work, success and happiness. And with the amount of faith I have in this man, I know that he will try his best to retain as much of his current life as possible. And that includes us.
I also know that I will never be able to accept any other Physics or Chemistry teacher. Ever. It will always be him, no matter who I'm officially taking lessons from. I will always be a student of the Preacherman. This man not only taught me science, but also life. And how can anyone else ever beat that?

The least we could do for the person who has given us so very much was to bid him a cherishable (and hopefully temporary) farewell, letting him know that he is loved beyond measure. And the most we could do in such a limited amount of time was, well, not as much as we would have liked to. But it was worth everything, though it included some of us working our asses off.

It was a beautiful evening. A large crowd of people, thirty-seven of his eleventh-graders and one very helpful, involved tenth-grader, gathered to make the occasion truly memorable for him. Suddenly, it didn't matter which school you went to, which friend circle you belonged in, what kind of student you were, how long you had been around, how different (or how uncomfortably similar) you were to whomever - People were brought together by that one thing in common: A wish to make it special for the beloved Preacherman. Of course, everyone's degree of urgency was nowhere near equal, but its mere existence within each individual was enough.

And, as we gave him things to remember us by and reasons not to leave, he shed tears out of sentiments I cannot even explain. But we knew that he knew. He knew that he was going to be permanent part of us. And, in that infinite moment, it was enough. But, then again, almost.

Reaching Out

Throughout the years, I have been close to quite a few of my teachers, but I had never imagined such a level of propinquity. The Preacherman takes this to a whole new level. In times of severe distress and/or stupefaction, when nobody else seems to make much sense, or some people just keep telling me things I don't want to hear while others choose to say nothing at all, it is this Preacherman I resort to, for help and advice. He never tells me what and what not to do, but simply asks me questions that lead me to where I should be headed. Initially, his direct questions infuriate me and I begin to feel that I have made a mistake by talking to him about things. But then the answers are right there, flowing from my own mind, and I'm thinking in the right direction once again. At the end of the day, when my troubles are under control and I've figured out what I have to do for the moment, I take some time to thank him.
And, to that, he always says, "These are the intrinsic rewards of teaching. The tuition fees, the classes and the notes may all be materialistic, but it feels priceless to reach out to someone at a completely personal level."

I probably never understood completely the degree of truth behind those words before. But when a student of my own fidgets during class, waiting for a chance to speak to me, and approaches me right after the lesson to share with me some of the hurdles she has been facing in life - it really starts to make sense. When she pours her heart out, listens intently to what I have to say to it and claims that she feels a lot better after speaking to me, I feel truly blessed. And I fully understand the meaning of the words the Preacherman tells me every time I show my gratitude towards him. I can finally comprehend the sheer magnitude of it. It all falls into place and I feel unquestionably rewarded.

Pointless Pondering

So, you wear your straight face and listen to everything everyone says, thinking, "Do they even hear themselves?" And you know that they do. But that's all they'll ever say. No more and no less. Just enough to make you wonder.

Infinite

And in that moment, I swear we were Infinite.