You were once wild ; don't let them tame you . . .

We often see movies where they teach us about the importance of being ourselves and not trying to be somebody we're not. However common this theme may be, it is not one to be ignored. Being yourself is the key to growing independently as an individual. And it is not always easy to be who you really are. There will always be people who will try to alter you into something you're not. It's not always because they wish to harm you; it may be because that's who THEY are. There will be people who will try to demoralize you, make you feel inferior and parasite upon your confidence. They will make you feel insignificant, hold you below themselves at all times, and eventually persuade you to do the same.
But you do not have to give in to this disdain. You always have a choice, and no one can deprive you of it until you let them do so. The choice may be a difficult one, but it's there. Allow people to advise you; it's okay to let others help. But you must be careful while distinguishing help from harm. Respect others' opinions while voicing your own. Your view is just as important as anyone else's, no more and no less. If you're against something, stand up for it, speak against it. Don't become a victim of somebody else's condescending opinion just to avoid the chaotic consequence of a disagreement.
I've learnt one thing in life. You can never be true to someone else while you're being untrue to yourself. If you deceive yourself, you are deceiving all those around you. Know yourself, love yourself. And change only the things where YOU believe you require improvement. You aren't bound to be what others want to see in you. 
I'm not saying that you should be selfish or self-obsessed, but you must care about yourself. When you don't care about yourself, it gives a message to others: I don't give a shit about myself and you shouldn't waste time bothering about me either. 
But when you do make an effort and investment on yourself, it tells others: I care about myself and my own good, and you should do the same because I'm worth it.
You will miss out on a lot if you don't set your spirit free and keep it that way.


When I think about all that I've been through - the inferiority complex, the lack of confidence, the constant fear - I happen to regret the turning point that occurred in my life precisely three years ago from today. Growing up, always being surrounded by the most loving family and friends, it was no easy feat when I plunged into a completely different universe where none of those were allowed to exist - your universe. You were insecure, weren't you? You were scared that I would leave because you considered yourself unworthy? Well, why couldn't you just be straightforward about your problem? Why did you have to convince me that I'd gotten more than I deserved, just so that I would never seek anything else? Had nobody ever taught you that you must set your loved one free? Sometimes you have to take chances. I had given up everything, hadn't I, just so that I could fit myself into your lonely little world?
I'm glad I realized the mistake before it was too late. When I came back to my senses, I still had a little time left to hurry back to my realm and try to regain all that I had thrown away because of you. I will always be eternally grateful to those few people who helped me rebuild the bridges that I had burnt: all the bridges that led back to my world, which has always been full of people I love: people who love me for who I am.

When I look back on all of this, I'm overcome by mixed emotions. But don't you ever think that I'm blaming you. I'm not. That's who YOU are. It's my fault that I'd given you that power to tame me and make me lose myself. But then again, no regrets. If it weren't for this experience of nearly two years, I wouldn't have completely known myself and my capacity. I've learned never to limit myself, all thanks to you. You taught me the hard way, but a lesson is a lesson, and a lesson is always valuable. And I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you about my opinions, but trust me, I was lying to myself as well, trying to convince myself all the while that our opinions were the same. I don't know how you're doing now, but I can proudly say that I'm better than ever before, and I sincerely wish the same for you. If you hadn't tried to alter me into you, I wouldn't have known who I really was. The difference between the two of us was a real eye-opener. Thank you.


~ It is commonly said that the person worth your sacrifice is the one who'll never ask you to give anything up. However common this saying may be, this is something else that must not be ignored. It's very true, no matter how cheesy it may sound. When you find the right person who is worth the forfeit, that certain person will never ask you to do so. Only then will you ever have a win-win situation.

Reaching For Dawn

When you feel that you're falling away
Exhausting your reserve of endless strength
Everyone around you is running a race
Yet you are left behind, frozen in your place
I'll pause, I'll wait
I'll even battle against fate
I will do all that I can
Just reach out for my hand
And once you catch your breath
You will know where I stand.

Time will erode and it will pass you by
Perhaps you must rise to give it another try
If you feel the world weighing down on your back
Burdened by the shame of all that you lack
And if it seems to you that the final scar has been drawn
Remember that the night is always the darkest before dawn

When there's not a soul around
Everyone is on his destined way
You can feel that hopeful tune begin to cease
Haunted by the ghost of all the memories
I promise to stand still
And I'll be waiting there till
You're able to catch up with me
And hold on to all that remains
We can take time to rest our eyes
If it helps to easy your pain.

Time will erode and it will pass you by
Perhaps you must rise to give it another try
If you feel the world weighing down on your back
Burdened by the shame of all that you lack
And if it seems to you that the final scar has been drawn
Remember that the night is always the darkest before dawn.

When you're worn out, lying low
Buried beneath all that you know
Just remember what I said
And you'll know where I wait,
Not very far away.

Cherished

~ Just one of those times when I feel very lucky, appreciative and inspired...

Cherished

Look into the crowd, so many faces all around,
Some bear frowns, others wear a smile,
A few just break down and cry for a while;
Each with a different past, a unique story left behind.

See that little girl with the tangled hair,
Tattered clothes, her tiny feet bare,
Walking along the road, through the pitch and sand,
Pretty flowers in her tender hands?
She stops by a car, a smile upon her face,
The precious flowers held in a dear embrace.
But the passenger wants no flower today,
And without a second glance, waves her away.
So she speeds off to the next car
Perhaps they'll buy a rose from her;
As the day wears on, she runs hither and thither
While her smile and flowers slowly wither.

Do you see the fragile man in that old home,
On the balcony, sitting all alone?
He looks up to the sunny sky, and after one long sigh,
Remembers the red kite he once used to fly;
Those were the golden times, the fresh village air,
His boyhood passed without a single care;
Surrounded by all those he dearly loved,
Flying his beloved kite high above.
He's still a lucky man, as he will tell you,
He's got sons and daughters, and grandchildren, too.
But he hasn't seen them in a thousand days,
Since they all live a thousand miles away.

Look, there's that young man, rushing off to work,
Won't be returning home till it's after dark.
As he drives by, it will be clear to you,
That he's prosperous, very well-to-do.
But those dark shadows beneath his bloodshot eyes
Tell the tale of a sad man dwelling in joyful lies.
He hates every moment spent in his grand home,
Where he is left utterly on his own.
A long decade ago, he lost the love of his life
Ever since, he's been locked up in his lonesome hive.
He had the most flawless future planned out in his head,
And now he's haunted by the ghost of the dreams long dead.

Look around and see the faces in the crowd,
The sun will find a way out through the clouds.
So don't be weary, 'cause life will carry
All that's beautiful is temporary.
Now just live and love all that you've been given,
We all lose, gain, and sometimes break even;
You've got more luck than many out there,
So why not cherish all that's in your share?

Proscrastination

Eighteen days to go. I was just looking at the exam routine and it freaked me out. I'll have no time to revise during the exams. I'll barely have time to get enough sleep! There'll be three days on which I'll have exams in the morning as well as the afternoon. And there's almost no free days in between the others. Oh my God! Talk about stressful! But on the bright side, it will be over in a flash.
It's weird how all I think about is "after the exams" instead of focusing on revision. Some things never change. Now isn't that comforting? Where's the pressure?! I mean, sure I feel pressurized, but not enough to do anything much about it.
People who think I'm not studying because I'm emo will be sort of mistaken. I'm alright now. It's not the emoness. It's the devil perching on my shoulder in the form of idleness and procrastination.
The reason why I don't update my blog as much as before is quite valid. I don't spend as much time in front of the computer now. Not because I'm doing anything productive during that time, but simply because my parents freak out when they see me at my leisure these days. That's very natural. I'm lucky to have such cool parents who aren't kicking my ass yet.
Anyways, life is still beautiful. I should get back to my Chemistry now. Yes, I'm talking about the subject.

Doom

Nineteen days ago from today, I was just being emo about the beginning of April. And nineteen days later from today, I will be giving my first 'O' levels exam. Wow, time flies!

I.
Am.
Officially.
Doomed.

Just Another Beginning...

I just re-read an old post: "Journey within the (Yellowish) Walls". And it feels sad to think that I will not be seeing much of these yellowish walls anymore. Yesterday, we celebrated the last day of our school-life. Well, maybe it wasn't exactly the OFFICIAL last day, but since our school is not going to make any sort of occasion out of this, we just took the responsibility on our shoulders. Sure, the administration kicked us out before we even did anything; but then we began our day on the streets outside the yellowish walls. We did get to prepare within the walls though. By preparation, I mean filling balloons with water and all.

Once we were outside under the sunny sky, the color fight began! I don't remember being in such a big color fight ever before. And I couldn't have wished for a better group of people to share this experience with. A lot of our people were not present though. This was very unfortunate, but oh well, life carries on. 

In one of my previous posts, I talked about my fear of changes. I mentioned my first friends, two girls, who don't even speak to one another anymore. This had been troubling me for a long time because my first real school memories revolve around these people, and so finally, I decided to do something about it. At first, I approached one of them and asked exactly what had happened. Then, after long conversations with both of them, they were convinced that they should be on good terms at the end of this journey. This may or may not later evolve into the awesome friendship that they once shared, but for now, friendly terms is good enough. I cannot begin to describe how great this made me feel. And even if this does not work out at all, I will know that I have tried. And that does mean something.

Yesterday turned out to be one of the most memorable and amazing days in my (little more than) sixteen years of life. I keep telling myself that it's not the end, but just another beginning. When I started going to school, I didn't know what I was stepping into. And now, once again, I'm not sure of what is about to begin. Maybe that IS the beauty. The only certainty in life is uncertainty. But whatever is beginning for myself, I want all these special people to be in this with me once again. All these people who made the yellowish walls so tolerable, so memorable, and even so lovable. I don't like changes, as I've said a million times before, but it's time to accept the fact that there will always be changes. One more wonderful than the previous, or maybe more painful than all the ones before it. But in the end, life is beautiful: as beautiful as you make it, and as beautiful as you let others make it for you.

Dread

~ This was written by me in August, 2011. The inspiration came from the song "The Last Cigarette" by Bon Jovi. This writing does not reflect my life in any way. It's just supposed to be something creative. Also, this is from a guy's point of view. And yes, my best friend suggested the title for this writing, so the title selection credit goes to her  =)


Dread

Crawling through dark passageways
Past the cobwebs inside my head,
Splashing in pools of lies,
Staring out of bloodshot eyes.

I fight to find peace in my mind,
Ignorance was far too kind;
Though I know you're on the move,
Can't believe you're gone for good.

Smoke rising from yet one more cigarette,
The music playing used to be your favorite;
I've tried to create our atmosphere,
Was isolation all I feared?

My exhausted eyes play tricks on me,
I'm seeing you where I think you should be:
Sitting by the cackling fireplace,
The flame reflecting off your tired face.

I can hear your voice in the air,
Radiating from the concrete layers;
It haunts, it taunts, it mocks even more,
And I regret not hearing your cries before.

Looking round my stagnant room I see
All the objects that witnessed you and me,
I wonder if they could ever tell
That you would leave before farewell.

And the old wall clock still ticks by,
Its hands are tired, but never die.
Don't you think they're a lot like me,
Circling in a frame, never free?

In parts of me, the stubborn memories linger
How delicate your hair felt beneath my fingers;
The old visions fade, but they leave a trace,
Like the ashes that lie in my fireplace.

Destination?

~ But you must have been North, for I had nothing to do,
... My stubborn compass led me right back to you.

And They Light Up My Dark . . .

So, I'm happy today. The day didn't start out that great. For one thing, I woke up to the sound of a violent storm raging outside. I looked out the window, thought it was nighttime by seeing the intensity of the darkness, and tried to sleep again. Then, noticing that it was actually 8:00 in the morning, I rose to find my window seal flooding with rain. So, if morning really did make the day, my day was doomed.

Eventually, the storm began to retreat, though it remained cloudy. I called up one of my best friends, just because I was bored. We talked for a long time after a long time! She updated me with all the news that I had missed out on. Turns out things were pretty eventful and aggressive yesterday. So yeah. Then we talked about some philosophy. And lastly, we reminisced about our childhood. The awesome, hilarious memories! Unfortunately, she was not a part of my childhood and I was not a part of hers. This is because I had already stepped into my teenage when I befriended her. Talking to her was awesome, though. I forgot that I had been feeling under the weather, like literally. We cherished our childhood times, and finally concluded that the most amazing thing is that, in our hearts, we're still children. We still run around like crazy in parks, climb slides, chase cats, fling off our sandals and run down the stairs barefooted, and what else, what not! We don't HAVE to grow up. Retaining one's inner child is a wonderful thing. And then we appreciated all that we have. This particular friend is seemingly the emo-est of the bunch. Her optimism boosted my spirits. At the end of the conversation, both of us were determined to make the best out of the present instead of worrying too much about what has happened or what may happen.

Later today, I talked to another one of my closest friends. He gave me a funnier version of yesterday's aggressive events. Before long, I was laughing like crazy even though we spoke of danger. Then we started talking about the most random and insignificant people. Turns out this weird, arrogant girl is starting to have a crush on this particular friend. He was telling me about how much it freaks him out while she always giggles and cheer-leads for him when he's playing carom. There are other tell-tale signs of this hilarious crush and I began tormenting my friend without further delay. I annoyed him till he begged for mercy and pleaded with me so that I don't spread this new gossip. Just to irritate him further, I kept trying to convince him that this new discovery has the potential of developing into something beautiful, while he continued to protest in exasperation. I laughed till I had to clutch my sides to keep them from hurting. It reminded me of how I should be making "A Beautiful Today", which I was doing quite successfully right then.

This afternoon, yet another friend contacted me. This friend, though not as close to me as my closest ones, is quite special in a different way. He is none other than the person who had once been the radiance. Of course, it's different now, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a good friend. It's funny how we talked and laughed so much today. Exactly a year ago, on the 12th of April 2011, we had met up. That day had been amazing for me. We had spent the afternoon like children, eating ice-cream and drawing pictures of Pokémons. Unlike today, the sky was sunny last year. But when we made fools of ourselves, like children, on the phone this afternoon, it felt like the sun was shining once again. I was truly appreciating all that I have.

Then, just a while ago, another best friend of mine called me up. I was delighted to hear from her. This was all that was needed to make this day absolutely perfect for me! She asked about my plans for the Bangla New Year, and tried her best to make me enthusiastic about the celebration. And she succeeded, because I found myself planning for the day as soon as I was done speaking to her. Fortunately, I also managed to tell her about the weird, arrogant girl falling for our friend. She was all too willing to spread the word. I feel so pleasantly evil.

So, yes. A great day. Though I stayed home while it rained and stormed outside, I felt surrounded by all those who matter the most to me. And the truth is, I really AM surrounded by these wonderful people, who light up my world in the darkest of hours.

Stranger Danger?

Who are you? My best friend?
Now that I think of it, I never exactly used the term "Best friend" to describe you in my books. Perhaps it's because I barely know you at all, even after all this time.
Just about a week or so ago, I randomly blurted out that I know absolutely nothing about you. In reply, you immediately pointed out that I do know you're five feet five inches tall, you're fat and you love physics. You were correct, as almost always. Yes, I know these facts. And honestly, I'm beginning to think that, along with just a few more similar facts, this is all the knowledge of you I was ever meant to have.
You say you prefer to remain indecipherable for your own valid reasons. And over the years, I've learned better than to pester you with questions that you will never willingly answer. Hence, even though I confide in you without so much as a second thought, I ask you nothing regarding yourself. And as a matter of fact, I have become quite used to this arrangement by now.
Despite all that remains absolutely unknown to me, you are one of the very few most important people in my life. And in my own way, I love you to death for who you are... whoever you are.
But at times, I just want to walk right up to you and yell right at your masked face: Our lives are as weird as we make them, no more and no less! The choice is no one's but our own! So why is it that you choose to live this way?

Just Keep Your Fingers Crossed

So, I'm learning over and over and all over again that nothing will last forever. Just when you think that you've got nothing left to lose, you build yet another bridge somewhere else. And eventually, the time comes for that bridge to break just like all the ones before it. And you think that you've had enough. Well, I've had enough.
Just when there was only one thing that I wished to hold on to for all eternity, and I would've been able to accept the loss of anything else but this, it just begins to go up in smoke. Like everything else before it. I'm surprised how all this smoke hasn't literally clogged my trachea yet. But I'm not going to be emo over this. It's not like I've never considered that this might happen. The sad truth is, even if you do predict a fallout, it's never easy to be PREPARED for it.

Anyways, enough of that. I really don't want to write anything more about it. Everyone has different destinations in the course of his/her lifetime. That's only natural. You can't keep people in one place forever. Even though it might seem like you're the only one who hasn't moved, trust me, you have. If not yet, then you will in the future.
So, yeah. Happy things.
I have a break before my last two mocks - Biology and Economics.
I'm still not studying and I doubt that I will during this break, but oh well.
So, the Bangla New Year is on it's way. 14th of April. I have absolutely NO plans. I don't know why, but I just don't have the usual zeal this year. Or maybe I do know why, but whatever. I'll just leave time to play its cards, and then let's see where I end up celebrating on that day. Really, how bad could it be? Don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question -_-

I still have a very hard time believing that school is almost over. It's so weird, man! I've got my fingers crossed for a good ending. So far, nothing's looking up. But sometimes, crossing your fingers is the best (Read: only) thing to do. Let's just wait and see; let everyone else play his/her card first. Because, for once, I've got nothing up my sleeve.

When You Had Been The Silver Lining . . .

Summer. Less than a week left for summer to officially step over the threshold in my part of the world, welcomed by some, resisted by most. And I must admit that it has truly announced itself quite well, sending heat and humidity waves to ensure that everyone is made aware of its impending arrival. That is when the sky opened up, letting all its misery fall as tears, leaving a chilly, sodden veil over the softened earth below.

I do not like the rain. The wind, however, is beautiful. And the clouds? Well, I would not have had anything against them if they did not drag into my mind the very lines from that one particular song. A song that you had so adorably sung to me, perhaps only to irritate me in good humor at that time. It was one cloudy afternoon, very much like this one, when your voice had carried itself through the murky, despairing atmosphere and calmed me down as it happened to be more divine than the wind which I found ever so reviving. I would laugh and curse you all too jokingly, being playfully annoyed while you stubbornly sang to me the song of the clouds.

To admit with utmost shame, I somewhat lack a taste for music of my own native language. Yet, the melody you hummed had triggered some very sincere euphoria within me and made me fall in love with those lines of the chorus that still ring in my ears with the same amplitude even to this day. They were questions, and they had been playfully directed towards me. At that time, however, I did not consider it necessary to answer them, for they were questions to be asked during the time of one's absence. So, the words held little literal significance back then, though I had always loved to hear the melody.

However, as I sit reminiscing today, I find this gray, soaking day to be the most appropriate time to answer the questions posed in those sublime lines of the breathtaking chorus.
... Yes, I still do lose myself absentmindedly in the land of the clouds.
... Yes, I still write pages of poetry, with nothing but you on my mind.
... And when I get caught up in the rain as the skies drizzle their melancholy all over me? Yes, my subconscious still senses your presence in every droplet even today.

Then what is it that has changed, you ask? What difference has been made when I still remain rooted precisely where you said farewell?

As the gray afternoon fades to a grayer dusk, the clouds wear the same gossamer robes of ashened purple and gloom. And burdened with the sorrowful grace of these robes, the clouds dwindle across the sky, floating ponderously above the darkened earth beneath. Though these clouds look no different from the ones that drifted on the afternoon when you sang to me that memorable tune, these are not the same cotton-like puffs that passed us by a year ago. Time. That is what made all the difference.

Boredom And What It Does To People

Power cuts? I hate them. Thank God the world cooled down a bit after the rain. I hate the rain, though. The wind is awesome, but the rain? No, not really.
Cloudy days are weird. Mostly, I'm bored. Otherwise, I'm asleep. If none of those, I become a victim of nostalgia. That usually sucks. Conclusion is, I end up doing nothing productive.Which would explain why my textbooks collected an unusual amount of dust over this weekend. 'O' levels exams are a month away. I couldn't care less. I mean, seriously, what's the point of worrying now?  I will save all the worry, though, for the night before the exams begin. Then everything will happen too fast, so I won't get too much time to think about all the scary exam stuff. Knowing myself, I will end up worrying the most right before the results. Like when you get that nauseated feeling in your stomach? That's the one. God, I'm so bored.
Why do I get so bored these days? According to my mom, I'm not even supposed to have any time for anything at all, provided that I spend all my time studying. Yeah, that explains why I DO have so much time to get bored.
Power cuts make things worse. But thanks to Gaston Leroux's "Phantom of the Opera", I have been able to pass my time reading. When I'm tired of reading, I just find someone to annoy. Mostly, it's my brother. But recently, he has told my mom that his life sucks ever since I started staying home during the afternoons. I was offended, of course, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm delightful to be around. Now I mostly give my brother the silent treatment. It will hopefully teach him a lesson. Nobody knows the worth of water until the well is dry.
So, I have resorted to annoying my friends. I either send them the random-est messages online. Or I just call them up and irritate them until they are close to tears. That's what I did with Daddy on Friday.
I should get going now. And maybe study? Or not. Who cares? We're all gonna die anyways.

Friend in Need

~ And then there are those people towards whom you will be eternally grateful though things have changed and you had to part ways... Still, could you ever forget those special sparks of luminescence that illuminated your life when you most needed it, even if it was only for a while?


Remember the December days
When you and I were in a maze,
Trying to figure out a way
From all that we were going through?
And we would laugh until we cried
While you taught me never to give up a fight,
And we'd never run out of crazy things to do
When it was just me and you.

But nothing does remain, not even the pain
I'll be on my own again, but it's okay...

Through the best and worst of times,
You and I had never failed to smile;
And even if today you walk away,
I shall not ask you to stay.
When the times comes for us to part,
I hope you'll follow the right star;
And I'll love you for all that you were
And all that you had let me be,
When I was just a friend in need.

The cool breeze tickles my skin again,
I bid farewell to the warmth and rain;
It reminds me of how it had all begun,
Born in the frost, died under the sun.
Spring had made sense in between,
But who'd known what summer had within?
The dust you kicked down as you climbed the steps -
Blocked and buried me in its depths.

'Cause nothing does remain, not even the pain
I'm on my own again, but it's okay...

I spread the wings that you'd lent me -
The ones that finally set me free;
Before you turned away like an uncertain swallow,
Only this time you did not expect me to follow.
Now that it's time for us to part,
I hope you're following the right star;
And I love you for all that you were
And all that you had let me be,
When I was just a friend in need.

And if there's a fork stuck in your path,
I hope you choose the correct track;
But if you ever come back to claim your lost and found,
Just know that I shall not be around.

'Cause nothing did remain, maybe just the pain
I was on my own again, but it's okay,
I'm okay...
Better than ever before, even though you've walked away...

So it's been a while since we did part,
I hope you followed the right star;
Yes, I still love you for all that you were
And all that you had let me be,
But this time I'm not the friend in need.

Parasites

~ Ever felt weary of how people walk in... just to walk away in the end?


Looking back on the past, don't you wonder
What it was that had pulled you under?
You thought that it was gone for good,
But how could you have thought that so soon it would?
So many people, so many years,
Newer bonds and newer fears -
Always there, engulfing you
Corrupting your judgment, that's all they do.
People do come, and then they leave
While they stay, they make you believe;
At a crucial time, they slip out of the frame,
Taking torn pieces of you with them.
Still time erodes and time does heal,
But then you don't know how to feel;
It just leaves you somewhere in between,
What good is rising amidst only ruins?
And just when you think you've started afresh,
In the gaping cuts you've grown new flesh.
That's when they use their razor-end claws,
And on the leftover scars they begin to draw.
So you scream and you yell, you can take no more
While you bleed, they walk out your door;
They never look back, not even for a glance,
And you curl up in another gory trance.
In your wounded state for years or hours,
You wonder why you gave them that power -
The power they nurtured until the point
It could burn your tissues and crack your joints.
Once again, you are left all broken and bent
By now, it's hardly called an accident;
You know that it's happened again and again -
This deadly flaw of your judgment.
So with a groan of pain, you finally reach out
To gather your pieces with a mind full of doubt,
And you hide behind yet another shroud,
Disappearing into an unknown crowd.
And then you vow and you solemnly swear
To walk alone, never going back in there;
And above all, you'll never again care
So that in the end there's nothing to fear.
But tell me, please, with all honesty,
For how long your promise do you keep?
How long before your steps you retrace,
And hold the familiar pain in your embrace?

Metathesiophobia ~ The Fear of Changes

It's not that I'm not open-minded. I am. But I have this one weakness ~ a phobia for changes. You get introduced to something new, you learn to accept it, you get accustomed to it, you find comfort and peace within it.... and then, suddenly, it changes. And you wonder why you were introduced to it in the first place. Now that's scary, call me weird or whatever.

If you want to look for the greatest example of "changes", just take a trip down the memory lane and think of all the different friend circles you've had. How many remained the way they originally were? How many could you hold on to and keep unaltered? If you have been able to do so for the majority, then you're one lucky person. Sadly for others, you're also very rare. 

When I first began school, I had two best friends. Okay, we were only six, we fought every single day and turned against each other every hour. But that was all a part of growing up. Gradually, we learned. We bonded as we grew. At one point, I thought we were inseparable. But was I right? Unfortunately, no. Now I barely talk to those two. With one of them, I can still laugh and have fun, but we hardly spend any time together. With the other, my relation is very formal. And how are things between those two? Hah! They don't even speak or look at each other. When we began school, it was always the three of us. And when school is about to end after all these years, all of us are not even on good terms. It just feels sad when you think of it that way.

Then I had another friend circle. Two other girls. Again, it was the three of us. Both of them left school. One of them was transformed into the biggest nerd and got crippled under academic pressure. Then she left the country. The other one, well, just chose to take a different path and became a slut. Wow. In the end, I don't communicate all that much with either of them, especially the latter.

Yet another friend circle. Seven people. It was awesome while it lasted. Our friendship seemed never-ending. Well, of course it wasn't all that. One of these friends left us, she got tired of her life and sadly snuffed it. This was the most traumatic incident in my entire school life. May her soul rest in peace, and may the Almighty forgive her for taking the liberty of ending her own life.
Then we moved up a grade and things were still good among the rest of us. We were also joined by another new friend and life rolled on. Eventually, we moved up yet another grade and the sections were divided. That's when history repeated itself. One of the girls fell in love, got hurt a few times, became way too emo and got detached from us. She confided in only one or two people and lied to the rest, so a distance was created right there. And then she left school.
Another friend got struck by a powerful dose of lameness. I have no idea what happened to her, but soon enough she became all muted and boring. She'd spend her time studying and looking like she's irritated with the whole world, absolutely in no mood for fun. And eventually, it became really difficult to start a proper conversation with her although she was probably the closest to me before.
One of the remaining friends had enough problems to deal with at home. She left the school. She'd seem more distant than before. It wasn't her fault, but things weren't exactly the same as before although I'd take my hat off to her in appreciation of her efforts.
Then, yet another friend  left school. This girl was probably the liveliest of all. She's still doing her best in keeping up a good friendship with all of us, but it's just not the same when you're not in the same institution and you don't get to spend much time together. And people will eventually get busy with their own lives, that's only natural.

Now that leaves me with only two friends from that group. One of them is a very old friend from the original circle, and the other is the new friend that joined us midway. We seem stable, but I've learned enough to keep my fingers crossed for luck. However, I feel that what I have with these two is more than mere friendship. We proudly call it sisterhood. But I can't help wondering... what would happen if we got separated and went to different institutions? Would we be able to keep this up? I pray that the Almighty gives us the ability to do so. That is all I can hope for now. Fortunately, the three of us were joined by another awesome friend. He's always being the grown-up and babysitting us, so he's considered our daddy! If it sounds weird, I suggest you don't continue reading my blog. Because my life revolves around these three people. My sisters and my daddy. Who said it has to be a biological family? We're as good as any perfect family! And when I say that daddy is always being the grown-up, don't mistake him for a very serious or boring person! He's the most hilarious living being that I know of. And he can be absolutely retarded and as crazy as one can possibly be! It's just that he also has an unbelievably mature core. Despite being only seventeen, he's probably more mature than many middle-aged people! And he's the BEST at taking care of all of us. 

These three people are the most important ones in my life, right after my biological family :P
Friends, I have many. But I don't have such a bond with any of the others. It's not that the four of us never have ups-and-downs. We definitely do. But I believe that perfection does NOT lie in never facing trouble. Having the courage and strength to overcome the hurdles is what makes us perfect. So, you see, I'm happy with what I have now.. because I have a LOT... But it also means that I have a LOT to lose. So, at times I'm just scared, really really scared... 'Cause I have no idea how I will EVER adapt to a change in THIS friend circle (Read: Family). But if you've ever read my previous posts, you 'll know that I try my best not to worry. I'm more concerned with making a beautiful today  =)

There's a reason why I'm scared of April. I mentioned it before.  I was going through a lot of shit in my life a while back (This shit was previously referred to as the cataclysm, if you've read my third post). This cataclysm had shown up one April, in the disguise of a blissful gift. Then that changed too, didn't it? All the bliss began to turn into disaster once April was over. And if you've read my third post, you'll also have heard about The Temporary Radiance. The thing is, this radiance had shone with the greatest intensity another April. From the very first day of  that divine April. But it was temporary. The radiance is just a memory now. But I'll be forever in debt to that light for it drove away the cataclysm.

You probably think I'm the most complicated person in the whole world, but not really :P
It's just that I tend to 'metaphorize' my stories so that I don't have to write down the facts too directly. If you're wise enough, you'll have understood that the cataclysm and the radiance are actually two different people. And both of them had appeared before me with the greatest prominence on two different Aprils. The point I'm trying to make is that, simply, the month of April has always been eventful. Each event began as a very pleasant one, until it gradually died out. I wonder if they have a scientific name for the fear of April? 

I'm not emo. That's an honest proclamation. I'm doing well now. But you already know about my weakness. I have metathesiophobia. Other than that, I'm quite a strong person. One of my best friends (Daddy) had jokingly advised me to hibernate during this April so that I don't give a chance for any such events to take place. But I doubt that hibernation would've been a solution. I'm very prone to changes, especially during this weird month.

To most people, everything I've been writing is absolute gibberish. But to those who know me well, it probably makes sense. God, I sound so weird. Even to myself. This indicates something: I should end this post right here. And I should find something else to do for a change. Wait, did I say CHANGE? Oh no.

AwFooly April

Okay, so officially there are 40 days left till my exams. I'm not even freaking out anymore. It's pointless. You think this sudden courage is because I'm fully prepared? Haha, good joke -_-
It's not that I suck at the academic shit, but I could definitely use some more practice. And a LOT more concentration. Specially in maths. Maths has always been my weakest subject, but I've been doing fairly well.. The worst part is that I make the silliest mistakes. They ask me to find the area of a  freaking circle, and I give them the circumference -__- ... I copy the question wrong. I forget to place the freaking minus signs! -__-
It's not even like I don't know the formula and stuff; it's just that I wasn't paying enough attention to the question. Then what WAS I doing, you ask? Oh, I don't know. There was a couple of times when I lost a lot of marks just because I skipped two pages while flipping through the question paper. Now that is unacceptable at this point. One of my teachers advised me to wet my fingers with spit before turning the page so that I don't skip. Gross. But still, he's got a point.
To top things off with shit, my first exam is MATHS -_-
It's like they're trying to demoralize me and make me suck in all the following exams. And this is not even some school midterm or annual thingy. This is 'O' LEVELS, for crying out loud! Okay, maybe I AM still freaking out a little. And maybe more than just a little. But does that mean I'm going to give up all forms of entertainment and shut myself up in a desolate room just to study? Sadly, no. That's not me. I'd rather revise the night before the exam. Okay, maybe a few nights before, since this is 'O' levels we're talking about.

I have always been kind of afraid of April. You know, the exams are a month away. Everyone around you is crazy. It's like they're more worried than you are. Makes you feel a teeny bit guilty, if you know what I mean.. And then you think of all that you could have been doing instead of preparing for the exams. And then I think of last April, it was the wildest time of my life. One of my best friends (also referred to as my sister) and I declared ourselves as VAGABONDS and we went about vagabonding for an entire month. No, this isn't just some ordinary "bidding farewell to family and seeing the world" trip. We would leave home every afternoon and return after evening. It's just that all of it was so ILLEGAL (Read: Unknown to parents). You know, breaking the rules has a whole lot of thrill in it. I'll probably write about vagabonding in details another day. Because it will take me HOURS to explain how unbelievably awesome it was. Yeah, but then eventually you just get caught by the adults and then they ground you for a while and make sure you never go sneaking off again. But for how long does that stop you? I'll also discuss that some other day.

April is just weird, you know. In one way or the other, it ends up being the best month of my year, only to end very soon, taking away all the awesomeness it brought along. Kind of like it just made a fool out of me. Yeah, sometimes I feel that I'm the perfect example of an April Fool. I could go on and on about this, but I kind of decided that I will not complain about what I don't have (or what I've lost), so yeah.. whatever happens is always for the best. ~ It feels good to believe that.

I had been attending all these extra classes after school (coaching and shit) to prepare for my 'O' levels. But now I've stopped those classes, because April and May should be my "Study at home in peace" time. Well, that's my MOM's plan. The reason I'm saying this is because it feels so weird, you know. To shift outside a regular routine. As tiring as they were, those afternoon classes gave me a chance to have some variety in my daily routine. For the best part, I got to see my friends for a long period of time. Now that's going to change. And people who know me will understand the seriousness of the situation.. because, I ABSOLUTELY HATE CHANGES! -__-

And now I'm at home. I will not be seeing any of my friends today. Or tomorrow. My mock exams at school begin on the 3rd. That's two days away. There's nothing to revise, really. I'll just go and find something to do now. This post was kind of random, but I just wrote what I was thinking. And I'm not always going to write high-thought stuff.. That would be a little weird.. but oh well, I'll leave it here for now.