Bleh.

So, it's just another winter vacation. I'm done with my midterms. The exams didn't go anything near as good as they should have. But, with little preparation and much procrastination, how much can one ask for in the first place?
Whatever. That's not even important. At least not until the moment when a parent goes to collect the results.
I don't have any plans yet, except for the lazy indoor ones. But then, again, all the fun that ever happens around me are the most random stuff. So, with hopes of an enjoyable vacation, I am just going to be lazy and cherish freedom for the moment.

Also, a side note: This blog post is a retarded one where I just write stuff 'cause it's been a while since I did that here.
Life's just uneventful and all.
Yeah, right! I wish! :P

October, 2012.

So, the month of October is finally coming to an end. I thought that I'd blog about the whole month at the very end of it, but then there were a few things that I just HAD to note down from time to time before forgetting.

The thing is, I always wait for October because it's my birthday month and the weather's really pretty. Truth be told, this was my best October and I thank the Almighty for it. My seventeenth birthday was undoubtedly one of the few best days of my seventeen years of life, if not the VERY best. The effort that was put into it by my dearest and not-so-dearest friends was unimaginable. I was given the most amazing surprise party, the most heartfelt wishes, the most creative presents.
When your friends work hard to give a tune to a special poem that you once wrote, and it gets turned into a beautiful song, you can't help but get teary-eyed at the thoughtfulness of it all.
And then I received the best birthday present I have ever had, 'cause God knows how much I really wished I had it - the hard copy of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".
The best part? The cover's blue in color, with yellow writing, and has Emma Watson on it! <3 EEEEEEEEEE! :D
Truly blessed I am.

So, birthdays are supposed to make you feel special, and luckily, the entire month has treated me that way. Parts of it were philosophical and practical, of course. Though I was reminded all over again, during discussions and notes, that things will one day change and friends will drift apart, both physically and mentally - I was also left with the belief that this doesn't have to happen today. And until the day arrives, we can keep on trying. I had pondered upon the idea of Nothing Lasts Forever, but then again, had I really found anything worth making an exception for? And now I look at my friends, and I just know that they are worth every fight.

"I know that one day we will be in different parts of the world, you doing whatever it is that successful genetic engineers do and, I, perhaps wiping the floors of NASA. And we'll be married to people we won't even know before a few years from now. Even then, I hope that you will call me up sometimes, just to complain about PMS or tell me that you're on your period."
^ When your best friend tells you that, how can you not have hopes of Forever?

Also, while Autumn leaves and makes way for yet another winter, I realize that it's okay to take chances, to stop thinking collectively for a moment and to live certain parts of your life without the walls.

More Than Mere Metathesiophobia?

I tell myself that this sudden sadness is just due to the fact that I hate changes, whatever it is. And, against all odds, I sincerely HOPE that I am right.

When you're stuck in the moment while the world moves too fast ~ There's no word for it.

Every once in a blue moon, I get to think over this beautiful blessing known as life and can't find a word to describe what I feel about it. But if I describe the situation and surroundings, maybe you'll understand and view life in the way I saw it during those moments.

It's when you're sitting on a park bench late in the half-wintry evening, gazing up through the gaps in the foliage, and seeing the moon, while your friend sits next to you, drinking Coca Cola. This friend is a person with whom you're always very crazy and animated. But not on this evening.

Eventually, she follows your gaze up towards the moon, and you two just sit there n silence, for several moments. Until...

"I want to cry," you state. 

And she says, "Me too."

But it's not weird to either of you. And so you cry. Then she offers you coke, because if she drinks too much of it, she'll need to pee. And you can't drink because you're laughing too hard. And you're crying too. And spitting out coke into the dark evening surroundings. Then your friend tries to help you out, but you cannot believe the situation. You end up grabbing her hand and making her feel the tears escaping down your cheeks, just because you find them so impossible and want a witness. She says she'd have stored those special tears but they've already evaporated. And you tell her to shut up because science cannot begin to explain the moment in which you two found yourselves suddenly. She obeys. It's silent again.

It's the moment when you're listening to "The Only Exception" playing on your phone, and you're wondering who it is. Or who it will be. 

Then you discuss with your friend about the generations before you and wonder what life has done to them to make them who they are today. You tell your friend about how this mutual best friend of your parents recently came over to visit a few days in a row, and at one point, your parents found it odd. And you thought that there must have been a time, decades ago, when these three friends would die to see one another every single day. Then you wonder what life will one day do to you.

Eventually, you end up leaving the park and settling down in an empty balcony attached to a crowded classroom. The air conditioner drips on you and the mosquitoes buzz their somnolent drones all around, but you can still see a part of the sky, and in that moment, that is all you really need. 

You end up listing some of the silly little things you want to do before you die. 

You want to ride on the back of a pick-up truck, feeling free.

You want to gatecrash some strangers' wedding and hug the bride before you leave.

You want to sneak up on a random busy pedestrian from behind, clap your hands over his/her eyes, and ask "Guess who?"

You want to instantly kiss an unknown guy (preferably unmarried :P ) just because he said something supportive about feminism.

You want to sway to a musical moment with someone on the roof of a high-rise building.

You want to lie flat on your back on a rooftop and spend an entire night looking up at the sky.

The wishes are endless.

Then you talk to your friend about all the people around you, all those who matter and all those who never will. Your friend helps you make a list of all those who have already had their reality-checks and all the ones who need one badly. You talk about another friend and the relationship she is in. You wonder who she'll become when she marries the guy. Or who she'll become if she never gets to marry him. And you talk about another friend who'll probably end up having an arranged marriage because no girl will ever be able to cope up with the way his mind works. And then you both laugh and promise to be present on all your friends' weddings, including each other's.
After that, you shift your thoughts in the direction of your siblings. You two wonder what your respective oh-so-annoying little brothers will turn out to be in the future. You try to picture what your brother's face will look like when he goes out with the first girl he falls in love with and what it will look like if he never gets to go out with her. And you wonder who these kids will become once life has happened to them.
Next, your friend helps you figure things out. You realize that some people will appreciate you because they love you, instead of loving you because they appreciate you. You realize that some people will love you so much that they will never even want to be with you. You realize that some people who once loved you will end up being only a memory to be recollected while you're having an ice-cream. You realize that some people, despite having a disliking towards you, will accept you publicly, just because you seem to be loved by others. And you realize that you don't really want any of that. What you actually want is what you really need. And what you need takes time. And that's okay. That was always okay.
With the world changing at a breakneck speed , and being taken over by overrated modernization, you realize that sometimes all you need is an old-fashioned Christopher Columbus who will help you discover yourself using the most genuine, natural methods. And that's when you gaze up one more time and thank the Almighty for such an evening with such a friend.

Phases

At times, it seems that certain people are not there for you. Like, they abandoned you for no good reason. And you miss them and start getting scared because you think that everything has changed permanently.
But then, one day, when you're in a horrible state, they are suddenly there again. They help you out in the most subtle way, giving you moral support, defending you in front of others and making you laugh about the very things that may have been bothering you. And they ask you to be emo just because they miss taking care of you. Now, that is special. And such people are special. It just feels good to know that, for once, nothing at all has changed, and the dear ones never really left. People go through phases, and that's okay. 'Cause in the end, what matters is that they are there for you when you need them the most. What more could one ask for? :)

Resistance

You know, at times you just want to do something. Some random thing. And you feel all unsettled till it's done. You want to do it just because of the circumstance that presents itself in front of you right at that instant. That's what it is, really. A spur of the moment. And you know, in that instant, it is THE thing to do. But then, fortunately or unfortunately, your rational side dominates and you think of the consequences that will result later on from the action. You then consider what they'll say, do, and worst of all, think. And then it's gone, the moment. You wonder if it will EVER recur in exactly the same manner and whether you'll then have the chance to fulfill the sudden whim you just experienced. Will it be okay to go along with your impulse the next time? Or will it just be the same? And if the old rational realization strikes you once more, will you resist and back off from your instincts again? Or will you want to make a difference and not think collectively, but ONLY for yourself, once in a lifetime? If you do, will it really be worth the consequences?

Autumn

I have always loved the fact that my birthday is in autumn. Autumn has this amazing feeling of a junction, where you switch from the summer's warmth and prepare yourself for the beautiful winter. It's a buffer, somewhere in the middle, a very comfortable zone. And the weather is lovely too, most of the time :)

As tranquil as autumn is, I always seem to get all nervous and fidgety as my birthday approaches. This has not been so since forever, but maybe for a while. It's just that my birthday comes once in a year, well, obviously. And although it is just another day, it IS my birthday. And that's supposed to mean something to me. While my birthday draws nearer now, as thrilled as I am, I have this sense of edginess, because, what if this ONE day of the year turns out to be no special than the rest? Sure, I'd still appreciate life and all, but even then, shouldn't this day stand out, just by a bit? I have had good birthdays, and for that I am grateful. I have also had a horrible one that I wish to forget. But the majority was good, and hence, I feel blessed :)

So, as I anxiously wait for the 12th of October, I pray that it goes well. If not special, I hope that it's at least like any other good day and that nothing goes wrong. That'll be enough for me, really. And I hope that I'm ready to be seventeen by then, 'cause right now, it feels quite far away.

Ambiguity

If I were to talk to an old friend right now, with whom I have not talked in a while, and the friend should ask me what has been up with me, I would simply answer with a nonchalant “Nothing much” and talk about ‘A’ Levels for a bit. But the truth is, a lot is actually up. Cascades of incidents are happening, and very fast, too. The problem, however, is that I cannot name the things that are occurring ; I just cannot put a finger on the precise words. Nor can I describe accurately what is currently going on with me, and maybe that’s because too much is being kept in the dark while a bunch of other things are being brought forth, all too quickly. And I hardly know which is which, or, what goes where.

Perhaps this is one of those times when I can say that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

Rise and Fall and Rise, and Then?

It’s been over a month since my last blog post. And, as weird as it was to abandon it at ‘Panic!’, I just did not feel like blogging until right now. Maybe my sudden desire to blog again is due to the fact that I realize that I have SO much to study right now, and I’d rather do something else, ANYTHING else, instead.

As for the panic, it ended well. Achieving an ‘O’ Levels result of seven A*s and one ‘A’ was something that I could only dream of ever since my cousin’s results came out last year. Managing to secure the exact same grades in reality was nothing but a dream that came true last month, and I could not have asked for more. The one 'A' grade is quite an achievement, since it was gifted to me by the subject Further Pure Mathematics, which had been my phobia. So that is enough for me. And I’m just happy that I could manage to keep an A* in English. It is, after all, the most disaster-prone subject and also my pride :) So yeah.

I, myself, was freaked out by the way I literally SOBBED when I FINALLY saw my grades online at 6 a.m. on the 23^rd of August. It wasn’t happiness, well maybe only partially, but mostly it was tremendous relief.  And the instant my mom joined in with me, I knew that I needed nothing more. Not at that moment, at least. This was followed by a wonderful visit from my beloved grandmother and aunt at 6:30 a.m., congratulatory phone-calls, gift money (:P), various other presents, celebratory outings and dinners, etc.

And I could not be more grateful to the Almighty for letting me live up to the expectations of SO many people who happen to be SO concerned about me. But, above all, my parents, God knows how much I disappointed them repeatedly at one point in time. Not just disappointed, they were hurt by what I’d do and how I’d be most of the time. They would lose hope again and again, thinking I was a lost case, but refusing to believe so. And a lost case was exactly what I had appeared to be at that point. This is something I never discussed too openly with anyone. Only strong beings like parents would have the strength to reconstruct dreams that had been so dreadfully shattered, and that’s what mine did, time and time again. I can only imagine how much my rapid academic deterioration in the 8^th and 9^th grade affected them, when they were so used to seeing me excel at academics all throughout my school life. What good would admirable elementary school results do me if I would be declining in high school, a pivotal point of my life? ‘Cause all is well that ends well.And I’m happy that I could give this to my parents in my final chance.

I know that I still have VERY far to go, and that this is only the top of the first flight of stairs. Amidst all the celebration, no one failed to remind me of that. And I’m glad that they did bring this up again and again while congratulating me. Because, as well aware as I am of this fact, it is often easy to forget the impending journey while you are basking in your own glory for a prolonged period of time :P

Educational matters have suddenly become SO demanding that I have grown a little tired of it already. Continuous pressure, pissed-off teachers, failed deadlines and anxious parents are already revolving around me, and it’s only the beginning of the term! :O -_-

All of this has now been topped with increased expectations, but I believe that is a blessing. Time, however, is VERY limited now and I’m already procrastinating more than ever before. Seriously, this blog post itself is a result of my procrastination in studying! :P
I must really pull myself out of this. But not today. Tomorrow maybe? :) 

Panic!

Results! 'O' Levels results! At midnight! I'm freaking out! Help? Please?  :|

Live and Let Live =)

Have you ever made someone's day and known it? The awesome feeling of contribution to someone's happiness, however momentary, is one to cherish.
It doesn't matter whether the person is someone dear to you or a complete stranger, just that moment of fulfillment is enough to give you the sense of achievement that you need.
If you have ever felt like that, then you have truly lived.

Definitions

You know how you read a book, really love it and then relate to it all the time? Well, that's what keeps happening to me ever since I finished reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. I read it a while ago and did not begin a new book even when I could manage the time, because I felt that I was not yet done appreciating the one I last read.

This book has altered my perspectives towards certain issues and enhanced my perspectives of other ones. I often find myself defining different words, situations and stories in terms of the wonders mentioned in this masterpiece.

For example, the definition of the name Sam, in my mindset, is - An unconventionally beautiful, amazing senior who happens to be in love with the wrong person.

Patrick - No, this doesn't make me think of an awesome, homosexual person. The definition of this name is always - A pink starfish! xD
So this is an exception, but Spongebob Squarepants is always awesome! =D

Bill - An intellectual, caring person who loves to teach.

Charlie - A boy who thinks about the tiniest of details, takes a while to fit in, has the kindest heart and suffers socially until he finds his perfect place.

Infinite - The way you feel when you ride a pickup truck in a tunnel, just before you see the lights at the other end  =')

French fries - A day with mom at Mac Donald's  xD

Photographs - Something with which you capture the beauty of a person. No matter who the person is, there is always something beautiful you can find and appreciate.

At the Center of the Crossroads . . .

At times, you just don't know what's true and what's not. There are things that could be either, 'cause nobody said it was true, nor did anyone say it was not. So you just assume. But what DO you assume?

One of my closest friends, and definitely my wisest one, tells me all the time that we, human beings, always tend to assume the worst. In that way, we're prepared for the greatest blow. Anything better than the worst is just a bonus and that makes us happy. 

I have always agreed and believed in his theory, and I still do. But what happens when you don't know what  would be the worst? What if you aren't sure whether it would be worse if the answer to your unspoken question was a positive or a negative? What if you drew up a mental flowchart and then it just got stuck at one point and stopped flowing any further? What if there was a dead end? Which branch, which tributary, which path of the crossroad would you take then? What would you have assumed when you hadn't known what could be the worst?

Awesomeness

Vacation? So far so good :D
December? Not exactly repeating yet :D
Life? Awesome :D

Back to December? -_-

Shit happens. I've heard this way too many times. I've known this way too well. So, yeah. I don't see why there's any need to panic or become emo. I'm not exactly emo though. I'm not panic-stricken either. I don't even know the word for it. Maybe I'm just tired. And scared? No, not really. Or maybe, yes, up to an extent.

Whatever. Shit happens. But, really, what the hell? Back to December? No, thank you, I'll pass. Oh, wait. Fate doesn't really care about my opinion. It just went ahead and played its cards. AS USUAL -__-

Recurring Shit?

Great. Just what I was afraid of. Precisely what I didn't need. There goes my vacation!
-__-
Life may be beautiful. Actually, I'm sure it is. But, at the moment, NO.

In The Zone

Two-thirteenth done! Eleven more exams to go. I've got exams everyday of this week, and two on Friday! But I'm in the zone now, it's not so bad :D

And, then, it's here...

Maths exam in just a few hours!
Suffering from nausea.
Oh my God! Now I'm officially panicked!

Perfect Pampering

One good thing that has come out of the upcoming exams is that,all those around me are treating me like I'm royal (my brother would be an obvious exception, naturally).
For the past few days, my parents have been allowing me to wake up at around 10:00 in the morning because they know I'm not really a morning person. Once I retire to my room after breakfast, my dad asks me if he could get me tea or any other beverage. I politely decline because I like to make my own tea when I want it. Yesterday, I was hungry at around 9:00 pm, but not hungry enough for dinner. I casually mentioned this in front of my dad, and he hurried down to the nearest CP outlet to get me something to eat, despite my million protests. And then they're constantly trying to make sure I'm as comfortable as possible. It's really nice, you know. I mean, I've always known how my parents care for me unconditionally and I don't want them to worry too much, but they're really trying to keep me calm and relaxed. It's just so thoughtful, I can't help but appreciate it. These things are often taken for granted. And this treatment is not just coming from my parents, but also extended family members, specially my amazing grandmothers and my aunt. They keep asking me whether I need any stationery or other stuff, what I wish to eat, what they can cook for me, whether I want to go anywhere, etc.
As for my parents, they are now more concerned about keeping me in good spirits. They're giving me my space. They let me watch all my favorite TV programs, they allow me sufficient social time for Facebook and communicating with friends, they let me throw the house into chaos with loud music, and my family even goes on long drives about twice a week just like we always used to before the exams knocked on the door.
When I legally have time for all these, I don't really find it necessary to take time out of my studying hours to engage in such leisure activities. So, even if I do spend a smaller amount of time with my textbooks, I pay undivided attention to the revision during that time. And above all, I'm in a constant good mood, and that always helps!

Last Minutes

I got my statement of entry yesterday. It's this weird greenish paper and I'm supposed to treasure it till the exams are over. I also got all the timetables and the list of examination centers and some other shit.

Okay, I have like.. a week.

I just want to get this over with.

So, the last few days I had been feeling a little down, and surprisingly my irksome younger brother noticed it. He came up to me, being all annoying and saying stuff like "Awwh, my poor little sister's feeling all upset?" 

And then he starts singing the song "She Will Be Loved" to me. That was totally sweet of him.. Except, there's this part in the song that goes "Look for the girl with the broken smile".. He transformed that into "Look for the freak with the creepy eyes".

Yeah, I just feel SO loved. And he's the sweetest little thing that has ever walked on this earth.

You were once wild ; don't let them tame you . . .

We often see movies where they teach us about the importance of being ourselves and not trying to be somebody we're not. However common this theme may be, it is not one to be ignored. Being yourself is the key to growing independently as an individual. And it is not always easy to be who you really are. There will always be people who will try to alter you into something you're not. It's not always because they wish to harm you; it may be because that's who THEY are. There will be people who will try to demoralize you, make you feel inferior and parasite upon your confidence. They will make you feel insignificant, hold you below themselves at all times, and eventually persuade you to do the same.
But you do not have to give in to this disdain. You always have a choice, and no one can deprive you of it until you let them do so. The choice may be a difficult one, but it's there. Allow people to advise you; it's okay to let others help. But you must be careful while distinguishing help from harm. Respect others' opinions while voicing your own. Your view is just as important as anyone else's, no more and no less. If you're against something, stand up for it, speak against it. Don't become a victim of somebody else's condescending opinion just to avoid the chaotic consequence of a disagreement.
I've learnt one thing in life. You can never be true to someone else while you're being untrue to yourself. If you deceive yourself, you are deceiving all those around you. Know yourself, love yourself. And change only the things where YOU believe you require improvement. You aren't bound to be what others want to see in you. 
I'm not saying that you should be selfish or self-obsessed, but you must care about yourself. When you don't care about yourself, it gives a message to others: I don't give a shit about myself and you shouldn't waste time bothering about me either. 
But when you do make an effort and investment on yourself, it tells others: I care about myself and my own good, and you should do the same because I'm worth it.
You will miss out on a lot if you don't set your spirit free and keep it that way.


When I think about all that I've been through - the inferiority complex, the lack of confidence, the constant fear - I happen to regret the turning point that occurred in my life precisely three years ago from today. Growing up, always being surrounded by the most loving family and friends, it was no easy feat when I plunged into a completely different universe where none of those were allowed to exist - your universe. You were insecure, weren't you? You were scared that I would leave because you considered yourself unworthy? Well, why couldn't you just be straightforward about your problem? Why did you have to convince me that I'd gotten more than I deserved, just so that I would never seek anything else? Had nobody ever taught you that you must set your loved one free? Sometimes you have to take chances. I had given up everything, hadn't I, just so that I could fit myself into your lonely little world?
I'm glad I realized the mistake before it was too late. When I came back to my senses, I still had a little time left to hurry back to my realm and try to regain all that I had thrown away because of you. I will always be eternally grateful to those few people who helped me rebuild the bridges that I had burnt: all the bridges that led back to my world, which has always been full of people I love: people who love me for who I am.

When I look back on all of this, I'm overcome by mixed emotions. But don't you ever think that I'm blaming you. I'm not. That's who YOU are. It's my fault that I'd given you that power to tame me and make me lose myself. But then again, no regrets. If it weren't for this experience of nearly two years, I wouldn't have completely known myself and my capacity. I've learned never to limit myself, all thanks to you. You taught me the hard way, but a lesson is a lesson, and a lesson is always valuable. And I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you about my opinions, but trust me, I was lying to myself as well, trying to convince myself all the while that our opinions were the same. I don't know how you're doing now, but I can proudly say that I'm better than ever before, and I sincerely wish the same for you. If you hadn't tried to alter me into you, I wouldn't have known who I really was. The difference between the two of us was a real eye-opener. Thank you.


~ It is commonly said that the person worth your sacrifice is the one who'll never ask you to give anything up. However common this saying may be, this is something else that must not be ignored. It's very true, no matter how cheesy it may sound. When you find the right person who is worth the forfeit, that certain person will never ask you to do so. Only then will you ever have a win-win situation.

Reaching For Dawn

When you feel that you're falling away
Exhausting your reserve of endless strength
Everyone around you is running a race
Yet you are left behind, frozen in your place
I'll pause, I'll wait
I'll even battle against fate
I will do all that I can
Just reach out for my hand
And once you catch your breath
You will know where I stand.

Time will erode and it will pass you by
Perhaps you must rise to give it another try
If you feel the world weighing down on your back
Burdened by the shame of all that you lack
And if it seems to you that the final scar has been drawn
Remember that the night is always the darkest before dawn

When there's not a soul around
Everyone is on his destined way
You can feel that hopeful tune begin to cease
Haunted by the ghost of all the memories
I promise to stand still
And I'll be waiting there till
You're able to catch up with me
And hold on to all that remains
We can take time to rest our eyes
If it helps to easy your pain.

Time will erode and it will pass you by
Perhaps you must rise to give it another try
If you feel the world weighing down on your back
Burdened by the shame of all that you lack
And if it seems to you that the final scar has been drawn
Remember that the night is always the darkest before dawn.

When you're worn out, lying low
Buried beneath all that you know
Just remember what I said
And you'll know where I wait,
Not very far away.

Cherished

~ Just one of those times when I feel very lucky, appreciative and inspired...

Cherished

Look into the crowd, so many faces all around,
Some bear frowns, others wear a smile,
A few just break down and cry for a while;
Each with a different past, a unique story left behind.

See that little girl with the tangled hair,
Tattered clothes, her tiny feet bare,
Walking along the road, through the pitch and sand,
Pretty flowers in her tender hands?
She stops by a car, a smile upon her face,
The precious flowers held in a dear embrace.
But the passenger wants no flower today,
And without a second glance, waves her away.
So she speeds off to the next car
Perhaps they'll buy a rose from her;
As the day wears on, she runs hither and thither
While her smile and flowers slowly wither.

Do you see the fragile man in that old home,
On the balcony, sitting all alone?
He looks up to the sunny sky, and after one long sigh,
Remembers the red kite he once used to fly;
Those were the golden times, the fresh village air,
His boyhood passed without a single care;
Surrounded by all those he dearly loved,
Flying his beloved kite high above.
He's still a lucky man, as he will tell you,
He's got sons and daughters, and grandchildren, too.
But he hasn't seen them in a thousand days,
Since they all live a thousand miles away.

Look, there's that young man, rushing off to work,
Won't be returning home till it's after dark.
As he drives by, it will be clear to you,
That he's prosperous, very well-to-do.
But those dark shadows beneath his bloodshot eyes
Tell the tale of a sad man dwelling in joyful lies.
He hates every moment spent in his grand home,
Where he is left utterly on his own.
A long decade ago, he lost the love of his life
Ever since, he's been locked up in his lonesome hive.
He had the most flawless future planned out in his head,
And now he's haunted by the ghost of the dreams long dead.

Look around and see the faces in the crowd,
The sun will find a way out through the clouds.
So don't be weary, 'cause life will carry
All that's beautiful is temporary.
Now just live and love all that you've been given,
We all lose, gain, and sometimes break even;
You've got more luck than many out there,
So why not cherish all that's in your share?

Proscrastination

Eighteen days to go. I was just looking at the exam routine and it freaked me out. I'll have no time to revise during the exams. I'll barely have time to get enough sleep! There'll be three days on which I'll have exams in the morning as well as the afternoon. And there's almost no free days in between the others. Oh my God! Talk about stressful! But on the bright side, it will be over in a flash.
It's weird how all I think about is "after the exams" instead of focusing on revision. Some things never change. Now isn't that comforting? Where's the pressure?! I mean, sure I feel pressurized, but not enough to do anything much about it.
People who think I'm not studying because I'm emo will be sort of mistaken. I'm alright now. It's not the emoness. It's the devil perching on my shoulder in the form of idleness and procrastination.
The reason why I don't update my blog as much as before is quite valid. I don't spend as much time in front of the computer now. Not because I'm doing anything productive during that time, but simply because my parents freak out when they see me at my leisure these days. That's very natural. I'm lucky to have such cool parents who aren't kicking my ass yet.
Anyways, life is still beautiful. I should get back to my Chemistry now. Yes, I'm talking about the subject.

Doom

Nineteen days ago from today, I was just being emo about the beginning of April. And nineteen days later from today, I will be giving my first 'O' levels exam. Wow, time flies!

I.
Am.
Officially.
Doomed.

Just Another Beginning...

I just re-read an old post: "Journey within the (Yellowish) Walls". And it feels sad to think that I will not be seeing much of these yellowish walls anymore. Yesterday, we celebrated the last day of our school-life. Well, maybe it wasn't exactly the OFFICIAL last day, but since our school is not going to make any sort of occasion out of this, we just took the responsibility on our shoulders. Sure, the administration kicked us out before we even did anything; but then we began our day on the streets outside the yellowish walls. We did get to prepare within the walls though. By preparation, I mean filling balloons with water and all.

Once we were outside under the sunny sky, the color fight began! I don't remember being in such a big color fight ever before. And I couldn't have wished for a better group of people to share this experience with. A lot of our people were not present though. This was very unfortunate, but oh well, life carries on. 

In one of my previous posts, I talked about my fear of changes. I mentioned my first friends, two girls, who don't even speak to one another anymore. This had been troubling me for a long time because my first real school memories revolve around these people, and so finally, I decided to do something about it. At first, I approached one of them and asked exactly what had happened. Then, after long conversations with both of them, they were convinced that they should be on good terms at the end of this journey. This may or may not later evolve into the awesome friendship that they once shared, but for now, friendly terms is good enough. I cannot begin to describe how great this made me feel. And even if this does not work out at all, I will know that I have tried. And that does mean something.

Yesterday turned out to be one of the most memorable and amazing days in my (little more than) sixteen years of life. I keep telling myself that it's not the end, but just another beginning. When I started going to school, I didn't know what I was stepping into. And now, once again, I'm not sure of what is about to begin. Maybe that IS the beauty. The only certainty in life is uncertainty. But whatever is beginning for myself, I want all these special people to be in this with me once again. All these people who made the yellowish walls so tolerable, so memorable, and even so lovable. I don't like changes, as I've said a million times before, but it's time to accept the fact that there will always be changes. One more wonderful than the previous, or maybe more painful than all the ones before it. But in the end, life is beautiful: as beautiful as you make it, and as beautiful as you let others make it for you.

Dread

~ This was written by me in August, 2011. The inspiration came from the song "The Last Cigarette" by Bon Jovi. This writing does not reflect my life in any way. It's just supposed to be something creative. Also, this is from a guy's point of view. And yes, my best friend suggested the title for this writing, so the title selection credit goes to her  =)


Dread

Crawling through dark passageways
Past the cobwebs inside my head,
Splashing in pools of lies,
Staring out of bloodshot eyes.

I fight to find peace in my mind,
Ignorance was far too kind;
Though I know you're on the move,
Can't believe you're gone for good.

Smoke rising from yet one more cigarette,
The music playing used to be your favorite;
I've tried to create our atmosphere,
Was isolation all I feared?

My exhausted eyes play tricks on me,
I'm seeing you where I think you should be:
Sitting by the cackling fireplace,
The flame reflecting off your tired face.

I can hear your voice in the air,
Radiating from the concrete layers;
It haunts, it taunts, it mocks even more,
And I regret not hearing your cries before.

Looking round my stagnant room I see
All the objects that witnessed you and me,
I wonder if they could ever tell
That you would leave before farewell.

And the old wall clock still ticks by,
Its hands are tired, but never die.
Don't you think they're a lot like me,
Circling in a frame, never free?

In parts of me, the stubborn memories linger
How delicate your hair felt beneath my fingers;
The old visions fade, but they leave a trace,
Like the ashes that lie in my fireplace.

Destination?

~ But you must have been North, for I had nothing to do,
... My stubborn compass led me right back to you.

And They Light Up My Dark . . .

So, I'm happy today. The day didn't start out that great. For one thing, I woke up to the sound of a violent storm raging outside. I looked out the window, thought it was nighttime by seeing the intensity of the darkness, and tried to sleep again. Then, noticing that it was actually 8:00 in the morning, I rose to find my window seal flooding with rain. So, if morning really did make the day, my day was doomed.

Eventually, the storm began to retreat, though it remained cloudy. I called up one of my best friends, just because I was bored. We talked for a long time after a long time! She updated me with all the news that I had missed out on. Turns out things were pretty eventful and aggressive yesterday. So yeah. Then we talked about some philosophy. And lastly, we reminisced about our childhood. The awesome, hilarious memories! Unfortunately, she was not a part of my childhood and I was not a part of hers. This is because I had already stepped into my teenage when I befriended her. Talking to her was awesome, though. I forgot that I had been feeling under the weather, like literally. We cherished our childhood times, and finally concluded that the most amazing thing is that, in our hearts, we're still children. We still run around like crazy in parks, climb slides, chase cats, fling off our sandals and run down the stairs barefooted, and what else, what not! We don't HAVE to grow up. Retaining one's inner child is a wonderful thing. And then we appreciated all that we have. This particular friend is seemingly the emo-est of the bunch. Her optimism boosted my spirits. At the end of the conversation, both of us were determined to make the best out of the present instead of worrying too much about what has happened or what may happen.

Later today, I talked to another one of my closest friends. He gave me a funnier version of yesterday's aggressive events. Before long, I was laughing like crazy even though we spoke of danger. Then we started talking about the most random and insignificant people. Turns out this weird, arrogant girl is starting to have a crush on this particular friend. He was telling me about how much it freaks him out while she always giggles and cheer-leads for him when he's playing carom. There are other tell-tale signs of this hilarious crush and I began tormenting my friend without further delay. I annoyed him till he begged for mercy and pleaded with me so that I don't spread this new gossip. Just to irritate him further, I kept trying to convince him that this new discovery has the potential of developing into something beautiful, while he continued to protest in exasperation. I laughed till I had to clutch my sides to keep them from hurting. It reminded me of how I should be making "A Beautiful Today", which I was doing quite successfully right then.

This afternoon, yet another friend contacted me. This friend, though not as close to me as my closest ones, is quite special in a different way. He is none other than the person who had once been the radiance. Of course, it's different now, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a good friend. It's funny how we talked and laughed so much today. Exactly a year ago, on the 12th of April 2011, we had met up. That day had been amazing for me. We had spent the afternoon like children, eating ice-cream and drawing pictures of Pokémons. Unlike today, the sky was sunny last year. But when we made fools of ourselves, like children, on the phone this afternoon, it felt like the sun was shining once again. I was truly appreciating all that I have.

Then, just a while ago, another best friend of mine called me up. I was delighted to hear from her. This was all that was needed to make this day absolutely perfect for me! She asked about my plans for the Bangla New Year, and tried her best to make me enthusiastic about the celebration. And she succeeded, because I found myself planning for the day as soon as I was done speaking to her. Fortunately, I also managed to tell her about the weird, arrogant girl falling for our friend. She was all too willing to spread the word. I feel so pleasantly evil.

So, yes. A great day. Though I stayed home while it rained and stormed outside, I felt surrounded by all those who matter the most to me. And the truth is, I really AM surrounded by these wonderful people, who light up my world in the darkest of hours.

Stranger Danger?

Who are you? My best friend?
Now that I think of it, I never exactly used the term "Best friend" to describe you in my books. Perhaps it's because I barely know you at all, even after all this time.
Just about a week or so ago, I randomly blurted out that I know absolutely nothing about you. In reply, you immediately pointed out that I do know you're five feet five inches tall, you're fat and you love physics. You were correct, as almost always. Yes, I know these facts. And honestly, I'm beginning to think that, along with just a few more similar facts, this is all the knowledge of you I was ever meant to have.
You say you prefer to remain indecipherable for your own valid reasons. And over the years, I've learned better than to pester you with questions that you will never willingly answer. Hence, even though I confide in you without so much as a second thought, I ask you nothing regarding yourself. And as a matter of fact, I have become quite used to this arrangement by now.
Despite all that remains absolutely unknown to me, you are one of the very few most important people in my life. And in my own way, I love you to death for who you are... whoever you are.
But at times, I just want to walk right up to you and yell right at your masked face: Our lives are as weird as we make them, no more and no less! The choice is no one's but our own! So why is it that you choose to live this way?

Just Keep Your Fingers Crossed

So, I'm learning over and over and all over again that nothing will last forever. Just when you think that you've got nothing left to lose, you build yet another bridge somewhere else. And eventually, the time comes for that bridge to break just like all the ones before it. And you think that you've had enough. Well, I've had enough.
Just when there was only one thing that I wished to hold on to for all eternity, and I would've been able to accept the loss of anything else but this, it just begins to go up in smoke. Like everything else before it. I'm surprised how all this smoke hasn't literally clogged my trachea yet. But I'm not going to be emo over this. It's not like I've never considered that this might happen. The sad truth is, even if you do predict a fallout, it's never easy to be PREPARED for it.

Anyways, enough of that. I really don't want to write anything more about it. Everyone has different destinations in the course of his/her lifetime. That's only natural. You can't keep people in one place forever. Even though it might seem like you're the only one who hasn't moved, trust me, you have. If not yet, then you will in the future.
So, yeah. Happy things.
I have a break before my last two mocks - Biology and Economics.
I'm still not studying and I doubt that I will during this break, but oh well.
So, the Bangla New Year is on it's way. 14th of April. I have absolutely NO plans. I don't know why, but I just don't have the usual zeal this year. Or maybe I do know why, but whatever. I'll just leave time to play its cards, and then let's see where I end up celebrating on that day. Really, how bad could it be? Don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question -_-

I still have a very hard time believing that school is almost over. It's so weird, man! I've got my fingers crossed for a good ending. So far, nothing's looking up. But sometimes, crossing your fingers is the best (Read: only) thing to do. Let's just wait and see; let everyone else play his/her card first. Because, for once, I've got nothing up my sleeve.

When You Had Been The Silver Lining . . .

Summer. Less than a week left for summer to officially step over the threshold in my part of the world, welcomed by some, resisted by most. And I must admit that it has truly announced itself quite well, sending heat and humidity waves to ensure that everyone is made aware of its impending arrival. That is when the sky opened up, letting all its misery fall as tears, leaving a chilly, sodden veil over the softened earth below.

I do not like the rain. The wind, however, is beautiful. And the clouds? Well, I would not have had anything against them if they did not drag into my mind the very lines from that one particular song. A song that you had so adorably sung to me, perhaps only to irritate me in good humor at that time. It was one cloudy afternoon, very much like this one, when your voice had carried itself through the murky, despairing atmosphere and calmed me down as it happened to be more divine than the wind which I found ever so reviving. I would laugh and curse you all too jokingly, being playfully annoyed while you stubbornly sang to me the song of the clouds.

To admit with utmost shame, I somewhat lack a taste for music of my own native language. Yet, the melody you hummed had triggered some very sincere euphoria within me and made me fall in love with those lines of the chorus that still ring in my ears with the same amplitude even to this day. They were questions, and they had been playfully directed towards me. At that time, however, I did not consider it necessary to answer them, for they were questions to be asked during the time of one's absence. So, the words held little literal significance back then, though I had always loved to hear the melody.

However, as I sit reminiscing today, I find this gray, soaking day to be the most appropriate time to answer the questions posed in those sublime lines of the breathtaking chorus.
... Yes, I still do lose myself absentmindedly in the land of the clouds.
... Yes, I still write pages of poetry, with nothing but you on my mind.
... And when I get caught up in the rain as the skies drizzle their melancholy all over me? Yes, my subconscious still senses your presence in every droplet even today.

Then what is it that has changed, you ask? What difference has been made when I still remain rooted precisely where you said farewell?

As the gray afternoon fades to a grayer dusk, the clouds wear the same gossamer robes of ashened purple and gloom. And burdened with the sorrowful grace of these robes, the clouds dwindle across the sky, floating ponderously above the darkened earth beneath. Though these clouds look no different from the ones that drifted on the afternoon when you sang to me that memorable tune, these are not the same cotton-like puffs that passed us by a year ago. Time. That is what made all the difference.

Boredom And What It Does To People

Power cuts? I hate them. Thank God the world cooled down a bit after the rain. I hate the rain, though. The wind is awesome, but the rain? No, not really.
Cloudy days are weird. Mostly, I'm bored. Otherwise, I'm asleep. If none of those, I become a victim of nostalgia. That usually sucks. Conclusion is, I end up doing nothing productive.Which would explain why my textbooks collected an unusual amount of dust over this weekend. 'O' levels exams are a month away. I couldn't care less. I mean, seriously, what's the point of worrying now?  I will save all the worry, though, for the night before the exams begin. Then everything will happen too fast, so I won't get too much time to think about all the scary exam stuff. Knowing myself, I will end up worrying the most right before the results. Like when you get that nauseated feeling in your stomach? That's the one. God, I'm so bored.
Why do I get so bored these days? According to my mom, I'm not even supposed to have any time for anything at all, provided that I spend all my time studying. Yeah, that explains why I DO have so much time to get bored.
Power cuts make things worse. But thanks to Gaston Leroux's "Phantom of the Opera", I have been able to pass my time reading. When I'm tired of reading, I just find someone to annoy. Mostly, it's my brother. But recently, he has told my mom that his life sucks ever since I started staying home during the afternoons. I was offended, of course, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm delightful to be around. Now I mostly give my brother the silent treatment. It will hopefully teach him a lesson. Nobody knows the worth of water until the well is dry.
So, I have resorted to annoying my friends. I either send them the random-est messages online. Or I just call them up and irritate them until they are close to tears. That's what I did with Daddy on Friday.
I should get going now. And maybe study? Or not. Who cares? We're all gonna die anyways.

Friend in Need

~ And then there are those people towards whom you will be eternally grateful though things have changed and you had to part ways... Still, could you ever forget those special sparks of luminescence that illuminated your life when you most needed it, even if it was only for a while?


Remember the December days
When you and I were in a maze,
Trying to figure out a way
From all that we were going through?
And we would laugh until we cried
While you taught me never to give up a fight,
And we'd never run out of crazy things to do
When it was just me and you.

But nothing does remain, not even the pain
I'll be on my own again, but it's okay...

Through the best and worst of times,
You and I had never failed to smile;
And even if today you walk away,
I shall not ask you to stay.
When the times comes for us to part,
I hope you'll follow the right star;
And I'll love you for all that you were
And all that you had let me be,
When I was just a friend in need.

The cool breeze tickles my skin again,
I bid farewell to the warmth and rain;
It reminds me of how it had all begun,
Born in the frost, died under the sun.
Spring had made sense in between,
But who'd known what summer had within?
The dust you kicked down as you climbed the steps -
Blocked and buried me in its depths.

'Cause nothing does remain, not even the pain
I'm on my own again, but it's okay...

I spread the wings that you'd lent me -
The ones that finally set me free;
Before you turned away like an uncertain swallow,
Only this time you did not expect me to follow.
Now that it's time for us to part,
I hope you're following the right star;
And I love you for all that you were
And all that you had let me be,
When I was just a friend in need.

And if there's a fork stuck in your path,
I hope you choose the correct track;
But if you ever come back to claim your lost and found,
Just know that I shall not be around.

'Cause nothing did remain, maybe just the pain
I was on my own again, but it's okay,
I'm okay...
Better than ever before, even though you've walked away...

So it's been a while since we did part,
I hope you followed the right star;
Yes, I still love you for all that you were
And all that you had let me be,
But this time I'm not the friend in need.

Parasites

~ Ever felt weary of how people walk in... just to walk away in the end?


Looking back on the past, don't you wonder
What it was that had pulled you under?
You thought that it was gone for good,
But how could you have thought that so soon it would?
So many people, so many years,
Newer bonds and newer fears -
Always there, engulfing you
Corrupting your judgment, that's all they do.
People do come, and then they leave
While they stay, they make you believe;
At a crucial time, they slip out of the frame,
Taking torn pieces of you with them.
Still time erodes and time does heal,
But then you don't know how to feel;
It just leaves you somewhere in between,
What good is rising amidst only ruins?
And just when you think you've started afresh,
In the gaping cuts you've grown new flesh.
That's when they use their razor-end claws,
And on the leftover scars they begin to draw.
So you scream and you yell, you can take no more
While you bleed, they walk out your door;
They never look back, not even for a glance,
And you curl up in another gory trance.
In your wounded state for years or hours,
You wonder why you gave them that power -
The power they nurtured until the point
It could burn your tissues and crack your joints.
Once again, you are left all broken and bent
By now, it's hardly called an accident;
You know that it's happened again and again -
This deadly flaw of your judgment.
So with a groan of pain, you finally reach out
To gather your pieces with a mind full of doubt,
And you hide behind yet another shroud,
Disappearing into an unknown crowd.
And then you vow and you solemnly swear
To walk alone, never going back in there;
And above all, you'll never again care
So that in the end there's nothing to fear.
But tell me, please, with all honesty,
For how long your promise do you keep?
How long before your steps you retrace,
And hold the familiar pain in your embrace?

Metathesiophobia ~ The Fear of Changes

It's not that I'm not open-minded. I am. But I have this one weakness ~ a phobia for changes. You get introduced to something new, you learn to accept it, you get accustomed to it, you find comfort and peace within it.... and then, suddenly, it changes. And you wonder why you were introduced to it in the first place. Now that's scary, call me weird or whatever.

If you want to look for the greatest example of "changes", just take a trip down the memory lane and think of all the different friend circles you've had. How many remained the way they originally were? How many could you hold on to and keep unaltered? If you have been able to do so for the majority, then you're one lucky person. Sadly for others, you're also very rare. 

When I first began school, I had two best friends. Okay, we were only six, we fought every single day and turned against each other every hour. But that was all a part of growing up. Gradually, we learned. We bonded as we grew. At one point, I thought we were inseparable. But was I right? Unfortunately, no. Now I barely talk to those two. With one of them, I can still laugh and have fun, but we hardly spend any time together. With the other, my relation is very formal. And how are things between those two? Hah! They don't even speak or look at each other. When we began school, it was always the three of us. And when school is about to end after all these years, all of us are not even on good terms. It just feels sad when you think of it that way.

Then I had another friend circle. Two other girls. Again, it was the three of us. Both of them left school. One of them was transformed into the biggest nerd and got crippled under academic pressure. Then she left the country. The other one, well, just chose to take a different path and became a slut. Wow. In the end, I don't communicate all that much with either of them, especially the latter.

Yet another friend circle. Seven people. It was awesome while it lasted. Our friendship seemed never-ending. Well, of course it wasn't all that. One of these friends left us, she got tired of her life and sadly snuffed it. This was the most traumatic incident in my entire school life. May her soul rest in peace, and may the Almighty forgive her for taking the liberty of ending her own life.
Then we moved up a grade and things were still good among the rest of us. We were also joined by another new friend and life rolled on. Eventually, we moved up yet another grade and the sections were divided. That's when history repeated itself. One of the girls fell in love, got hurt a few times, became way too emo and got detached from us. She confided in only one or two people and lied to the rest, so a distance was created right there. And then she left school.
Another friend got struck by a powerful dose of lameness. I have no idea what happened to her, but soon enough she became all muted and boring. She'd spend her time studying and looking like she's irritated with the whole world, absolutely in no mood for fun. And eventually, it became really difficult to start a proper conversation with her although she was probably the closest to me before.
One of the remaining friends had enough problems to deal with at home. She left the school. She'd seem more distant than before. It wasn't her fault, but things weren't exactly the same as before although I'd take my hat off to her in appreciation of her efforts.
Then, yet another friend  left school. This girl was probably the liveliest of all. She's still doing her best in keeping up a good friendship with all of us, but it's just not the same when you're not in the same institution and you don't get to spend much time together. And people will eventually get busy with their own lives, that's only natural.

Now that leaves me with only two friends from that group. One of them is a very old friend from the original circle, and the other is the new friend that joined us midway. We seem stable, but I've learned enough to keep my fingers crossed for luck. However, I feel that what I have with these two is more than mere friendship. We proudly call it sisterhood. But I can't help wondering... what would happen if we got separated and went to different institutions? Would we be able to keep this up? I pray that the Almighty gives us the ability to do so. That is all I can hope for now. Fortunately, the three of us were joined by another awesome friend. He's always being the grown-up and babysitting us, so he's considered our daddy! If it sounds weird, I suggest you don't continue reading my blog. Because my life revolves around these three people. My sisters and my daddy. Who said it has to be a biological family? We're as good as any perfect family! And when I say that daddy is always being the grown-up, don't mistake him for a very serious or boring person! He's the most hilarious living being that I know of. And he can be absolutely retarded and as crazy as one can possibly be! It's just that he also has an unbelievably mature core. Despite being only seventeen, he's probably more mature than many middle-aged people! And he's the BEST at taking care of all of us. 

These three people are the most important ones in my life, right after my biological family :P
Friends, I have many. But I don't have such a bond with any of the others. It's not that the four of us never have ups-and-downs. We definitely do. But I believe that perfection does NOT lie in never facing trouble. Having the courage and strength to overcome the hurdles is what makes us perfect. So, you see, I'm happy with what I have now.. because I have a LOT... But it also means that I have a LOT to lose. So, at times I'm just scared, really really scared... 'Cause I have no idea how I will EVER adapt to a change in THIS friend circle (Read: Family). But if you've ever read my previous posts, you 'll know that I try my best not to worry. I'm more concerned with making a beautiful today  =)

There's a reason why I'm scared of April. I mentioned it before.  I was going through a lot of shit in my life a while back (This shit was previously referred to as the cataclysm, if you've read my third post). This cataclysm had shown up one April, in the disguise of a blissful gift. Then that changed too, didn't it? All the bliss began to turn into disaster once April was over. And if you've read my third post, you'll also have heard about The Temporary Radiance. The thing is, this radiance had shone with the greatest intensity another April. From the very first day of  that divine April. But it was temporary. The radiance is just a memory now. But I'll be forever in debt to that light for it drove away the cataclysm.

You probably think I'm the most complicated person in the whole world, but not really :P
It's just that I tend to 'metaphorize' my stories so that I don't have to write down the facts too directly. If you're wise enough, you'll have understood that the cataclysm and the radiance are actually two different people. And both of them had appeared before me with the greatest prominence on two different Aprils. The point I'm trying to make is that, simply, the month of April has always been eventful. Each event began as a very pleasant one, until it gradually died out. I wonder if they have a scientific name for the fear of April? 

I'm not emo. That's an honest proclamation. I'm doing well now. But you already know about my weakness. I have metathesiophobia. Other than that, I'm quite a strong person. One of my best friends (Daddy) had jokingly advised me to hibernate during this April so that I don't give a chance for any such events to take place. But I doubt that hibernation would've been a solution. I'm very prone to changes, especially during this weird month.

To most people, everything I've been writing is absolute gibberish. But to those who know me well, it probably makes sense. God, I sound so weird. Even to myself. This indicates something: I should end this post right here. And I should find something else to do for a change. Wait, did I say CHANGE? Oh no.

AwFooly April

Okay, so officially there are 40 days left till my exams. I'm not even freaking out anymore. It's pointless. You think this sudden courage is because I'm fully prepared? Haha, good joke -_-
It's not that I suck at the academic shit, but I could definitely use some more practice. And a LOT more concentration. Specially in maths. Maths has always been my weakest subject, but I've been doing fairly well.. The worst part is that I make the silliest mistakes. They ask me to find the area of a  freaking circle, and I give them the circumference -__- ... I copy the question wrong. I forget to place the freaking minus signs! -__-
It's not even like I don't know the formula and stuff; it's just that I wasn't paying enough attention to the question. Then what WAS I doing, you ask? Oh, I don't know. There was a couple of times when I lost a lot of marks just because I skipped two pages while flipping through the question paper. Now that is unacceptable at this point. One of my teachers advised me to wet my fingers with spit before turning the page so that I don't skip. Gross. But still, he's got a point.
To top things off with shit, my first exam is MATHS -_-
It's like they're trying to demoralize me and make me suck in all the following exams. And this is not even some school midterm or annual thingy. This is 'O' LEVELS, for crying out loud! Okay, maybe I AM still freaking out a little. And maybe more than just a little. But does that mean I'm going to give up all forms of entertainment and shut myself up in a desolate room just to study? Sadly, no. That's not me. I'd rather revise the night before the exam. Okay, maybe a few nights before, since this is 'O' levels we're talking about.

I have always been kind of afraid of April. You know, the exams are a month away. Everyone around you is crazy. It's like they're more worried than you are. Makes you feel a teeny bit guilty, if you know what I mean.. And then you think of all that you could have been doing instead of preparing for the exams. And then I think of last April, it was the wildest time of my life. One of my best friends (also referred to as my sister) and I declared ourselves as VAGABONDS and we went about vagabonding for an entire month. No, this isn't just some ordinary "bidding farewell to family and seeing the world" trip. We would leave home every afternoon and return after evening. It's just that all of it was so ILLEGAL (Read: Unknown to parents). You know, breaking the rules has a whole lot of thrill in it. I'll probably write about vagabonding in details another day. Because it will take me HOURS to explain how unbelievably awesome it was. Yeah, but then eventually you just get caught by the adults and then they ground you for a while and make sure you never go sneaking off again. But for how long does that stop you? I'll also discuss that some other day.

April is just weird, you know. In one way or the other, it ends up being the best month of my year, only to end very soon, taking away all the awesomeness it brought along. Kind of like it just made a fool out of me. Yeah, sometimes I feel that I'm the perfect example of an April Fool. I could go on and on about this, but I kind of decided that I will not complain about what I don't have (or what I've lost), so yeah.. whatever happens is always for the best. ~ It feels good to believe that.

I had been attending all these extra classes after school (coaching and shit) to prepare for my 'O' levels. But now I've stopped those classes, because April and May should be my "Study at home in peace" time. Well, that's my MOM's plan. The reason I'm saying this is because it feels so weird, you know. To shift outside a regular routine. As tiring as they were, those afternoon classes gave me a chance to have some variety in my daily routine. For the best part, I got to see my friends for a long period of time. Now that's going to change. And people who know me will understand the seriousness of the situation.. because, I ABSOLUTELY HATE CHANGES! -__-

And now I'm at home. I will not be seeing any of my friends today. Or tomorrow. My mock exams at school begin on the 3rd. That's two days away. There's nothing to revise, really. I'll just go and find something to do now. This post was kind of random, but I just wrote what I was thinking. And I'm not always going to write high-thought stuff.. That would be a little weird.. but oh well, I'll leave it here for now.

A Beautiful Today?

Do you sit down and just reflect sometimes? You know, reflect on all that has happened? And you realize that there has been plenty of times when you were given and denied? It feels funny; this has happened again and again, yet you never learn. Or maybe you do...?? Perhaps you're used to it by now.. So, instead of thinking "I refuse to take it, because nothing lasts forever", you resort to another very different thought: "Let's make the best of it while it lasts."
Trust me, it helps. 'Cause whatever tomorrow brings, tomorrow will never be today. Make your today beautiful.. And see if you can surpass this beauty tomorrow...

The Temporary Radiance

Perhaps it is the taming of the looming darkness that remains stashed close beneath the surface. Or perhaps it is merely the zephyr that lingers ever so slightly longer than usual. It may even be the mysterious aroma of freshly-sprung blossoms rising in the air, its felicity diffusing far too quickly. I inhale; it doesn't burn, so I try once again. The tender fragrance emanated from the surroundings fills my lungs, inflating them with a peaceful sensation that they had believed to be long gone. I am taken aback by the tranquility of it all, but I finally persuade myself to revisit the memories of last spring as they probe from underneath the layer of darkness, battling to come to life. Without another moment of hesitation, I give them a chance.

The darkness retreats ever so ponderously, pausing to dwindle over a certain region every now and then, as if to warn me of the danger lurking below the surface. But I know what to expect, I know precisely what vile reminiscence fills the hollow to the brim. Perhaps the reviving warmth of the spring, after months of the ominous cold, is what gives me the courage. Or maybe it's nothing but the newborn flowers that promise a new life. Whatever the stimulus may have been, I push aside the black cover to reveal all that takes refuge beneath it.

With the density of the darkness out of the way, the glow of light bursts out without interruption, right into my eyes, as I squint to retain my eyesight. It makes my eyes water, but does not blind me. Not this time. But that is just because it's not the actual light, just a faded memory. I wear my most genuine smile as my eyes begin to adjust to the dazzling glow. I had forgotten exactly how beautiful it happened to be. So breathtakingly beautiful that I had been forced to lock it up, just in case it makes another sinister attempt to blind me again. Now I dare to look directly into the light. My constricted pupils wander across the beam, searching for the powerful source that emits such a striking dazzle. My eyes find the radiator and they freeze. The genuine smile still remains plastered to my face, but the ecstasy wavers by just a little at the sight, for I see all that I once had, all that was once on the warm surface instead of being shoved on the underside in the form of a mere memory.

I walk briskly through the reminiscence, pausing before the dilapidated edifice in which the morose remains lay motionless. Gathering my newly found strength and courage, I peek inside and see the visions playing before me like a silent film. I was being hurled to and fro between the devil and a deep sea, the cataclysm inching down upon me, more smothering than ever before. Then there had been the burst of light; so new, yet so familiar that I extended my hand to reach for it. The moment I welcomed the illumination, the disaster shrank inconceivably until it was nothing but a speck of soot on the floor. The light had been my saviour and support while I climbed the steep walls of hope once again.

I do not know for sure what it was that made the climb so easy, so lucrative, but I believe that it was the developing aura of last spring. Before I had time to contemplate, I was mounted on the top of the wall, above all that was only ordinary. Unable to contain my alacrity, I turned to face the luminescence to share the joy of the moment. But it was nowhere to be seen. I searched desperately, I screamed out by its name, but it had simply disappeared. The light had guided me to the zenith and now its job was done. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and my steps faltered, my feet slipping off the narrow edge, as the mauling fear and hollowness engulfed me.

I gasped for air, I battered my limbs in every direction until they wore out from exhaustion. I accepted the fall as I continued to plummet down towards the ground, but never finding the certainty of the firm land beneath me. It was during this very fall that I began to construct the layer of darkness over the haunting memories of the treasured uphill journey.

However, as I now stand watching the silent film after yet another ominous winter, a realization strikes me: Perhaps it's the climb, the journey up the wall was all that mattered. All the melancholy caused afterwards by the missing radiance was just a part of the bigger lesson. As I rhapsodize the kindness of my luminous friend, I suddenly feel my feet on the ground. I am at the foot of the wall, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am standing on the surface, clutching the cherished memories. This can only mean one thing: I will now be able to climb once again, the memories of the past will be guiding me this spring, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Journey Within the (Yellowish) Walls

I'm new to this blogging thing, and I notice that I always end up writing more about my thoughts than my regular activities. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm some kind of solemn philosopher person.. I'm only sixteen and around people who actually know me, I'm crazy and childish. But I have my thoughtful moments of seriousness and philosophy too.
I'm just finishing off with 10th grade. My 'O' levels exams are just a little more than a month away. I should totally be revising my lessons and NOT blogging, but here I am... being lazy and procrastinating once again. That's just what happens when your exams are right here and you just want a vacation SO bad, but you don't get one. Well, I'll get one as soon as I'm done with these exams! I can't wait till June.
But then again, it feels so strange that I'm going to be done with school.. and college awaits. The years just whirled by, and I still feel nothing like a grown-up. Of course I'm NOT a grown up.. But when you're finishing off with school, all the adults around you keep pressuring you about being all responsible and mature. Now that I reflect over the years... as much as I hated a lot of things about school, I'm going to miss this life... a bit, at least!

Journey within the (Yellowish) Walls

The countdown has already begun. Only half a dozen more weeks or so left to go. Sitting down with a neglected Pure Math book in front of me, I decide to take a trip down the memory lane. It’s not like I’m really nostalgic, but between math and memories, I’d pick memories any time. Even if it IS school-life memories.

                My first day in Kindergarten-I, section-Orange (Why ORANGE of all colours?!).  I walk into a tiny room with yellowish (at least better than ORANGE) walls. All eyes are on me and I notice three girls giggle, probably because I forgot to ride in on a unicorn. I smile and receive a wrinkled nose in response, so I sit next to this harmless-looking boy. Yes, a BOY. Everyone whispers and stares with shock and repulsion.

Kindergarten-II. [I don’t even remember the name of the section]. I have two friends. The classroom is larger but still yellowish.  I try to point something interesting outside and accidentally poke my best friend in the eye. She is furious. Despite my futile pleas, she entwines her tiny little finger with mine in the form of a crucial ‘katti’. Oh well, there goes one friend (until the teacher makes us shake hands).

1st Grade.  Everyone is working day and night on writings that they wish to submit for the yearbook. We are shepherded to the roof of the yellowish building so that we can take a group photo there. We smile and try to look as best as possible in our lame uniforms. I can’t be too sure, but I think someone made donkey ears on the back of my head when the photo was captured. That was the first and last time we set our feet on the school roof (Ha! That’s what they think!).  And to this day, I still wait for a copy of that very yearbook. 

2^nd grade.  I believe we are more social and civil, but befriending the opposite gender is still unacceptable. Being a class captain seems to be the most lucrative of all occupations.  One fateful day, I lose a baby-tooth in the middle of English class. Everyone stares with awe as I spit blood out on a tissue paper. I’m treated like a war hero for the rest of the week. The drama queen of the class glares at me.

3^rd grade.  A young, female teacher walks into the classroom and a guy quietly utters the forbidden four-lettered adjective. We gasp. We have now become witnesses of an unforgivable crime.  I’m not sure about my aim in life, but I think I want to be a Pokémon Master. I actually have a friend circle (although it tends to fall apart about half a dozen times a day). I have two guy friends. The class drama queen continues to glare at me.

4^th grade. My friend and I get caught passing notes in class. The teacher isn’t too pleased with the topic of discussion. However, we are very pleased when she lets us off with only a lecture. We pat ourselves for being good storytellers. My friend circle falls apart less frequently now. I think it’s sort of normal to be friends with guys. Either that or the drama queen has just grown tired of glaring at me.

5^th grade.  I lose a few friends after they’ve been placed in different sections, but I gain some new ones. This new circle seems more stable, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed just in case. We actually dare to talk in class even after the teacher warns us not to, but we still fear the deadly detention box. We secretly laugh at the teacher’s accent.

6^th grade.  The rivalry between sections is at its peak. We’d compete in anything and everything. There are ‘groups’ with cool and kick-ass names. A few basic swear words pop up now and then. There’s more music, gossips and giggles. And, um, some of the seniors seem nice; not that we spy or anything. We tell answers to our friends during the tests. Some teachers get on our nerves. We have facebook accounts. Okay okay! I lied about the not spying thing, happy?!

7^th grade. Friendship has a whole different meaning. We let our classmates copy every answer during tests (the ones that we DO know anyways). Due to the lack of any space resembling a playground, we only hang out in the classrooms during games classes. Let’s just say that truth or dare has reached a whole new level. We sing, dance and eat during most classes. I feel sorry for the Biology teacher. There is some amount of graffiti on the desks. We now laugh openly at the teacher’s accent.

8^th grade. We have a huge, amazing friend circle. Threats involving hockey sticks and ‘boro bhais’ (gangsters) are very common among the guys (and some girls I could name, but they shall remain nameless).  The Linkin Park mania is dying out with the rise of Bullet for My Valentine. There are lyrics, thoughts, quotes, random stuff (both appropriate and inappropriate) scribbled down all over the books, copies, desks, walls (still yellowish), curtains, etc. My grades deteriorate slightly; I’m more into poetry now.

9^th grade. It’s surprising how you can keep losing old friends, gaining new ones, and reconciling with ones you lost ages ago. Everyone’s tired of drama (even that drama queen seems a little less attention-seeking). We barely bother to submit class works. We LOL in the teacher’s face if he/she ever mentions the word ‘detention’. We eat, sleep, text, and play ‘fool tokka’ (unlike truth or dare, THIS game is drama-free) during class. Don’t even get me started on the bunking rate. I realise that my poetry was a waste of time; my grades begin to improve again. The guys somewhat lose their obsession for ‘ganjaam’ (blood and gore). Can it be that hockey sticks are actually for playing hockey and coaching centres are meant for studying after all?

10^th grade [so far]. They keep telling us that we barely have any time left (happening at this INSTANT). The exams are hammering on the door and we must start acting responsibly if we haven’t done so already. Yet, we find ourselves being more immature than ever before. Parents fuss, teachers pressurize, friends still offer to play ‘fool tokka’. We all need a vacation above everything (applies more importantly for the parents).  And everyone says that school-life is the most memorable era of one’s existence. Thus, I ignore the trigonometry revision (as usual) and sit here, wondering if I’ll remember any of this a decade later. Too bad they never gave us that yearbook.

Bliss in Ignorance?

We're all so busy looking for the truth. I wish we could just pause to think for a moment and realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong in NOT knowing.

" What you don't know might not kill you, but what you do know might." ~ This was said to me by a very wise man for whom I have the utmost respect, and although I felt like protesting to this, I couldn't.

Sometimes you just have to live in ignorance. Somethings are better left unknown. Knowledge is beautiful, but whoever said that it can never be dangerous is gravely mistaken. It can wither you, and that's what I've discovered. But then again, a lot of beautiful things turn out to be the most dangerous of all. Don't get me wrong, people should not be burying their heads in the sand and running away from reality, but there's also nothing wrong in not knowing what is not meant for you to know. If the truth hasn't shown up in front of your eyes for a while, there was probably a good reason for it...

There was a different kind of peace in ignorance: one that cannot be restored.